Pre-warning: This is going to be an insanely long post, you may want to grab a snack or take a moment to get your ADHD under control. Learn to love it 🙂
I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the horrible pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3
The only way to really know where you’re going is to understand where you’ve been.
The purpose of this blog is meant to encourage, uplift, and strengthen your walk. I want for you to get a glimpse of the fact that even in the worst of situations, the hope of Jesus Christ doesn’t fail. He is a strong and mighty tower. Out of everything in the world, the Author of the Universe desires a relationship with you and me. His love does not fail. We can make a million mistakes, and He comes back the millionth and one time. What a beautiful picture of a perfect love. I have complete faith in the fact that God uses all things to perfect His plan, and hopefully my story will strengthen that belief in you. This is the story of my redemption from the hardest times I have faced in life thus far. And so it begins…
Let me preface this story with the fact that 8 of my relatives have passed away over the course of the past 2 1/2 years. Each one passed away extremely close to a Holiday…which has left my family breathing a sigh of relief when we all make it through a Holiday meal without choking and killing over. My family is really close. My extended aunts and uncles, as well as extended grandparents, are the age of most peoples’ parents/grandparents. Growing up, extended family didn’t exist; I spent the holidays with my immediate and extended family, and every family gathering included pretty much everyone in our family. My grandfather passed away when I was in 8th grade, so my parents, being the wonderful people that they are, decided we should build a house beside my grandmothers’ and great-grandparents’ houses so that we could be close. That’s weird to a lot of people; many people my age didn’t get the chance to meet their great aunts and uncles, or great-grandparents, but mine were a big part of my childhood, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Rewind to November of 2007. My great-uncle, EE, passed away. He had multiple different health problems, and grew weaker with each passing year. EE and Reba, my great-aunt, were a big part of my childhood. When my sister and I were younger, we stayed with them everyday after school until my parents got off of work. My most prominent memory of staying with them was one of playing with snails that we “caught” and eating Reba’s homemade shells and cheese. The funny thing is, my best friend Reagan stayed there sometimes when we were younger. She cried ALL of the time, and I pretty much wanted to punch her in the face daily (sorry about that Ray, I still love you haha). Little did I know that we would become such great friends in the future :). It seemed like life was so simple back then; with his death, I felt like it was the beginning of bidding my childhood good-bye.
Now fast-forward to April of 2008. My great-uncle Carter passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. He never had any serious health problems, so no one in my family saw this one coming. Uncle Carter was one of the sweetest little men I’ve ever known; he showed his love by teasing and pestering everyone. Even when he was being led into the Emergency Room, he was still cracking jokes. He loved life and always had a smile on his face. He was hardly ever serious, which was always one of my favorite things about him :). He was my grandmothers’, Nanny Brown, best friend. The sadness that my grandmother has gone through following his death is indescribable. Such an amazing man, taken so suddenly without any warning. His death left a void in our family that I’m confident no one will be able to fill.
Now fast-forward to May of 2008, the weekend of Memorial Day. My great-grandmother, sweet Nan, passed away. Although it was upsetting, her death didn’t come as a surprise; she had health issues for awhile, and was less able and willing to do even the smallest tasks. My heart was broken for my Papa, especially when my mom painted the picture of when they discovered her lying motionless and non-responsive. My papa called my mom to come to the house, since they are neighbors, and she found him lying in the bed with my Nan begging her to wake up. They were married for 69 years. Incredible. Our family gatherings were at “Nan and Papa’s” house, so now part of the anchor of our family was gone. The family that I had known for the past 21 years was slowly dwindling. When I thought of the future, I had always pictured the family members that were in much of my childhood to also be in my own children’s lives (assuming I’m meant to have children, or if I even want them after being a teacher 🙂 jk people, jk).
