During the last two weeks I might as well have introduced myself as such. I could have lead this introduction in a multitude of ways such as offering my left hand instead of my right hand for a shake or when the other person offers their hand I take both of mine, in complete confusion as to what they are doing in offering their hand in the first place, and sandwich their hand…circling around it like it’s a foreign object. (Just some of the ways a few friends “break the ice” when meeting new people). Okay so this may make no sense to most of you but nevertheless it’s a silly way of going about things…similar to the way I've gone about things the last two weeks.
One month ago I sent out support letters and at the two week mark, the mark where I’m getting ready to make some intimidating phone calls, my phone decides to sit on the pot (the toilet that is). I’m coping the first few days…thinking that I’ll just as soon have a working phone and can begin making calls to potential supporters. When my phone decided to stay on the pot for over a week (trying to figure out what part of the phone was actually messing up) is when I began to doubt…and panic. You see, it started as a charging issue and steadily led to an ‘I’ve decided not to even turn-on’ issue. Following, was a week of switching out my phone case, then battery, and a whole other week trying to get a new wall charger (which was the last piece that came to mind to replace). For some reason the order for the charger kept getting messed up and wasn’t actually entered in for delivery, followed by a delay in FedEx delivery once the order was actually placed. Talk about FRUSTRATING! During this process I resorted to questioning myself and questioning God.
Questions such as: “God, what are you trying to tell me that I’m not getting?!” “Am I really suppose to go on this trip?” “Is this situation from Satan or God?”…because if it’s from Satan I can deal and push forward, but if it’s from God I need to listen better and figure out what He's trying to show me.
Throughout this process, I began developing a sense of urgency and began shaking constantly inside. I’d stop and look at my hand to see if it was shaking…my foolishness was hidden…ridiculous, I know. I was pretty secluded from the outside world…sad to put such importance on my phone, but it’s true. Then a thought provoking question re-entered my whirlpool of thoughts. At Bible study, the statement that 'God greatly uses ORDINARY people who are at the END OF THEMSELVES and FULLY RELIANT ON HIM,' stirred my emotions and thoughts. My original thinking on this statement was, “Well, clearly I’m at the end of myself because I’m going to be living in a tent for a year traveling the world and following God’s voice to touch lives.” However, as this phone situation progressed I was hounded with that statement.
Coming to the end of myself…How does a person find the end of themselves? To be at the end is to allow God to be at the beginning…guiding, leading …and fully relying on his power. I’m not at the end of myself. God doesn’t guide me into selfish desires and a ‘me only’ mindset. Fully relying on God’s power, and not my own abilities, doesn’t cause me to stress over fundraising. Worrying about details of this trip versus praying about the trip, praying about my growth and preparation, praying about the countries I’m going to and the people that live there, doesn’t represent me being at the end of myself. I’m not at the end of myself…I’m not…but I so desperately desire to be.
Yes this trip is about me…it is. It’s about me being discipled, me growing in my relationship with God, me seeing cultures, places, peoples, injustices of the world. It’s about me…but what global purpose is there in all of this? Why do I care about me being discipled or growing closer to God or being in the midst of different people groups? It boils down to my longing to be fully blessed by God so that I am able to pour my blessing into, around, on top of, and underneath those that need it. I can’t always express my passions in the most unselfish manner but my heart desires more than anything to die to myself…to be at the end of myself…and to be led by God’s power. I want the rest of my life to be destroyed and re-molded into helping one or two or all of the injustices I will experience, and the people groups I will get to learn about. This is the beginning of an amazing journey…this is God’s power pushing forward in my life and me falling back until finally I’m at the end and He is at the forefront.
When my phone decided a few days ago to get off the pot and partake in other activities I was ecstatic. I still haven’t got around to calling many people because, well, the first night was devoted to talking to my mom…first priority, and by golly that provided much needed encouragement. The next night was devoted to Bible study. BUT, I wasn’t shaking anymore because God showed me how things run in His neighborhood. As soon as my phone “got unbroken” and before any calls were made, support began increasing in my account. “Who could have been responsible for that?” I pondered.
On top of this, friends had been brainstorming and organizing fundraiser ideas. One friend is making a bunch of bracelets and has been selling them, making an awesome profit. I had no idea!
…This is my call, This is my trial (the first at least), This is my God. I am such a fool to think I have any power on my own with my own works…I’m going to keep striving to be at the end (of myself) and allow God to take the lead.
