*** This blog may cause some righteous anger in you. Please realize that righteous anger is of God and it is good. However, the enemy often twists righteous anger into fear and the blame game. Please do not give in to the sin of speaking words of fear over me or the organization I work with. This blog is a wake up call. It is real and raw and it is a warning to Christians to stop sleeping and wake up to fight.
There is no victory at the end of this blog, but that doesn’t mean the victory is nonexistent. There is victory in Christ. He has won the battle against darkness already I am simply just still fighting.
The experience we had in Sri Lanka was unjust and unfair and dark. But it is important to remember God had allowed my team to be attacked and so we do not need to fear. We were in His arms the entire way..
I didn’t want to post about what I went through because I wanted to protect AIM. Please know before reading this that although AIM is not a perfect organization because we live in a broken world, AIM’s heart is to mirror Christ as much as they can. They give us free will within parameters that will guide us to thrive (similar to the Law and Free Will). I fully trust this organization and NOTHING that happened is their fault. They offered to move us to another country if we wanted and we declined. They have also heard our story and have been open to feedback and will be taking safety precautions for the next group that brings The Kingdom to the dark country of Sri Lanka.
Here is what happened…
I was excited to hear that my route had changed and I would be going to pioneer a new country for AIM. I got to be the person making contacts for future racers! I didn’t know anything about Sri Lanka other than it was similar to India. I went in excited and ready for big miracles.
My team and I did not find anyone in the 8% Christian population to do ministry with.
In pursuit of finding ministry we were groped and taunted by men on busses and trains. We could not communicate with the women (they are uneducated and haven’t been taught English) so we had no choice but to speak to the men. Often times they would make sexual comments or offer to “take us home” or they would give us wrong information and we would get lost.
When we would get lost in the country and run out of money to get home, we would seek help from the workers at the train or bus stations who were often drunk and would again make sexual comments about us and laugh when we told them to stop and help us.
There was a day when a strange man tried to “help” us get a ride home and he called a van with tinted windows. When we said “no” the van followed us around for 15 mins and I was preparing myself to fight men off of my teammates.
There was not a day that went by where my team and I felt safe.
We got out of the local places and went to where it was more touristy. We stayed at a place where we unknowingly accepted a deal from a hostel owner who was losing money off of us but was expecting us to pay him back in participating in debauchary with him and his friends. When we declined he got very angry and we had to evacuate.
And when we finally found refuge at a hostel with another team, two of my teammates fell 6 feet off a cliff onto rock and would have drowned in the tidal wave that swept over their banged up bodies, had God not intervened. They have some pretty bad scrapes and bruises but they walked away.
I don’t know how to explain Sri Lanka other than I lost myself. I tried so hard to take care of my team and piece us back together after the things that were done to us. In doing so I forgot how to have desires and hurts. My attention was on protecting everyone else’s bodies and feelings and I was on high alert 100% of the time. I was trying to heal my team with love, but I was too wounded and too weak.
The only thing that would have fixed us would have been to pray and worship together, but when I would try to pray last month I was distracted by what my teammates were worried with. When I tried to read my Bible I couldn’t comprehend things because again I was distracted. Trying to worship and pray together in such disunity and high stress felt like trying to find the surface when you’re drowning in a furious wave that flips you around and you can’t see which way is up.
We were attacked physically first. And as a result from the physical, we were attacked emotionally. And as a result from the emotions we were attacked spiritually. And when we found refuge and thought it was over, we were attacked physically again AND the whole cycle started over.
I have done a lot of reflection on last month and I honestly have no silver lining or optimism about it. Many of my friendships with my teammates need repair even though we were never mean to each other. Many of our bodies are still healing and scarred, and numerous emotional triggers are needing to be sorted out.
The experience we had in Sri Lanka was unjust and unfair and dark. But it is important to remember God had allowed my team to be attacked and so we do not need to fear. We were in His arms the entire way. Jesus was persecuted and He is Christ! Why wouldn’t I also be persecuted?
The point of this blog isn’t to sound hopeless or sorry for myself, but to remind Christians that we are in a spiritual war everyday. And especially when you step into uncharted territory (literally and figuratively). Pray the armor of God on yourself (Ephesians 6) and seek the Lord! Spiritual warfare is real and although we should not fear it, we should not be oblivious and let it take who we are!
I am fighting to find myself again and God has given me the tools and people I need to discover goofy, happy, bubbly, crazy, Sierra. But for now I am a little more serious, a little less wild, and a little more hesitant. That’s okay because God will meet me where I am and restore. I just need to be constant in prayer, slow to anger, and quick to fight for justice.
God will turn this pain into endurance and He will strengthen who I am.
