Two coins. Same worth. One is new, one is used.
Which is more valuable?
Which one is more appealing?
Which one would you pick up?
Last week I had the pleasure of seeing some friends from college and my sorority. I couldn’t help but feel different. When I last saw them I was different. My mindset, my actions, my words. I was a completely different person. When I left that night, as much as I love each and every all of my friends, I felt like I didn’t belong anymore…
For so long I lived like a dirty, used coin. I was covered in sin and even though I believed in God, I was far from living the life.
During college, I was the most depressed I’ve ever been. So many different life moments happened and I didn’t handle them as well as I could have.
I was broken. I was lost trying to fill this empty void in my heart, in my soul. I turned to alcohol and sex because I thought that the alcohol would take away the pain and sex would fill in this need to be loved. The pain never went away no matter how much alcohol I consumed and I felt even more empty giving my body away. But I never stopped. I continued to live that lifestyle, hating myself everyday.
I would slap on a smile and pretend everything was okay, or jump into different activities at school. Keeping myself as busy as I could so I didn’t think about how worthless I felt inside. I spent hours working, sitting tables, volunteering for any community service event, and attending every meeting. I thought maybe if I didn’t have anytime to myself I wouldn’t remember my life was truly a mess. Though, nothing ever seemed to keep me busy enough. I couldn’t tell you the amount of times I cried myself to sleep.
Looking back, I ask my self how I let it get so bad. Why didn’t I ever pull myself out of the hole I was in? Why was I continuing to live a lifestyle I didn’t believe in? I don’t have answers for these questions because at the time I didn’t feel like I was worth living a better life.
Today, I am clean. Such a funny word. Clean. When I say I am clean, I mean every single thing I did in the past is no more. The second I asked God back into my life, he forgave me for all my sins. All of them. Crazy right? I still struggle with this concept. How could someone love me SO much that they wouldn’t even ask me to explain. To beg. To suffer more consequences. Or even remind me later one day of those mistakes.
I don’t know anyone else on the planet who wouldn’t judge me or look at me different if the knew every dark secret I keep hidden away.
I became a new person when I gave my life back to Christ. And because of him I have hope for a better life. I no longer need alcohol to take awake pain because through Him I don’t have much pain left. He has worked through my heart, and all the anger and hurt is slowly falling away. I now respect myself so much more than ever before. My body is my temple and I’ve misused it in the past because I didn’t realize what it meant to actually be loved. He has shown me that love.
I won’t lie and say I still don’t think about my past. To this day I beat myself up over so many things I did. I know I need to forgive myself and I will, in time. I feel like forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things you can do. Luckily for me, God sees it in my heart that I want so badly to be a better person.
So to the people who look at me and see the girl I used to be, I hope you can accept the new version of me. I hope you can look past those mistakes and give me a chance to make a new first impression. I love the person God is molding me to be, and I no longer want to be controlled by the chains of my past.
It doesn’t matter if you are a bright shiny coin or one covered in filth. God finds them both valuable. They are both appealing in His eyes because He doesn’t look at what we look like on the outside. I am a child of God and he will always pick me up, no matter how far down the path I go.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will”
Romans 12:2
