When the heart begins to see what the eyes don’t…

I had a dream about me speaking at a church and telling this story, so I’m not really sure if it cheapens the lesson behind it by writing it in a blog, or if it should be told in person. But, it’s something that God has been teaching me so I will share it now, and maybe I’ll share again in person in 8 months :).

I was growing in leaps and bounds in my faith since being on the World Race; never thinking twice about what the Lord was teaching me, or questioning the truths that I have began to believe with so much of my heart that it has become the essence of who I am. God was revealing himself to me in ways that I never expected; I was relying on Him for everything: every breath, every meal, every laugh, every thought, every idea of what I had planned for the future. I was seeking after Him in every decision that I made; truly comprehending what it means to die to self. I realized that it’s not all about me during my time in Haiti, which allowed God to chip away some of my previous characteristics and flood my heart with His own. 

The joy, triumphs, happiness, contentment, increase of faith, feelings of truly understanding grace, and growth that I’ve experienced the past 3 months all came to a screeching halt about a week ago. Some concerns were voiced by someone about my doctrine/theology. These opinions caused me to question much of the growth that I’ve experienced; while I’ve been learning to take God out of the box and live in freedom, it seems as though people would like me to be confined in the box of rules and self-perception once again. 

My initial response was one that isn’t a typical reaction of mine. I was so angry that I was shaking. After throwing a few things and speaking a few choice words, I calmed down and took a few deep breaths. My first thoughts were “how dare someone that doesn’t really know me send me this?” And then I thought, “is that really all that people think about when they read my blog…that really sucks”. Then the gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Out of everything that I have written, the things that I poured all of myself into, the one thing that stuck out to someone was theology? My heart shattered and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. 

The children at the school in Haiti that ran up to me and wouldn’t let go of my hand, because they saw an American and thought I had come to save them. The stories of the people in Guatchupita that have shown me what it means to live unselfishly by offering me a meal when they didn’t have food for themselves to eat. The people in Ireland that are so desperate for hope that you can see their pained hearts just by looking into their eyes. 

These things all seemed meaningless in comparison to the desire to be “right”; the desire to debate about whether the chicken or the egg came first (possibly a little exaggerated, but you get my point). All of the revelations and truths that have come through my experiences were clouded by a common theme among many Christians, the focus on who has the most accurate doctrine. While I’ve been trying to be your eyes and ears around the world, to talk about how big God is and what He’s doing in the places I’ve been, to point the focus at the despair and humanity issues that we are trying to conquer through Christ, the fact that people have been focused on what they feel that I’m not saying or doing the correct way truly breaks my heart. God, help me, if I have became the focal point.

I understand that I see things daily that most people will never see, and maybe that gives me a different perspective. I get it. But, does it mean that I’m wrong because my walk doesn’t match someone elses? God has given us each a unique story to live. So, why are we all stuck in the act of trying to be the same? 

Let me make it clear that I don’t think that theology/doctrine is bad; it’s important to know what you believe and why you believe it. But, I do believe that it has created a huge rift in Christianity. We don’t know all of the answers for a reason, nor should we claim to…what would be the point of faith? 

The purpose of my life is to love God and to love people. When you live alongside people, breathe the same air they breathe, eat the same food they eat, and live in the same conditions as them, all the while living in their pain and suffering of losing family to diseases or earthquakes, you realize their desperate need to be told they are loved by a God that delights in them. A God that sees their pain and can be their light at the end of the tunnel. 

I sat with Jocelyn, a woman I had only just met, in her living room (when I say living room I mean a concrete floor with a few chairs), and held her hand and cried with her over the loss of her brothers. If I had tried to wow her with my intelligence about Christianity, she would haven’t felt loved; she would have felt belittled and probably let that experience define her view of God. Isn’t this where we have been getting it wrong?

It’s easy to act like everything is dandy when I get to edit and revise my only communication to people, but in all honesty, sometimes the things I’ve seen seem to crash into me like a tidal wave and bring me to my knees. Some days are really hard to get through. Some days it feels like everything is going wrong and the whole world is going to hell, living in poverty, or starving. Some days I really miss my family, friends, job, and home. I walked away from people that I loved because God whispered that He had more in store for me; more than any relationship that I could possibly pursue. God told me to “go”, and I chose to say yes. So, offering anything other than encouragement to someone on the mission field, that is spending their days pouring their heart and soul into the darkest places in the world, isn’t that great of an idea. It’s debilitating to the passion behind the heart that keeps me going day in and day out.  

I mean this in the most loving but honest way possible: please remember that no one forces you to read my blog.  I’m not telling you these things for you to be angry for me or at me. I hope with all of my heart that this example will wake many people up to the fact that we easily ignore people that are dying and hopeless when we have our own agenda of proving our intelligence level in the forefront of our mind. For some reason, we often think our ability to outwit someone defines our impact as a Christian, but we’ll gladly pass by someone that is hungry on the street, or a young girl crying because she feels all alone.