This 15 inch blank page is so incredibly daunting. I’m actually going on day 21 of just staring at it, typing a paragraph, deleting the whole thing, then eventually shutting off my laptop out of aggravation. Lately, it’s been a gigantic struggle to find words to type and share. My ministry for Ecuador consists of scraping off old paint and replacing it with new, so it’s not particularly rewarding in terms of feeling the love of God or general human contact. The days have begun to slow to a pace that sometimes feels as though I’m actually moving backwards in time and it’s hard. Really hard. I’ve managed to bring myself to tears on more days than one, digging myself into a hole of self pity and longing for the passion that I felt just months ago. The Lord knew of this heartache though, and began to send little bits of joy my way: Elijah brought me a bouquet of white roses after ministry for no particular reason, my squad leaders gave my logistics partner and I a few days off…at the beach (!!), Emily gave me a listening prayer that brought loads of much needed clarity, and today Taylor left this poem on our dresser: “You need to get out of your head and remember the loving truths like how you are LOVE and you are LOVED.” The note wasn’t for me, and was actually most likely just forgotten when putting other things away, but was seen at a time that couldn’t be more perfect. It was a reminder that this life I’m living is actually still beautiful, even when I’m not “feeling it.” I am love because I am created by Love Himself. I am loved well daily by a relentless Father and by His children who are running after Him. I am love. I am loved. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
I can say this and believe it now, but when the spiritual high of this newfound epiphany goes away, will I be back where I just started: caught in a cycle of negativity and believing that God actually owes me His love? I hate to admit it, but truthfully the answer is usually yes. I want more than anything though, to say a different yes now: yes to being a bride of Christ. Yes to standing upon an altar of grace and mercy, peace and forgiveness, renewal and revival in a love without error. I vow myself to a life that is a constant reminder of the loving truth that I am love and loved.
I, today, vow myself to a new life with You, God.
I promise to choose You again and again, in every moment
I promise to humble myself before You each day, in constant thanksgiving
I promise to say yes
yes when it’s uncomfortable
yes when it’s a resounding human no
to answer when You call
I promise to call Your heart my only home
I promise to speak when Your breath overwhelms my lungs
I promise to stand for Your people
I promise to praise You
when I have no song
when I cannot find or feel You
when it hurts like hell
I promise to look to the skies and the seas, the mountains and the valleys and see You first
I promise to love You in all of your forms
in the hims and the hers that physically hurt to love
in the she’s and the he’s that demand the patience Your love allows
in the darkness and in the light