Now fast-forward to September of 2008, around Labor Day, give or take a few days. My great-uncle and great-aunt, Sonny and Mary, were killed in a car accident after leaving my Papa’s house. They brought Papa dinner and visited with him every Sunday. Teenagers leaving the mall in Waco were speeding and crossed over the median of Highway 6, which caused their SUV to hit Sonny and Mary’s truck head-on. The teenagers were also killed; it was a tragedy for everyone involved. Uncle Sonny and Aunt Mary were in their mid-sixties, with a lot of life left to live, or so we thought. I held an admiration for my Uncle Sonny that is hard to describe. He was a kind and quiet man. He wasn’t the kind of man that spoke just to fill the silence; everyone knew it was something important when he did speak. It’s not easy to earn my respect; I don’t try to be that way intentionally, it’s just how I’ve always been. Uncle Sonny didn’t ask for my respect, he earned it with the way he treated everyone. Aunt Mary was also a very kind woman. She always had a smile on her face; every memory that I have of her is one that involves laughter and happiness. They were the perfect illustration of “good people”. After the initial shock of their deaths began to wear off, our family was in a “what do we do now” state. Not only had my Papa lost his wife a few months earlier, now he was dealt the blow of unexpectedly losing his son and daughter-in-law. The only thought that consumed my mind was “really God, really?”
Thanksgiving that year was tough. How could we come together and be thankful when our hearts were broken that so many of our blessings had been taken? When our family gathered togethered, the sadness was so evident that it was almost unbearable. The joy that had existed just months earlier was replaced with endless tears and sorrow. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that really GOOD people were being taken from the Earth, while so many others were still here to only make the world worse.
This was also around the time that I was dating a guy, let’s call him Josh (I’m not even friends with anyone named Josh, so perfect name choice). I was always the girl that had it all together; I never gave most guys the time of day, because I could see right through their insincerity. I was going places with my life, and didn’t need “some college guy” getting in the way of that. Within months, that all changed. When I met Josh, I fell hard. The standards of how I expected to be treated seemed to disappear, along with my confidence and happiness. I allowed someone to “pencil me in” when it was convenient. I began to believe lies that told me maybe I wasn’t so great, and maybe I really didn’t deserve to be shown a true and pure love. I found faults in myself that I had never even considered. I thought my imperfections made me unlovable. For some reason, my perspective had changed from one of thinking that God had a person that would love me exactly how I am, to one of rationalizing that it was ok for me to jump through hoops in order to earn someone’s love. My thoughts were that I should feel privileged for someone to care about me so much. If someone didn’t want me for exactly who I am, then that must mean that I needed to change myself. That’s how things work, right? Well, that’s a negative ghost rider. Even though I knew in my head that I deserved to be treated better, I definitely couldn’t get my heart to understand that.
My walk with the Lord was inconsistent at this time in my life. For some reason, I had forgotten the depth of Christ’s love. Instead of trusting in God’s faithfulness and ability to “work all things for the good of those who love Him” (Romans
8:28), I was so angry with God. I felt completely abandoned; instead of clinging to His hope and promises, I looked at the negativity of the situations in my life. I was searching for a love to make me happy, to complete me. I placed God on the back-burner and tried to do things my way, which just left me hurt and broken-hearted. I would randomly cry at even the smallest thing. I would cry so much that I would become overcome with nausea. I counted calories in everything that I ate, and couldn’t stop thinking about exercising if I missed a day of working out. I thought that if I could only be skinnier and lose one more pound, or if my hair was only a certain way, or if only I were nicer life would be so much better and surely I would be good enough. (If you’re reading this and you have those thoughts, talk to someone, pray about it, STOP thinking that way….because it’s not true, you are beautifully and wonderfully made by a King that loves everything about you).My relationship with my parents was strained. At one point, my mom asked me if I was on drugs. No, I wasn’t on drugs…I just felt completely empty. I rarely went home, because I was good at hiding how I really felt except around my family; I plastered a smile on my face most days, and became good at pretending everything was perfectly fine. But, when I was alone and no longer performing a charade, the sadness in my heart was so thick I could barely breathe. I became convinced that there was no way a Holy God would want anything to do with me, a girl that had failed Him miserably. I couldn’t even pray without crying. I was a “hot mess” as my students say :). I watched my family crumble before my eyes, and I had believed lies that guys told me, all in hopes of having the kind of loving relationship that I desired. And what did I gain from pursuing life on my own? A terrible outlook on relationships and enough issues that Dr.Phil wouldn’t have taken me as a client :). All I could think was “what in the world happened to the person that I was?” I had never experienced so much devastation in such a short period of time. The life I had known was shattered. My heart was truly broken.
