Within the first week of being on the race God truly testing me and has shown me so much within in myself. During launch our squad mentor Stacy came up to me and told me about an image that God had shown her. She saw me in a crumbling building that had been destroyed by an earthquake or something and I was in the fetal position protecting myself. I continued to stay in this position due to fear of the continuous crumbling of the walls and scared to come out but then God was there to show me that it is safe and he will protect me. She prayed that I would trust in God and become confident and comfortable in myself. Also that I would become bold in my voice and just to trust in Him. This blows my mind because this past year God has really been breaking down walls that I have put up around me to protect me from everyone, including myself. Since an earlier age I started to hide myself from everyone because I did not want to be judged or labeled as an outcast. The next day when we meet with our squad leaders and mentor as a team, Stacy handed me a book and told me to read it. At first I did not know how to take it but after reading the first chapter, which wrecked my world, I know exactly why she handed me this book. The book is Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost and let me tell you it was like a punch to the gut from God. In the first chapter Frost talks about how we have an orphan mindset and that when in this mindset we tend to be independent and we something starts to bother us we go off to ourselves and hide. We tend not to trust people and love is just not an option. He then ended the chapter with this question, “How many times have you come and risked opening your heart for a moment of tenderness, a moment of nurturing, or a moment of warmth, only to receive nothing in return?” The tears instantly started to pour of me because this has happened in every relationship in my life. He continued to say, “We either live our life as if we have a home and a loving Father’s arms to run to when the world is trying to give us what they think we deserve, or we live our life as if we don’t have a home.” This hit home in me because I know that I live my life as if I don’t have a home or anyone there. Frost left you with this last challenge, “So, which will it be? Will you live your life like an orphan who has no home, frozen in numb-numb-ville on the bow in the midst of the sea of fear? Or will you live your life in the warmth of your Father’s loving embrace, a perfect love that drives out all fear?” As I said earlier, this chapter wrecked me because all this time God has been continuously pursuing me and I keep living in an orphan mindset unwilling and unable to accept His love. Scared the he would hurt me or throw me away like I have experienced continuously through my life.
Friday evening, after just finishing this chapter, we had squad worship. I was already not in the mood to be around anyone because I had been crying and did not want to have someone ask me if I was okay cause I knew that I would begin to cry again. I did not want anyone to see me crying because I wanted to continue to hide away behind that wall. But literally everything that was said, sung, and spoken over me was all what God had been saying to me and the evidence of his pursuit for me. Yet I still wanted to resist the breaking down of this wall. This wall was too deep and sensitive. Later that evening I had the chance to sit down with one of my squad leaders, Dusty and he really helped me in realizing that why am I so scared to accept God’s love and that why should I leave one broken wall up to rebuild on instead of starting on a clean foundation and new strong walls. I could still tell that I was resisting, like I was still holding part of the wall up and fighting God. But last night I spoke with my other squad leader, Teresa, about what has be going on and she told me how she could see God clearly pursuing me in my story and how she had an image of me standing there frozen and slowly the ice is melting away. She prayed that I would become bold in my voice and that my heart would beat in line with God’s.
I am scared and mad that God is going after this wall but I know this has been a long time coming and look forward to the peace and joy that will come from it. I am ready to accept his love and pursue him like he has been pursuing me for so long. I am ready to allow everyone to see me raw and broken during this time, even though I am scared of the judgment or lack of understanding that could come with it. I have to learn how to trust that God will not abandon me or leave me broken.
“And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think, Then you will learn to know God’s will for you which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:1-2
“I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord.” – Hosea 2:19-20
