I never thought I would say this but my heart has iced over and it is hardened to hope for a great future and being vulnerable to those wanting in. I used to have no problem being open and letting people in; I always wore my emotions on my shoulder and found strength in being that vulnerable. But as time has gone by and people have hurt me and I have hurt myself; losing hope in what could happen because I was sure that it would be bad. I started to believe the lie that there is no happy ending for me, and my heart started to grow cold and doubtful to anything that could happen. I believe this is the reason I have struggled so long with depression and have never been able to get out of its twisted and draining cycle.
Since last May (2014) God has been walking me through this realization and he has slowly been chipping away at my heart. I really did not know what He had planned, nor did I really want him to start this process because of the simple fact that I just did not want to be let down again and again. I have allowed this lie to control my thoughts for so long and I did not know how deeply it was rooted in me. And God has slowly been working on this and since the beginning of the race he has slowly and gracefully been pulling this root out.
Ever since being on the race, teammates and squadmates have been speaking into me the joy they see pouring out of me and how I continue to make them smile and laugh. I really never thought twice about it because I never really saw it in myself; I saw myself more of the wallflower kid, not the one that made people laugh or brightened up the room. This was the lie Satan had told me on a daily basis and I have grown to believe it. Then as the first month went by I started to see how I could make my team laugh and they kept telling me how much joy and laughter I brought to them. I also started to feel it working in me and bringing me such a happiness that I knew I could only receive from God.
But then I would start to allow that lie to speak in me and tell me that ‘there is no happy ending for you and just look at what is in your past, see there is nothing but pain for you.’ So for the past couple of months it has been a war between Satan and God in me; who was right and how would I know who was right? In India, God really started to show me that he was right and that yes there are going to be hard times in my life but that he has such a bright fruitful future for me. He was telling me that ‘sometimes you are going to fall and be broken, but you are so beautiful and joyful during those broken times. I have so much for you and you are so worthy of it all.’ I really strived to walk in this but then Nepal happened and my world was turned upside down and I became fearful of the earth and wondered how there could be a good future in this.
Thankfully God’s grace abounds and he reached down and lifted me up and held me. He has shown me through his word and times with him that I am going to have these hard times but His greatness and happiness will always come to pass. Some of the scriptures he has been walking me through are:
‘So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.’ -2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG
‘Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.’ -James 2-4 MSG
‘So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. There trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—through you faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.’ -! Peter 1:6-7 NLT
‘This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and Children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!’ Romans 8:15-17 MSG
At first when people were telling me how joyful I was and just how I would light up a room when I came in, I just thought well blah to joy. I was kind of like joy is lame and I want to be taken seriously; I did not want to be seen has the kid that only laughs. But then I really started watching and talking to God about this and it hit me; just because he has given me so much joy does not mean people won’t take me seriously and in fact they will know when I am speaking on something that is serious. God has shown me how joy is incredible and that because of all the joy he has given me I do not have to hold negative thoughts in me and how the joy conquers these thoughts and doubts. Since having this realization, I can feel my heart having a warmth from inside and the ice is melting away. I am now so grateful for the overflowing heart of joy that God has given me and how He has made me into someone who lights up a room when walking into it.
Now I can truly walk in one of my heart verses and I see know how I am that kind of lady. God has been showing me how he has such beautiful and wonderful plans for my future and how I should never doubt or think I do not deserve them. I am worthy and loved and sought after and pursued. He is molding me into the Proverbs 31 lady and that is a dream come true.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
-Proverbs 31:25
I am a beautiful queen in God’s kingdom and there is not a ounce of ice around me. I will laugh and bask in His presence and the great plans he continues to show me.
