Whether it’s our teeth, nose, hair, skin, curves, lack of curves, etc. body image is a huge hurt that most women deal with on the daily.
My struggle has always been my weight. Since childhood my mind has been radically consumed in self consciousness that I am “too big” or “too thick”. My body bulks up very quickly and before signing up for the Race I was a slave to food and the gym. Despite my day to day revolving around weightloss, I kept getting bigger.
AIM warns Racers at sign up that women tend to gain weight and men tend to lose it on the field. That terrified me!
I searched for blogs that talked about the weight issue on the field, but I only found one and it was a message on inner beauty. It was a powerful message, however, messages about inner beauty don’t resonate with me.
Last week I wrote a blog about my beauty experience on the Race. I have found that speaking up about this issue is very difficult because it is an extremely sensitive subject. I will admit I was and still am weary to write about my body image journey on the World Race in fear of offending or upsetting anyone, or that my writing may not bear any fruit. But God is showing me that because this issue IS so sensitive, we need to talk about it more.
That being said, please guard your heart reading this. I’m sharing my story in hopes that it speaks to someone who is going through the hardships I did/still am. I want them to know they aren’t alone.
My words may not resonate with you or may touch on something in your heart that’s painful. Please don’t let amything that I write or anyone else writes, confuse you or belittle anything you have overcome. You are God’s child and He is the Healer, not me, not a pastor, nor a counselor.
Please read the rest of this knowing how much time I, and therefore my team, have prayed and pressed into this. I cannot make my words any less high risk and still share my story.
I have had a physical blessing that I did not think was possible for my body. This blessing has resulted in me being able to FREELY break bread, rest, fellowship, and minster with the body of Christ all around the world.
For the first time in my life I no longer worry/stress/cry about what I eat or how hard I workout. Right now I don’t live to “prevent weight gain”. It’s now fun to eat ice cream and weird foreign foods and occasionally take a week off of running, guilt free.
I wrote a blog to share my joy and testimony with my subscribers, but I also wanted to address any future racer who knows the weight gain struggle and is as stressed about what she is signing her body up for (and therein, her mind and spirit, up for).
I wanted to say to her- yes, the way racers nourish and work our bodies on the field is out of our control. Yes, some women on the race gain weight and it is HARD and it is UNFAIR. Just like my life back home, no matter how much prevention we take, it can still happen.
But I also wanted to relieve the inevidable fear that I had in signing up. My fear of gaining weight not only didn’t happen, but I’ve been able to lose instead of just maintaining.
My previous blog was not meant to be read as, “because my circumstances have changed, I’m happy”.
My message was that God is NOT sitting up in heaven going, “why are you complaining? You’re supposed to be worshiping me. I made you healthy; I even made you pretty. And you’re not overweight; you are so ungrateful,” like I thought He was.
God is one with my spirit, mind, AND body. This means he felt how uncomfortable I was when I couldn’t control my weight gain. He shared the sadness, loneliness, and the self consciousness I felt stupid for having.
God is so faithful. Even though I will die, and eventually no one will even remember what I looked like, God cares so much about me and the things that are important to me i.e. my body.
Inner beauty messages don’t resonate with me because I need to hear that God is so much bigger than just caring about me having a beautiful heart. I need to hear that God wants me to have a beautiful body too. (Beautiful through my eyes.)
You can read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 or you can read the words of my amazing teammate, “there are times when you are happy with your body and there are times when you aren’t. That’s life. God loves your a** no matter what size it is.”
I had a four year season of battling the scale. I know that I will have that battle again. I also know that there will be days at this size where I don’t love what I see in the mirror.
When I face those times I will press my pain into the Lord knowing that He is also carrying The burden I feel. But right now I am entering a season of rest and I have peace. Praise God. I am going to TURN UP and celebrate with Jesus and the people he has put in my life.
