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stories unfolding around them. I feel
the cries of their hearts. I watch the
brokenness of my teammates, shed a few tears, and grow to love them a little
more in their vulnerability. Yet, I
don’t experience the devastation around me that my squadmates see. I personally don’t suffer the brokenness of
my teammates. I am not wrecked yet. I’ve had glimpses – watching the ridicule
endured by the drunk on the street from the church members who probably should
care the most, hearing the desperation of a weeping man who just a few minutes
earlier beat his wife. My heart has a
sensitivity and compassion to it that I know can only be from God…I see people
through His eyes, and when I do my heart breaks. But the places we’ve been, the things we’ve
seen, what I’ve personally experienced and feel, quite honestly, is not that difficult
so far. And that frustrates me.
early on. I want there to be growth, and
in my experiences, growth typically come from pain. So, because it doesn’t really hurt, does that
mean I’m not growing? Yes, I’m learning. I’m learning to function in deeper community,
I’m learning how to better follow my husband, I’m learning the balance of when
to embrace the quiet, gentle spirit within and when to speak out in
boldness. I’m learning all these things,
but am I really growing? Am I being open enough? Introspective enough?
I keep looking at myself under the magnifying glass and truly believe th
at the answer to those questions is
yes.
secure in my identity coming onto the race.
The fact that it’s not been shaken is, I think, a good thing. It means I’m still hearing truth. The learning I am doing now, though they are
concepts that I already comprehended to a degree, are ones that are being
refined in me. And yes, that is
growth. It may not be as dramatic as
what I’m seeing in those around me, it may not be painful, but it is growth
nonetheless.
A wise, dear friend of mine reminded me yesterday that often
times we see our growth after time has passed…that when we look back at
something later on down the road, it’s then that we gain perspective and actually recognize the growth. He encouraged me to keep
walking this out with patience. I know
that brokenness is coming. I know that
when I see the sex trade industry firsthand I will break. I know that when I hold the orphans dying of
AIDS I will break. I know that there will be many things I could never anticipate that will break me. But it’s not time for
my brokenness yet. Thank you, friend,
for reminding me of that truth.
