I’ve been putting off blogging for a few weeks. Now that I’m sitting down to write what the Lord has placed on my heart, I’m nervous that my fingers might not ever stop typing. So, prepare yourself for several updates in the next few days :). My mind is kind of on overload at the moment.
What are some things you think of when you hear the word “wilderness”? I think of a burly man whose face is barely visible through a long beard; of course, he’s wearing a plaid shirt and carrying an ax. I think of the word desolation, of the Israelites wandering around for 40 years with hardly any sense of direction, and images of trees with stark-naked branches float through my mind.
I also think of month #2 on my World Race, the month I lived in the Dominican Republic. The month that I felt stripped to the core. I had no sense of who I was or even who I wanted to be. I wasn’t joyful. I wasn’t happy. And I definitely wasn’t excited. I was just there, existing from day to day and playing the part in our routine of ministry. I cried many a nights that month; when asked what was wrong by my team, I could only say that I felt alone and continue to cry.
Fast-forward a year and some change later, to one month before I left to squad lead B-Squad, and I was back in the same boat. This time, I knew who I was (or at least I like to think I did) and who I wanted to be; it’s not so much that I felt alone, it’s that I knew what it meant to hear the Lord so clearly before and couldn’t understand why He would hide His voice from me when I’d been given such a huge responsibility.
It was during this time that I had to re-posture my heart before the Lord. I had to take the focus off myself and give my heart to this squad. I had to give Him relationships, some that encouraged me and others that hindered. I had to give Him the desire to feel settled and invest in something of permanence. I had to revisit old wounds that I thought were healed, yet absolutely despised entertaining the thought of them again.
And, eventually, the Lord began to speak to me again.; in ways that I’ve never heard Him more clearly, through photography, giggles, and a heart that bares truth and love. He had to take me out to bring me back in…to show me that I can’t do this without following His lead or desiring to hear His voice. To show me that I don’t have to be anything that I’m not…not for Him, or any relationship, or even for this squad. And that’s pretty amazing…I think I can lay my head on that at night and sleep peacefully 🙂
I just really love this song right now, enjoy!