I was put on academic probation at A&M, because my grades were definitely not great. I was moody, I was bitter, and I wasn’t motivated at all. I didn’t get into the Professional Phase of Sport Management, which was what I had been taking classes for. So, I could either continue to pursue that degree, or completely change what I was going to school for, in hopes of graduating on time. I thought that working in the sports industry was what I was supposed to do. I love sports so why would God give me that passion and then shut down my dream? If I really wanted to get into a Sport Management program, I would have to transfer to another University. At this point, I decided to pursue a general business degree at A&M. I began to question what my life was really about, and where it was headed. I didn’t see how things could get much worse.
Thankfully, I lived with my best friends during this time, and another best friend practically lived with us. I went to Breakaway, an on-campus worship service, with my best friend/roommate Katie at the time. (Katie lived with me for only our senior year, which is an even greater example of God’s perfect timing. Shout-out to New and Hill for being amazing best friends and helping me through this time in my life, I love you so much). With the way things were going, I hadn’t been to church or Breakaway in awhile. The sermon that week was about a love that knows no bounds; A God that doesn’t turn His back on us, even when we are unworthy. At the end of the service, I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like hours. How could I have doubted my Savior’s love for me? How could I have believed so many lies about being worthless? I started to remember the power of God’s grace, and was finally able to start going to church again without feeling the heavy burden that I had been weighted down with for months. I realized that the perfection in myself that I had been seeking would never happen, which made the enormity of God’s grace that much greater. I slowly began the process of seeking God again in my daily life and the joy-filled person that I once was began to come to life again.
Now fast-forward to July of 2009. My great-grandfather, Papa, passed away. Since Nan, Sonny, and Mary had passed away on my dad’s side of the family, Papa was one of the main reasons we all still got together for the holidays. Although it seemed a little forced sometimes, our family tried to help Papa have a good time during the holidays, in hopes that he wouldn’t be thinking of all that he had lost. He battled cancer multiple times, and was really just exhausted from living. Papa was such a sweet man that would randomly say one-liners that let you know he still had a joy for life, even in his 86 years. Papa was a major part of my dad’s life when he was younger, and they grew to be best friends throughout the years. When you lose people that have lived for so long, it’s kind of like you no longer have access to an understanding of the past. It makes you realize that sometimes you have to live through things on your own, rather than being able to take the advice of others that have been through much more in their lifetime. Papa was buried on the 4th of July. My parents built a pool not too long before that, so we all spent the day together swimming and enjoying our time with each other. It was a bitter-sweet day; I think everyone in my family realized the impact that the loss of multiple family members had on our family, but it was also a day to realize that there was still joy found in living.
I graduated from Texas A&M in May of 2009, and had been searching for a job for multiple months when Papa passed away. I interviewed in Hearne, and received a call from the principal offering me a job a little over an hour after I found out about his death. I had only recently decided that I wanted to teach elementary school, even though I was certified for only grades 4-8. I also wanted to coach, which is pretty much impossible if you’re an elementary teacher. The job I was offered was an elective class for K-6 grades, as well as coaching high school volleyball and softball (my two favorite sports). I was in complete awe of how God was working. I had gone through so much those past few months, but God’s timing was so incredible. Getting a job offer on the same day was a way of God confirming that He “will never leave me nor forsake me” (Hebrews 11:1) and “His joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
I began my job and absolutely loved/still love my students. I was so excited to be put in a position of having a positive influence in so many kids’ lives that have no one to show them consistent love. My Uncle Jeff passed away from respiratory failure at the beginning of November of 2009, which was a year after he had to have his arm amputated after a car accident. My aunt and cousins are very close to my heart, so my family spent a few days with them after his funeral. It was as if God was trying to wake me up and show me how truly blessed I was.
