After staying the night at a missionary base a few miles from the Haitian border, a school bus picked us up to drive us to our inidividual ministry locations in Haiti. The 5 hour drive went smoothly except for a traffic jam that left us in stand-still traffic for about 30 minutes.
I spent the bus ride trying to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to see. I’ve seen people living in poverty before in the border cities of Mexico. I taught students that sometimes went hungry, so I thought that surely I could handle anything. Nothing could have prepared my mind or heart for what I saw when we arrived in Port-Au-Prince.
Conversations ceased as soon as we entered the city; words were insignificant for what my eyes were seeing. Mounds of trash lined the streets and gutters, and unsettled dust filled the air. Buildings lie in ruins and tents consumed many parts of the cities; thousands of people walked the streets, most likely unknowingly walking past many bodies that still lie under the rubble from the earthquake.
Lord, I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough Father. I am so insignificant compared to this brokenness. Why did you bring me here God? What did I get myself into? These thoughts consumed my mind as I took in the site of Port Au Prince. I glanced at my teammates to read the emotions on their face and see if I was the only one struggling to keep it together; blank stares were all that would suffice. Fear filled my heart, because I instantly knew that I could never go back to living in ignorance.
Lord why did you give me this heart? Why did you place this desire in me? Do you really think I can handle this? Why, why, why? Can’t I just live my life and be a “normal” 23 year old? I sat in my seat and stared out the window until we arrived at our contacts’ house, while still feeling very overwhelmed. The bus pulled over; I honestly felt that it was dooms day. Lord, can’t I just get back on the bus? I really don’t know about this…are You sure You didn’t get this one wrong?
We walked into the gate that surrounds our house and were greeted by the pastor we are living with. It was surreal in the fact that the fear and doubt stirring inside of me was quieted as soon as we entered the gate. This is a place of the Lord. I was reminded that God does not give us a spirit of fear or timidity and acknowledged that my emotions were from the father of lies. Ok, Lord, if this is where you brought me then I will stay. I will do what You ask of me because I know that You are good, and I know that you are faithful.
I may not feel like I can do this, and that’s because I can’t. Only the Lord can, but I know that He will see me through. I have so many more things to write about Haiti, but need to collect and process many things for myself. I see so much of Jesus in this nation; there is hope.
