I have always struggled with the fear of losing a loved one. Maybe that fear comes from my past having lost two sisters and my biological father. My family is my everything. I would literally do anything in order to protect them in any way I can. When I was younger, I used to pray that I would be the one to get sick or die rather than my siblings or my parents. Selfish? Absolutely. But, I can’t handle seeing them being sick or hurt. Ever since I have been on the World Race, the enemy has definitely been stealing my joy. I have these thoughts of what if something happens to my family while I am gone? What if this happens? What if that happens? I know in this cycle of life bad things happen. Whether or not I am with my family doesn’t change that cycle. But, being away from home does make this more difficult. I have been working on letting go of this fear for the past few months. One of the feedbacks I have gotten from my team was to choose to be joyful even during the hard times. I want to be joyful. I want to truly trust that God is in total control of everything. That includes, my family, my friends, all the people I have met on the race, and myself. I have seen God turn the most difficult situations into something beautiful before. So then why am I having a hard time trusting Him now? The answer is that I don’t know. Maybe because I am away from home and things seem to happen when I am not there. But, I do want to be joyful. I do want to trust God even when things aren’t going great. I want to trust Him during the good and bad times. I have been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel the world and serve the Lord and His people. It seems pointless to spend this time worrying in fear of the unknown. The reason I am writing about this isn’t for you to say nice words to me (go ahead if you feel led), but to bring it out into the light. I don’t want to live in fear. Yes, my family will get sick or already have gotten sick while I am gone. Yes, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that other than pray about it. But, does that mean God isn’t in control? No. It means I need to work on trusting Him at all times.
Insecurity is another thing I struggle with. Being on the race has made me be more aware of that. Maybe because I have been in an all girls team for the past four months or maybe it is because I keep comparing myself to all the other girls on the squad. The girls on my squad are some of the most loving, caring, selfless girls I have met. Earlier on the race I wrote a blog about how we need to embrace the individual God has made us to be. But, I keep going back to the same unhealthy thoughts in my head. Am I as beautiful as so and so? Am I as smart? Am I as strong? Am I as fun and likeable as her? Honestly, now that I am writing these words down it makes me feel sad to think how unpleasant these thoughts must be to the One that tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Why does it really matter what other people think of us? Are we called to live for people and be likeable? I don’t think so. As I am working on loving myself for who God has made me to be, I want to encourage you to do the same. Your outward appearance doesn’t matter when it comes to God’s kingdom. What matters is your heart. Do you love others the way you love yourself? Do you put other people’s needs before yourself? Do you celebrate your friend’s success? Do you encourage others daily when they are having a hard time and are feeling lost? If your answers are “No” to all the questions above, that’s okay. There is this beautiful thing called Grace!
Since I haven’t written a blog in a couple of weeks, let me give you a little update. I am in Bangkok, Thailand, right now for debrief with the squad. In a few days, my team will head to Chiang Rai to our ministry site. For our ministry this month, we will be working with an organization that teaches girls that have been rescued from sex trafficking self defense. I am not sure what my specific role will be, but I am excited to find out. Also, this is the last month I will be spending with my current team since there will be team changes at the end of the month. I am sad, but excited to get to know and work with other members of the squad.
