55 People and I Tried to Carry Them All

Last week, I met
55 of the most amazing people and I am slightly obsessed.

I don’t
even know where to begin processing this past week of training camp where I met
my M squad that I’ll be leading in January.

When they first
arrived I was feeling super nervous and anxious.

For each new person that arrived, I mustered
up as much courage and enthusiasm as I could. Maybe I was a little awkward
sometimes. The introverted side of me was completely exhausted that first night.

Then I started
hearing one by one some of their hearts and their stories. A few got sick and I
got pissed at Satan. By the second night in worship, God was at it – breaking
down their walls, healing and setting people free, and breathing His love into
their lungs. I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly that I was convinced my legs
would give out at any moment.

After worship I
met with my training team and we started discussing the squad and the very real
chains they still carried. There was too much to say and some people’s stories
were too unbearable. I can’t relate; I can’t handle that. All of the sudden, I
started feeling like all 55 of the people on M squad’s baggage was mine and I
somehow had to fix everything. It felt too big for me to handle and there was
no way I could be the right person for the job. I felt heavy and absolutely
defeated. I crawled into my tent that night and cried…begging God to somehow
help.

In the morning I
felt God’s peace consume me. He reminded me that it’s kinda not my job to carry
the weight of this squad – but His. As the week progressed, it felt less
unbearable. I felt my heart expand more and more for this squad. God kept
reminding me that he chose me specifically for this time, and specifically for
this squad.

One night our
entire squad sat around a campfire worshipping, confessing, and sharing
stories. They told each other how safe and loved they felt…some for the first
time in their lives. There was freedom and power there that night. And I sat
there, completely quiet and completely in awe at the realization that I was
sitting with Sons and Daughters of the loving Father.  They were being
made new and somehow, in some way, I got the privilege of sitting among them.