Then, a few short weeks later, my grandmother, Nana, passed away from a heart attack the weekend before Thanksgiving, also the day before my cousin was getting married. She was 64 years old. Nana is the one that gave me my nickname, (Staco), when I was younger. We lived with Nana my freshman year of high school while our new house was being built beside hers. All of the other family members that my family lost seemed to be a preparation for the greatest loss of all. I can’t put into words the feelings that I had when my mom called me and told me that Nana passed away. Shock, anger, sadness…you name it, I felt it. We spent a lot of time together during the 4th of July weekend when my Papa passed away. I had so much fun spending time with her and telling her about my job; she let me know that she was proud of me and had confidence that I would be a great teacher. I know that God allowed that time for a reason. It helped me remember what a great person she was and how much joy she had brought into my life for so long. We gathered with my family on Thanksgiving Day, and I was asked to say the prayer of Thanksgiving. I was so overcome with sadness, but also knew that God is so much greater than any heartache that I had experienced. I only made it a few sentences into the prayer before I began to weep; I was overcome with gratitude for a God that had not abandoned me in such hard times. I can honestly say that I will never understand God’s timing, but I do have faith that His presence is unwaivering. I took some time off from work and returned to teach after the Thanksgiving break.
I know that I was placed in Hearne for a reason. I have been so blessed by the relationships that I have built with my students and athletes. Even after just beginning in Hearne, I became close with many of my high school athletes. They confided in me about family issues, (one lost a brother, another’s dad is terminally ill, and still others have parents/family members in jail). Some also talked to me about their self-image, and how they sometimes felt negatively about themselves.
The elementary students that I’ve become close with have also faced a lot of things in their short lives. One lost her mother, another lost her father, and two sweet girls have been dealing with their father serving in
Iraq. The student that lost her father has clung to me from the beginning of the year. She came to my classroom everyday during my conference time, which honestly took everything in me not to become annoyed, to talk with me and play on the computer. After her father passed away, she shared her heart with me about what she’d been going through. In that moment, I experienced an overwhelming desire for the ability to heal her hurt. I barely have the ability to handle the loss of loved ones in my 22 years, so to expect that of a 3rd grader that lost her father is incomprehensible. Hopefully the words that I spoke were exactly the right ones that God intended.All of these issues are issues that I can relate to, and none of which I would have been equipped to offer advice about if God hadn’t been preparing my heart through my own experience. I also have a student that comes up to me every morning and tells me that I’m pretty and she loves me. A constant reminder that God loves me for simply being me. Even though others have chosen to walk away because I have made mistakes or wasn’t “good enough”, His faithfulness is unchanging. It is evident to me that God’s plan is so much greater than I could ever imagine. Is it coincidence that I felt completely abandoned at one point in my life, and God brought me to a school where almost every student faces that issue? No, I’m certain of that.
I use to view being a Christian as following a bunch of rules. But, I’ve learned that God gives us boundaries, because he knows how sin will affect our lives. We are precious to Him; He wants us to be made in His image. I think that a lot of people tell themselves that they will be a better Christian in the future, maybe when they get older and they’re done with the ways of their “youth”. I use to think that way also, so I’m guilty of it too. But, when we think that way, one day we wake up with all of this junk in our lives and look at the person we’ve become, wondering where the time has gone and how we got to that place. At that point, it seems like God is too distant to even go back to pursuing a relationship with Him. Please don’t buy the lie that it’s ever too late to turn your life around.
There’s a story about a man falling in a hole. A doctor walks by and the man yells, “Hey doc, I fell in a hole, get me out of here”. The doctor writes him a prescription and goes on his way. A priest walks by and the man yells, “Hey priest, I fell in a hole, get me out of here”. The priest says a prayer for him and goes on his way. The man’s friend walks by and he yells “hey friend, I fell in a hole, get me out of here”. The friend jumps in the hole, and the man is furious. He says, “Why in the world would you jump down here? Now we’re both stuck!” The friend says, “I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out”. I’ve known the pureness of God’s love. Like the friend in the story, I know the way out. I am going to places in the world where people have no hope. They’ve lost much more and have much less than I could ever imagine. So when people ask me why I’m going, my first thought is how could I not? I’ve experienced the unfailing love and never-ending hope of Jesus, and I get to share that with orphans, widows, prisoners, and many other people that are consumed with a feeling of hopelessness.
I clung to the Bible verse at the top and lyrics below when I felt like my life was falling apart. My life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. But, God is continuing to restore my heart and soul, and will do the same for you. Know that God loves you, and will never abandon you. Keep the faith 🙂
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
