This is one of those blogs that I think, “Should I really
say what I’m going through or should I pretend that everything’s just fine?� I
suck at pretending so here’s the truth.
say what I’m going through or should I pretend that everything’s just fine?� I
suck at pretending so here’s the truth.
Thailand has been hard for me since our third weekend in
Cambodia. I woke up one night and couldn’t go back to sleep because I was
consumed by the fear of what this country would hold for me. I tried not to
think about it and just enjoy my last week in Cambodia but it was always in the
back of my mind. I’m not good with change. I find comfort in routine and I had
just gotten into a good routine that I really enjoyed in Cambodia.
Cambodia. I woke up one night and couldn’t go back to sleep because I was
consumed by the fear of what this country would hold for me. I tried not to
think about it and just enjoy my last week in Cambodia but it was always in the
back of my mind. I’m not good with change. I find comfort in routine and I had
just gotten into a good routine that I really enjoyed in Cambodia.
I tried to give my fear to God but I couldn’t let it go. A
reoccurring theme that has come up for me on this trip is fear. As I was giving
my testimony to my team my first week in Cambodia I must have talked about fear
and it’s stronghold in my life 10 times. I jokingly called myself “Sinamon the
Fearful�. What I didn’t realize at that time was that I had been and was
continuing to speak death into my own life. I was giving my fear to God but I
was continuing to curse my life by labeling myself with the term, “FEARFUL�.
reoccurring theme that has come up for me on this trip is fear. As I was giving
my testimony to my team my first week in Cambodia I must have talked about fear
and it’s stronghold in my life 10 times. I jokingly called myself “Sinamon the
Fearful�. What I didn’t realize at that time was that I had been and was
continuing to speak death into my own life. I was giving my fear to God but I
was continuing to curse my life by labeling myself with the term, “FEARFUL�.
I began working on speaking life and not death into my life
in Cambodia. It was something my team knew I struggled with….along with a
million other things. The great thing about going on a trip like this is you
literally have group therapy every day. As we were preparing for Thailand one
of my teammates, Jenny, kept telling me, “I hope you’re ready. God is going to
rock your world in Thailand.� I had no clue what that meant but I knew I wasn’t
ready.
in Cambodia. It was something my team knew I struggled with….along with a
million other things. The great thing about going on a trip like this is you
literally have group therapy every day. As we were preparing for Thailand one
of my teammates, Jenny, kept telling me, “I hope you’re ready. God is going to
rock your world in Thailand.� I had no clue what that meant but I knew I wasn’t
ready.
Traveling to Cambodia to Thailand was a pretty hectic and emotionally
exhausting experience in itself. We got to the airport in Cambodia at 6:30pm
our flight boarded at 9:30pm we got to Singapore at 11:30pm and we slept on the
floor of the airport until 7am when we had to board our flight to Phuket. This
was my first experience sleeping on the floor of an airport and I’d be
completely happy if I NEVER had to do that again. When we got to Phuket it took
us an hour to locate our luggage which was still in Singapore. This was my
first experience with lost luggage and I once again hope it’s my last.
exhausting experience in itself. We got to the airport in Cambodia at 6:30pm
our flight boarded at 9:30pm we got to Singapore at 11:30pm and we slept on the
floor of the airport until 7am when we had to board our flight to Phuket. This
was my first experience sleeping on the floor of an airport and I’d be
completely happy if I NEVER had to do that again. When we got to Phuket it took
us an hour to locate our luggage which was still in Singapore. This was my
first experience with lost luggage and I once again hope it’s my last.
Our first day in Thailand we got to the SHE house, ate lunch
and then found our rooms. I laid down on the bed and cried. The fear that the
Devil was using inside of me had became so heavy that I was paralyzed by it. I
literally couldn’t function. My team leader came over to my bunk to ask if I
was okay. I told her that I was scared
that I knew God was going to work in my life and I was scared of what that was
going to look like. Judging from past experiences whenever God has worked in my
life it’s always been a painful experience. I was scared of the Lord. She asked
me if I ever thought about God as my loving, Heavenly Father who wants what’s
best for me and will show me/teach me that in a loving way. He doesn’t want to
hurt me. And honestly I can say I have a
hard time seeing God as a loving father who wants what’s best for me.
and then found our rooms. I laid down on the bed and cried. The fear that the
Devil was using inside of me had became so heavy that I was paralyzed by it. I
literally couldn’t function. My team leader came over to my bunk to ask if I
was okay. I told her that I was scared
that I knew God was going to work in my life and I was scared of what that was
going to look like. Judging from past experiences whenever God has worked in my
life it’s always been a painful experience. I was scared of the Lord. She asked
me if I ever thought about God as my loving, Heavenly Father who wants what’s
best for me and will show me/teach me that in a loving way. He doesn’t want to
hurt me. And honestly I can say I have a
hard time seeing God as a loving father who wants what’s best for me.
