I have a confession and it’s ugly. I’ve been debating for the past week on whether I should even post this blog.
And now I’m going to post it?
I want to be honest. So here it is…
I struggle everyday with pride, selfishness, materialism, the quest for love, and money. My heart breaks daily for the things that do not satisfy. Why am I still searching? What are we doing on the race? What are we really doing here?
I will tell you first hand that month one was a selfish month. When I was faced with circumstances outside my comfort zone, I would shut down, and act on pure human instinct.
What is human instinct?
A life filled with physical pleasures that never truly satisfy.
I have been in a place of personal conquest. Yes, it’s good to find yourself but finding yourself alone will not satisfy.
What is satisfaction anyway? Materialistic pleasures? Money? Power? Fame?
I will tell you everything in this realm has been everything BUT that. My quest for something greater has led me to something spiritual, something greater then we can comprehend.
I am not trying to write a blog to impress you right now. I am trying to arrive at the root of my questions.
My heart aches every time I question.
I want to sit awake for hours and write but then I realize how silly most of my thoughts are.
Who am I to talk about life, and love, and God?
I do not have all the answers. I desperately seek God on a level that goes beyond theology, politics, and religious practices but I realize I am not a genius, a mathematician, a theologian, or anything greater.
SO then what? What is next?
I have encountered God in the past week, and it has been in ways I never expected.
The past week I have come to the realization that I am troubled by the ways of the world but also realized how much I contribute to these challenges.
We are selfish, individualistic, hungry to fame and fortune, but we are clearly never satisfied.
This past week has been spent on these questions. I have sat alone on roofs, in yards, during my ministry, and even in the bathroom, questioning God, life, love, and our purpose.
God has remained faithful in these moments. It is not just a moment I feel electricity (human feelings). These are moments I see people changed, I witness a life saved, I hear the cries of mercy, and I feel the presence of God.
I know more now then ever I am pressed into a plan greater than myself.
It is NOT about me.
I am tired of trying to think of awesome blogs, I am tired or trying to impress, I am tired of fake people, I am tired of worrying about money, I am tired of my fear of death, I hate when I want so many things.
There is such beauty in this next realization.
GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.
He exists, He is real, and we are very much a part of His plan. It is one thing to speak of a mighty God and another to truly believe and rely on such Greatness.
I have encountered this greatness and I’m not going to lie… I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. All I have to say is:
God I believe.
God I surrender.
Lord I want to follow.
Jesus have mercy.
I AM YOURS!
