I am finding that the Gospel carries different or fresh meanings in different seasons of life for me. Sure it always applies as the Good News of salvation in Christ but I believe there are deeper meanings that get revealed to us as we walk with God. Bear with me and I will explain.
I have been home from my stint with the amazing G squad for several weeks now. During that time, I have had the opportunity to be a part of the training camp for the squads that are launching in August, I have been hanging with my family, and have been trying to figure out what processing and resting looked like in the midst of those things.
I knew that the Lord would have me processing things but I did not realize that he would “wound my wounds” in order to bring healing to a very specific part of my heart.
In order to tell this story, I have to jump around the timeline a bit. About two weeks ago, I was in Atlanta to help my grandmother with some things at a house that she is preparing to sell. I made a quick trip to the gas station to grab a couple bottles of water and as I walked in the door… someone yelled my name and ran up to give me a hug. As I hugged this girl I realized that it was a friend that I had known since the 7th grade.
About three years ago I had come back in contact with this friend for a very short time and had been able to work on her car for free and have a deep conversation about what God had been doing in my life. It was a good conversation and I believe that it did bear some fruit in her life. I had not seen or talked to her since that conversation.
As she was talking to me in the gas station two weeks ago… she shared with me that she just needed to talk with someone who loved God and that there were some things going on in her life that were threatening her dreams, so we decided to meet for coffee the following day at Starbucks to chat and catch up. I knew that the Lord had some things for me to share with her but as I walked out of that gas station I was unsure of what that was.
The rest of the afternoon I thought and prayed about what it might be that the Lord wanted me to share with this girl. That is when HE spoke to me and said, “I want you to apologize to her for what you did to her the summer between your 8th and 9th grade year.” Immediately I knew what the Lord was telling me to apologize for.
At that age I was a broken kid… I won’t go into all of the factors that led to me be broken but…. out of that brokenness, I ended up having a physical encounter with this girl… after which, I immediately sent her home.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2 ESV
Had it not been for the renewing of my mind that Paul was talking about in Romans 12… coupled with fresh revelation from the Holy Spirit, I wouldn’t have been able to see what I had done to this girl so many years ago.
As I prayed about it more, I had this realization of the gravity of that encounter which I had with her so many years ago. I had the sobering realization that I had probably been a part of a core wounding… from which this girl had lived from for almost the last 15 years of her life. I had this realization that in my brokenness, I had taken from her, in her vulnerability what I had wanted and then had rejected her immediately after… as I sent her home.
My God, I realized that I had what I had non-verbally communicated to her… was that she was only valuable enough to be used for what I wanted and beyond that she was worthless. That was never in my head as a thing…. But that’s what my actions said.
In my ignorant youth, I had seen what looked like a mutual desire for physical “affection” instead of what it really was… I was a broken little boy whose mind was tainted by the ideas put there from early exposure to porn about what intimacy and relationship with a woman looked like. She was a broken little girl wanting to desperately be accepted and to be loved and validated by someone. This love and validation was something that I am not sure she got from either parent. My brokenness increased hers.
So Monday two weeks ago, we met at that Starbucks and for the first half hour I listened to everything she needed to get out. Things about toxic people and situations with which she was currently dealing with, financial struggle, struggle in her relationship with God…. all these external things that were weighing her down.
When she had been done sharing all of that for a minute. I looked at her and let her know that I had no clue what God wanted to do with all of those external things… but that I had prayed about our conversation and I felt so strongly that the Lord wanted to begin a work of deep and beautiful restoration of her heart.
“And I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26 ESV
I prefaced what I was about to say with a disclaimer about how this was not a way that I was making a pass at her or attempting to pursue her or anything funky like that.
The next moment was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I looked her in the eyes and told her that I was sorry for what I had done to her so long ago… she immediately began silently weeping as I went on.. I let her know that she was worth so much more than I had shown her so long ago and that she was still today, worth more than the men she has dealt with ever since have shown her.
She just wept.
I then asked for her forgiveness.. Through her tears she kind of laughed… let me know that she had held it over my head for a while but that she had forgiven me a long time ago. She then looked at me again and said, “Soloman, I forgive you.”
The grace was so beautiful. It was so undeserved.
The rest of our conversation centered on how she could keep her dreams of being a paid artist alive. How she could get away from the toxic people that were “bringing her down” and I also shared with her some techniques for doing deliverance and inner healing prayer herself. I asked her two of my favorite questions to ask people who feel victimized by all of their circumstances…. “Ok so… you are here now and the circumstances suck, but where are you going from here?” and “What does that look like practically?”
Over all the conversation ended well and I believe that God will use that to draw her near to Him and bring her some healing.
What I didn’t realize was how the Lord was going to use this conversation to bring me freedom and healing.
For days after this conversation I found myself really hurt that I had been the source of so much hurt in this girl’s life. On top of that He was bringing up other names of women that I had also hurt in the past. There was an amount of this hurt that was holy conviction but in the back of my mind there was also a dull nagging shame that was beginning to take hold.
I began to consider reaching out to the girls whose names were coming up in my mind….. “Lord do I need to message each one of them and apologize?”…. many of these girls are already married and I didn’t feel that it would be appropriate to reach out.
So I wrestled.
Last week, I was sharing all of this with my good friend Tammy over dinner. I also asked for her to speak into it with anything she felt the Lord putting on her heart… what she said might have blown my mind….
She told me that she felt as if… me sitting in front of one of these girls and asking for forgiveness was good enough. That she didn’t feel that the Lord wanted me to re-live each individual situation and apologize directly to the girls. Contrary to what I thought I might feel at that suggestion.. I had a lot of peace over what she said.
But….. She felt like there were a few things in there for me… She told me that she felt as if I needed to forgive myself…
She also told me that she felt like there had been a core lie in my own life…. that I had been agreeing with for a long time… the lie that I was unworthy of being loved by another person because of the depth of the brokenness I had been a part of in others lives.
I am still currently walking through forgiving myself for some of the things that I was a party to when I was younger. But the Lord is doing some good work in my heart.
My focus over the last 3 years has primarily been to learn what it means to know God, to be loved by God as a Father and as a Mother (El Shaddai), figuring out what it looks like for me to love Him and follow the lead of Jesus in all areas of my life, and to figure out how to bring His love to others…..
Never once did I consider that I was still hanging on to unforgiveness toward myself, and that my Father wanted to teach me to love myself. The truth is…. I am worthy of being loved by my Father… by others… and by myself. If I look at my worth in any other way, then I am devaluing Christ, the cross, and the resurrection. The Father paid a high price so that I could be swaddled in grace, loved, and known.
As I have asked the Lord and myself…. what the Gospel means to me in this season…. It is on my heart and in my soul that the Good News is a message of forgiveness, love from God, and healing to forgive and to love myself.
Praying that this post was not a trigger for anyone but that it actually brings some healing or awareness for someone else.
I am currently prepping to head back out with another Worldrace squad to serve as an alumni squad leader. I report back to Gainesville, GA on July 28th to do some training before the new squad shows up for launch. I am currently still fundraising and need to raise about $5500 in order to be fully funded for the next 5 month go around. If you would be interested in partnering with what the Lord is continuing to do in the lives of other world racers and in the 10-40 window… Hit the donate button at the top of the page, pray, or share this thing out.
Blessings
