When I first signed up for the race, I really had no clue what I was doing and wanted nothing to do with any kind of relationship after everything that had happened. But God has a funny sense of humor and he showed right from the get go what exactly my race was going to be focused on.
I thought part of my race was to see if full time ministry is what He is wanting for my life. Well, I have learned that no matter what I do it is always full time ministry because everything we do should be focused on him and sharing him…this is a whole other topic for another time.
During training camp, God showed himself to me in a new way (as a romantic relationship) but I really did not fully understand what exactly he was doing or meant by it. One of my squadmates and teammates showed me Hosea 2:16, where God says ‘You will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master’.’
During training camp I was talking to one of my trainers and she told me about how God showed himself to her in that light when she was on the race and told me what it looked like for her. My first month God started tearing down all the walls I had created and opening my eyes to see Him and only him. He showed me how from a young age I went to guys for affirmation and love, but nothing good ever came from that life. He made it clear to me how much he loves me and how he has been pursuing me like I have always wanted from a guy. He told me that this year is for him and I to pursue each other without any distractions and putting me in an environment where I would have to trust him fully with the encouragement of a community who is in the same place or has done this. He told me how he wants all of me before he gave me to my husband; he wants to be first.
So I started to pursue God like he had been doing to me for so long. I was not really sure how to go about it at first because I am pretty clueless in this area in general, even when it comes to guys on earth. But God started to show me slowly what this means and we started to walk into this season holding hands and me looking to him for the next steps. At first it was awkward and weird because we had to deal with my trust issues and depending on someone without comparing him to my past experiences. As these months have flown by, he has been continuing to pursue me and sometimes I have been sending mixed signals (there were times that I wasn’t focusing on my pursuit of him). But he has so much grace for me and just pours love and affirmation over me. It blows my mind how he will never give up on me and showing how badly he wants me, just me — faults and all.
He has been asking me to go on a date with him since training camp and I kept saying yes but then I would stand him up. I know rude, right?! I would hate to be stood up yet I kept doing it to God, what?! Well, this past month we had a couple of days of ATL, Ask the Lord; it is where we pray to God and just simply ask him what he would like us to do that day. Well, I felt like God was telling me to go to the tattoo shop that a lot of us had gone to and just plant some seeds and simply pour God’s love over them. Then, he wanted to take me on a date. So the next day I went to the tattoo shop and spent some time just talking to one of the artists, getting to know him, and seeing how he was doing since the earthquakes; before leaving I asked him ‘Is there anything I could be praying for you?’ and he simply replied ‘Pray for the people of Nepal.’
Then it was finally time, time to go on a date with God…just He and I. We went to a coffee shop nearby and at first I was thinking ‘I am going to look weird splitting from everyone and going and sitting by myself,’ but God was like ‘what does it matter what others think, I want you and only you right now.’ So I headed to a table away from everyone and sat down. I treated it like any normal date—asked him how he was doing and what he thought would be a good choice, either the BLT or the tuna sandwich. I ordered a BLT, of course, and a peach tea and as I waited for my food I just focused on him and listened to what he was saying; not caring or focusing on anyone else, just giving him my full attention the whole time. It was such a wonderful date and he even got me flowers; he sure does know how to treat a lady. He really made me realize how much he wants me and how much I deserve and what I mean to him.
This has seriously become my favorite thing to do now—going on dates with God. Like the other night I stayed back at the house and made some dinner and just talked to God the whole time, asking him what he would like to do. We ended up eating a tuna sandwich, bbq chips, an apple, and drank some peach tea while we sat on my sleeping pad and watched a movie together. I look forward to the dates we will have and seeing what he has in store for each of these times.
He also showed me what he had in store for me during debrief by the two gifts that he presented to me. During some of our sessions, Megan, a World Race alumni that came to help us work through the trauma we have experienced recently, had us do a couple of different relaxing exercises. One night she told us to close our eyes and just focus on what we could feel with them then moving slowly up the body ending with focusing on our breathing. She then said to picture ourselves with God, and that he had a gift for me. Would I accept it? She told us to notice the wrapping paper and the details of it. My gift from God was wrapped in that brown paper with a vintage red and white stripe string around it. When I opened it, there before me was a beautiful simple engagement ring that he had for me. The following evening we did the same exercise except this time Megan said God was walking with me down a road. I saw He and I holding hands, walking down this beautiful wooded dirt road and then Megan said that he was walking us to a house. I saw my dream house before me and then God walks me to the door and we go in. Megan encouraged us to walk around the house with God, take a tour. We walked into this simple comfy home, and were standing in the entry way by a staircase, then down a little hall was a huge open living room. God took my hand and we walked into the living room, which was perfection—the back wall was just big windows looking out into the forest and there was a huge “L” shaped leather couch, then a stone faced fireplace quietly crackling and above was a tv for snuggling up on the couch and watching movies. God then walked me to the right to see an incredible huge open kitchen that was literally like my pinterest dream kitchen. There was big island and bar for eating, then those mint colored subway tiles as the backsplash that went to a huge stove with iron burners and next to that two huge ovens perfect for some good ole baking. Megan then said God has another gift for you and I turned around to look back at God and he was standing there with this cutely wrapped box. I just looked at him and just felt such a deep rush of unconditional love for me running through me. We are already standing in my dream house and he just gave me an incredible gift the night before and now another. I started to open the gift and soon realized what it was and it made me laugh…it was a kitchenmaid mixer. It cracked me up because to me that is one of the best gifts that I could receive and it is a mixer. The rest of the time God and I stayed in the kitchen dancing and singing around while we made one of my favorite meals; honey glazed chicken with bacon, maple bacon cupcakes, little mini cherry pies, and so much more. I later told Megan about the gifts that God had given me and what we did and she told me how beautiful it is to see what God has been doing in me and showing me. It is him doing everything first with me before he gives me to my husband. It is like an insight of what he has in store for me and showing me that I just need to trust in him. He would not give me desires that he would not want to give to me; but it is learning patience and trust in him before he will do these things.
One thing I did in Nepal is got the inside of my finger tattooed saying ‘His’ on my left ring finger. I did this as a commitment to God, like a wedding band—just saying that He is my husband and how I want to look to him first for everything and that he is the most important person in my life. Also as a commitment to him and my future husband to be only theirs in everything. I am excited that I am taken by my dream man and how he loves me more than I could ever understand.
