For my supporters and curious readers, after coming home at the end of month five with the hope of going back I did not get to. In one word I was CRUSHED. Well my mind was crushed, my body said HALLELUJAH SHE IS FINALLY LISTENING.
Let me take you back in time to month one debrief. I was an entirely different person. I was exhausted, sun burnt, and living with strangers. It was HARD. Our squad mentor began the debrief with passages from the Old Testament calling God’s people to remember as an act of worship. She gave us the same call, and I sat there exhausted, over it, and rolled my eyes (love you Meghan in the end I learned a lot!!!). I thought WHY THE HECK WOULD GOD WANT ME TO REMEMBER THE LAST MONTH? I learned NOTHING (lie) and it was HARD. So, despite the fact that it kept replaying in my mind I IGNORED IT.
God has to continually tell his people to remember. In part because we are naturally forgetful, idolaters, and faithless. But also because remembering all the times God was faithful to us requires us to remember all the times we turned our backs on Him. All the times sin destroyed us and eroded our relationship with Him. All the times free will lead us farther from the arms of the Father. All the times brokenness prevented us from seeing His unfailing goodness. Remembering all the times He’s wooed and provided requires us to remember all the times grace had to to make up for our failures. When He reminds us to remember, he’s coaching us because He knows it’s hard.
Hard, kind of like the season I’m currently in. Being sick has afforded me the opportunity to have long stretches of time to think, be, and process. And then reprocess and reprocess. I look at the 5ish months I was on the race and smile with great gratitude at the friends I made, the love I felt, and the lessons I learned. And then I get to the coming home. I had so much hope put into going back. I BELIEVED and pushed so I could do it. And I didn’t get to and I was crushed. Remembering that hurts but remembering that shows me His goodness all the more. I had my hope in something happening, when I was crushed I realized hope is not in anything hope is Someone, Jesus. Hope can not be stored up, or waited for, or worked for. Hope is Jesus, it is Him prevailing, His plans surpassing the brokenness of the world, and Him coming again.
This season of coming home and staying home has been harder than anything I encountered on the race. Carrying your cross is much more complicated when you can’t keep your lunch down. Being a good neighbor is much harder when you don’t move from your bed. Living out what God has told you is much riskier when the brokenness and disease prevents you from what you know He wants. Following Jesus in the midst of sickness and plans changing is identity shaking and faith solidifying. Jesus never tells us what He asks of us will be worth it, He tells us that He is. So, we can not expect that all the scales will even out in our timeline.
So, now I am remembering what has happened, remaining focused on recovering, and looking forward to what’s ahead.
Health update: I kept it vague for the sake of appetites everywhere but I left the race because I threw up four times a day, and it was getting worse. The kicker was we had no idea why. When I got home we still couldn’t figure it out for a solid month and by the end I was throwing up close to 30 times a day. I was battling dehydration, malnutrition, and exhaustion. All the vomiting gave me a hiatal hernia, which I could have for life #FunStuff. I dare you to google that and not get abdominal pain. It’s now been three weeks since a major vomiting episode, but I still throw up a couple days a week. To give you a point of reference what makes your stomach SLIGHTLY more acidic or gives you heartburn because of my hernia I throw up. So dairy, fried food, citrus things. Now, I’m responding to medication but my body is still VERY much in recovery. My hair falls out, my skin is WEIRD, and I’m working on living life and not needing a six hour nap afterward.
Thanks for reading the blog! And feel free to message me questions.
-Soph
