Last Monday I had a case of the Mondays.
You know those days when you wake up in the morning and just know its about to be a bad day? Then of course you realize its Monday and mutter, “of course it is..”
I had many expectations for the day that were quickly being shot down as the hours ticked by. I set myself up really because if I have learned anything on this race it’s to never have expectations.
Even if it is written down in black and white, things change. Always.
So I woke up not feeling good and having slept very little. The past week we had been volunteering at a girls orphanage and as amazing as it was, I was exhausted.
My emotional, physical, and spiritual tank were below empty. Not only were we dealing with a teammate leaving but more change was inevitably going to happen. The time between now and home was also quickly closing in and I felt like my “yes” for the race was being questioned once again.
I did my best to keep a smile on my face and avoid much conversation. I felt like when I did make conversation I was being misunderstood and instead of responding in anger, I kept quiet. Walls were closing in and the only thing I wanted to do was be by myself.
Which of course is nearly impossible on the race and was not in my near future for that day.
As the day went on my level of being “over it” rose. I cant explain how much of a mood I was in without sounding like a complete drama queen (which if I was honest, thats how I was acting). Especially since I truly had no real reason to be in the mood in the first place.
That night we were supposed to be what we thought was a new church that had just been planted. Like the other churches we had been going to we were supposed to sing a song and share a testimony. I immediately declined and proceeded to mentally spew out how much I was not going to do anything remotely related to speaking in public or anyone else really for that matter (drama queeeeeen).
We headed to the church and when we got there something changed. First there were many men there. More than normal and I began to question. Where are we? Why are there so many men?
We got a tour of the area and found this “church” was a lot more that just the room we were just standing in. The pastor kept mentioning how they supply these men with opportunities and all the other things they had on the gourds, but for a while we never truly knew WHAT these men were here for.
Throughout this tour I felt the Lord telling me to listen. My heart was softening and I still had no idea why. Selfishly I wanted to keep being in a sour mood and resent everything happening around me.
That was until the pastor said this was a rehabilitation center.
POP.
There went that bubble of every single negative emotion I had for the day. this was the reason for my heart softening. These men were like some that I have spent my whole life around. I used to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings with my parents and play with the other children outside. I attended conventions with my Godmother every summer up until a few years ago. I have met countless friends of family and friends who have struggled with drugs and alcohol. These men were like so many I knew at home.
Although I didn’t know these men, I knew I loved them and I was proud of them. Proud of them for showing up and trying to get the help they needed. If no one else, besides God of course, could be proud of them, I wanted to be. It takes true courage and strength to admit you have a problem and commit to getting healthy.
It felt like the same feeling as when I tell my mother every year on July 7th how proud I am of her.
The Lord changed my heart in that moment and just when I thought He was done He threw me a curve ball.
Remember when I was SO persistent on not speaking that night because I was being stubborn? Well the Lord gently (more or less) told me I needed to speak.
JUST BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE WAS SUPPOSED TO.
Like five minutes before.
So I walked over to sweet Darcy who was going to be sharing her testimony and strung together a sentence that went along the lines of: “Hey, so I know you are supposed to share tonight but If you want, like if you really didn’t want to, I could do it. But like If you REALLY want to I don’t have to.”
She then looked at me, knowing the Lord clearly told me to speak and told me, “You can speak.” Thanks Darc.
So now I had five minutes to think of what the heck I am going to say to these men who made my heart swell.
We got up to sing and it was just about the worst we had ever done (I am not exaggerating here. We have no idea how six people could all be singing at six different keys).
So that was our intro and I was nervous. I said a quick prayer and asked God to give me the words to speak because He knew I had no idea where He was taking me.
Words then started flowing and then I was awkwardly finished.
From what I remember, I talked about my accident in El Salvador and how I learned how the Lord has plans for all of us and wants so much more from our lives. How we have NO idea when He is going to return. How my parents were also recovering addicts and how the Lord walked me through forgiving my father. I encouraged them to keep pressing in and live the life God has planned for them.
I walked away thinking I had just made a mess of a testimony. I couldn’t tell if anything I said made sense or if it was even relatable.
My team and host quickly told me that I did an amazing job and what I said spoke volumes. Although I wish I could have said more, I feel like the Lord used me that night not only to reach those men but to reach me as well.
I dug this hole for myself in the beginning of the day and refused to even seek the Lord in order to get out. I was content in my misery and was planning on pitching a tent there for the day.
However the Lord knew my heart. He knew that I needed something to truly grip at my heart in order for me to once again be reminded of all the things I believed and valued.
I told myself that I wanted to live everyday like Christ and show His love everywhere I went, yet I was being a drama queen not thinking of anyone else around me.
We are allowed to have bad days. I wont beat myself up for having bad days or not being perfect because I know there will never come a day where I am perfect. But I could have very easily chosen God that morning instead of my own selfish intentions. It could have still been a bad day where nothing I thought was going to happen happened, yet still have the sense of Gods peace and love around me.
He waited patiently for me to come back, tail between my legs, asking for forgiveness. Like the forgiveness that I’ve learned to give others, He offered His grace and mercy much more easily.
This month has been hard. Harder than I thought it was going to be. God threw some curveballs and some unexpected things happen. One of my mentors told me she thinks its because God is preparing something else in my life.
This could be the case. I feel like there are ways we can handle situations and ways where we go about it all wrong. Either way we end up in the same position: in the Fathers arms. Reminding ourselves that He knows better and He already has our paths laid out.
I don’t know what the next two months of my race are going to look like or even what my life is going to look like after the race, but I can trust that God understands my heart and my deepest desires. He has my back no matter what. Good days and bad days, He is there waiting to grab my hand and guide me through it.
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Prayer Requests:
Team Soul Tribe: We lost a teammate this month. It hit pretty hard and there are still times where we don’t understand. In the next few days we will find out if our team will be changed again due to certain circumstances. Please pray for our hearts and trusting in the Lord.
Me: As the days trickle by and home is not too far away it is becoming harder and harder to stay present. I cant help but think of what home will be like, what school will be like and who the Lord may put in my life for the future.
Connect Global: This is the organization I have been working with this month and they are AMAZING at what they do! Please pray that the Lord provides the money needed to build a maternity house and that the mission school they want to start is an easy process.
