Funny story: so I wrote this blog. posted it. about five minutes after that I took it down. I took it down because I started doubting…and I started thinking (ugh thinking)Which is just further proof that it’s easier for me to share the good stuff. But I am trying to learn to share what I am experiencing as I am in it, not just when I have reached the other side. Learning to praise God in the storm, not just when the sun breaks through the clouds. and I am convinced God has a sense of humor… so even though I had taken the blog down it still somehow went to my subscribers and today I received some much needed encouragement about this post from a pal who had no idea the blog was even removed. Thanks Rafel! So here it is. second time around and its still so true… this life is about HIM.
One month ago I was with my squad praising, praying and playing. Now I am in an empty apartment full of questions and fears. My emotional state from day to day is a roller coaster. Overwhelmed. I am trying to surrender.
It’s hard to surrender my suffering.
I want to give all my good to God but it’s tough to willingly let someone in to all the stuff that sucks. I just want to ignore it because I feel selfish to admit that any part of my life at the moment can even be counted as suffering. I’m blessed. But it is. And I’m learning more day by day that there is no strength whatsoever in denial. Pushing down or ignoring hurt or discomfort will never bring joy or healing. It will never result in freedom. It will, in the end, always cause more pain. Every time I pretend like something, no matter how small, didn’t effect me I add one more brick to the wall threatening to build itself around my heart.
I feel selfish because I have compared my life to others and I think “With all the blessings, all the joy, how can I feel this way? Christians lose their life for the gospel but I’m struggling to say goodbye for a year?” But there is not a universal measure for hurt. What hurts my heart might not mean anything to you. But nevertheless, my heart still aches because of it.
Suffering is a personal journey and we each have our own cross to bear.
At this moment what hurts me, what makes me uncomfortable, what I am struggling to embrace, is goodbye. Less than three weeks left in NYC. 16 days left to wander the streets I love, giggle with my platonic life partner Mollie at the end of a long day, even less performing with a company whom I ardently admire and love, less than a handful with my church family at Brooklyn tabernacle.
A lot of people, with the best intentions, say things like “Oh how fun. Traveling for a year, seeing the world, doing good. I am jealous.” Or this one “It’s only a year. That’s nothing.” And yes, all of those are true facts about the World Race and I am NOT trying to belittle anyone’s encouragement (I actually really appreciate it) But what I do want to do is share very openly what I have been experiencing on this journey for anyone who needs this message. Even if I am the only one who does.
So what about when all the things we choose to sacrifice hit us like a ton of bricks? What about the moment I realize that I will miss my niece’s birthday for the first time since she was born? What about saying goodbye to my dreams, my plans and hopes? What about all the beautiful moments of growth and God’s hand I will miss in my friend’s lives? I can’t pretend that it is easy to lay down the image of what and whom I always thought I would be…But I am doing it.
I wish I were someone who could say farewell without a single pang. (Is that even human?) But alas, I am not. And no matter how excited I am for the World Race and a life devoted to missions (should that be where God directs me) it is still really hard to say bye to people I love, bye to my plan.
Here is what my loving Father has been teaching me through it all though…
He knows me, He sees me, and He loves me.
I don’t have to pretend like it’s easy. I don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t hurt. I can admit that in a five minute span I might go from dancing with excitement to crying because I am terrified.
I can experience dying to myself, because I know it is worth it. Most of all, I don’t have to run from pain because I trust the Lord with my whole life. No one has ever told me life with God, life rising above my flesh, life dying to myself would be easy. In fact, if anything, the Book promises me it won’t be easy, comfortable or pain free. But that same letter of love also tells me that God took on human form to die a horrible death to set me free. So no matter the cost, my life is His.
I exist to give God glory and make His precious name known.
If that comes at the expense of my comfort, so be it. He is God. Yet He chose me. He loves me and pursues me every single moment of every single day. How can I not love Him with every ounce of my being? Even though the next few weeks will be really tough, I will not be moved. My desire for God is stronger than any pain or discomfort I have known. The fire in my soul to be a vessel for His love is the force that keeps me going.
When doubt threatens to drown me I will rise above the water by standing on the promises of my Savior and I will fix my eyes on Jesus. This life is for Him.
“I keep my eyes always on the Lord, With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” -Psalm 16:8
“Yet I am always with you;you hold me by my right hand.You guide me with your counsel,and afterward you will take me intoglory.Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desirebesides you.My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heartand my portion forever.”
-Psalm 73:23-26
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters…Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:16-18