The next morning during feedback I was talking about what I
was going through with my team. How God was forcing me to deal with “My Stuff�
and how I was tired of holding on to it and not giving it completely to Him. I
was crying and I just kept saying, “I want to be better, I just want to be
better.� I was asked what “better�
looked like. Someone who’s not scared,
or afraid of change, or just getting through each day. I want to be changed. I
want to be broken. I want to be
different and nothing like I am now.
was going through with my team. How God was forcing me to deal with “My Stuff�
and how I was tired of holding on to it and not giving it completely to Him. I
was crying and I just kept saying, “I want to be better, I just want to be
better.� I was asked what “better�
looked like. Someone who’s not scared,
or afraid of change, or just getting through each day. I want to be changed. I
want to be broken. I want to be
different and nothing like I am now.
I began making small changes. The morning is the hardest
time. It’s easy for the Devil to creep into my mind with negative thoughts or
feelings. The first few days I was waking up and wishing I was back home. I
would get on the internet and check my email and facebook trying to catch up on
everything I was missing out on. I
decided that this was only making things worse. So I began waking up on the
ready. My first waking thoughts are now
words of life. I read my devotional then a chapter out of my Bible. I have
memory verses taped to the wall next to my bed that I wake up to.
time. It’s easy for the Devil to creep into my mind with negative thoughts or
feelings. The first few days I was waking up and wishing I was back home. I
would get on the internet and check my email and facebook trying to catch up on
everything I was missing out on. I
decided that this was only making things worse. So I began waking up on the
ready. My first waking thoughts are now
words of life. I read my devotional then a chapter out of my Bible. I have
memory verses taped to the wall next to my bed that I wake up to.
One of the most encouraging things that has happened this
past week was when my squad leader and I went to lunch to meet a girl from the
night before. We ended up spending the afternoon together and at one point she
told me that she’s seen a complete change in me in just the past week. My
attitude, my actions and my behavior… she could see Christ working in me. She
wanted to encourage me to continue seeking that change.
past week was when my squad leader and I went to lunch to meet a girl from the
night before. We ended up spending the afternoon together and at one point she
told me that she’s seen a complete change in me in just the past week. My
attitude, my actions and my behavior… she could see Christ working in me. She
wanted to encourage me to continue seeking that change.
That afternoon Jenny and I were talking at dinner. She
started talking with me about giving up the internet. She felt like the Devil
was using that to distract me from the work God wanted to do inside of me. At
first I was defensive (sign number one that the internet was a problem). I
tried to tell her I wasn’t even on that much. It wasn’t interfering with my
morning devotional or my sleep schedule or anything else. I was comparing
myself to others and pointing out how they were on the internet way more than I
was. Giving up the internet was the worst thing that could happen to me at this
point and I wasn’t ready to do it.
started talking with me about giving up the internet. She felt like the Devil
was using that to distract me from the work God wanted to do inside of me. At
first I was defensive (sign number one that the internet was a problem). I
tried to tell her I wasn’t even on that much. It wasn’t interfering with my
morning devotional or my sleep schedule or anything else. I was comparing
myself to others and pointing out how they were on the internet way more than I
was. Giving up the internet was the worst thing that could happen to me at this
point and I wasn’t ready to do it.
One of the big things I liked/miss about Cambodia is there
was always something to distract me from being with me. Whether it was being in
the city and going out with a teammate to explore, or watching TV in our room,
or going downstairs to the lobby to get on the internet when mine wasn’t working.
I always had things to keep me busy. In my mind those distractions where good
because they kept me from focusing on “my stuff.� There aren’t as many things here in Thailand
because we’re in a more rural area and transportation isn’t as easy. I can’t go
anywhere else to get on the internet. I can’t escape my team. I can’t escape
myself. But God doesn’t want me to escape.
He wants me to deal with my stuff which is scary.
was always something to distract me from being with me. Whether it was being in
the city and going out with a teammate to explore, or watching TV in our room,
or going downstairs to the lobby to get on the internet when mine wasn’t working.
I always had things to keep me busy. In my mind those distractions where good
because they kept me from focusing on “my stuff.� There aren’t as many things here in Thailand
because we’re in a more rural area and transportation isn’t as easy. I can’t go
anywhere else to get on the internet. I can’t escape my team. I can’t escape
myself. But God doesn’t want me to escape.
He wants me to deal with my stuff which is scary.
After Jenny and I talked I began to pray that if the Lord
wanted me to give up the internet He’d give me the strength to do it. That night during worship I felt like the
Lord was saying to be…. “You said you wanted to get better but why are you not
willing to do what it takes to get there?� To which I replied, “Touché, God.�
wanted me to give up the internet He’d give me the strength to do it. That night during worship I felt like the
Lord was saying to be…. “You said you wanted to get better but why are you not
willing to do what it takes to get there?� To which I replied, “Touché, God.�
So I’ve decided to
not just give up the internet but to give up my computer completely Monday-
Saturday for the next two weeks. Sundays are our free days to just hang out and
catch up on life so I’m going to allow myself to skype, upload pictures, watch
movies and respond to emails on that day. I know it’s not going to be easy but
it’s definitely going to be worth it. I look forward to the change that will
come during this time.
not just give up the internet but to give up my computer completely Monday-
Saturday for the next two weeks. Sundays are our free days to just hang out and
catch up on life so I’m going to allow myself to skype, upload pictures, watch
movies and respond to emails on that day. I know it’s not going to be easy but
it’s definitely going to be worth it. I look forward to the change that will
come during this time.
I felt like this blog needed a picture so here’s one from the past weekend on Phi Phi Island.
