So now we come to college in my little story…
For most, freshman year is a time when you begin to discover
who you really are, separate from you parents. For me, discovering who I was meant connecting all the dots
from part one.
Up until this point I was still angry with my mom and
grandparents. I hated to talk to
them, and reluctantly visited them.
My brother would always ask me, “Why are you so mean to them,” and I had
no answer, I just was.
I spent a lot of time
alone that first year of college. I couldn’t find a church I liked, and I
really didn’t meet anyone I felt was worth giving my time to. There were two people I would consider
friends, and even then they were only people I sat in class with. Fortunately, I was content on being
alone, and that I believe was precisely
what God had in mind. Because I
didn’t have anyone else I could depend on, I depended on the only one who is
always there: God.
He gradually illuminated the effects my childhood had on who
I became at 18. I began to see myself
as judgmental, critical, mistrusting and falsely confidant. All of it stemmed from mistrust. Being “abandoned” and taken away from
my father, I psychologically learned that people can’t be trusted, they will
just leave and disappoint you. So
I developed all these protective devices to defend my heart.
let go of. But as I began to
release my anger, defiance, and hurt to God I began to change. My personality softened, and I
consciously learned to not be quite as critical and judgmental. I also realized that all of what
happened in my childhood was out of mine, and everyone else’s control. For 18 years I blamed my mom and
grandparents. This led to the conclusion that I had a lot of forgiving I needed
to do.
First, to my mom. I was a terror. My doorframe was actually breaking because I used to slam mydoor at her so often. If it was
not a loud enough slam, I’d slam it again to my satisfaction. I would tell her to her face how much I
hated her, and had no respect for her.
As far as I was concerned, she was a doormat to walk all over.
told her I was sorry for being so angry at her, and that I forgave her for the
blame I put on her. She apologized
to me for not giving me the picture perfect childhood, and we pretty much left
it there.. Our relationship mildly
impro
ved. I wasn’t so angry at herper se, and her phone calls didn’t
bother me as much, but we lost 18 years of relationship building and as far as
I was concerned, she was still a stranger who gave me every reason to not trust
her.
offered them a formal apology, and maybe that’s something I still need to do. But I did forgive them and realized the
sacrifices they made for my brother and me. I began to appreciate them more and I thank God for the example they were
for me. They were really my only
model I had of a Christian marriage.
By the end of my freshman year I thought I had it all
figured out. I had analyzed myself
through a
nd through and now understood every emotion and thought I had and why
I had it. I even attributed it to
why I didn’t even want to make friends, and by the end of my freshman year, I
had met my best friend. The next
four years were typical college. I
found a church, I began to enjoy playing soccer again, and friends became more
than I could count.
Next was to just meet the man of my dreams, graduate and get
married, and then I’d live happily ever after….right? HA!
