Warning: My testimony is lengthy and may be difficult to read..but I encourage you to read it and share in my story.
Everyone has a story to tell, we all have a testimony. Some are light and cheerful while others, like my own, are dark and difficult to tell. I used to be afraid that if people were to hear my story they would begin to fear me. But now I realize that God can use my life story to help others who have struggled in similar ways or who need to see that God moves radically in the lives of people who are lost in despair. This is my story..who I was, who I am now, and who God is shaping me into.
Trapped In a Cycle
I had heard many stories of children getting abused by their family members but it never struck me that I could be one of those children. Nobody can really process why they were abused or what they did to deserve that treatment, it’s awful to experience and painful to reflect on. There are no words to describe how greatly I hated myself for not being capable to defend myself or change the past. The once outgoing and carefree child was forced to grow up too quickly.
The cycle of abuse began when I was ten years old; my family and I would visit my grandparents in northern Michigan. While they were outside enjoying nature I was inside getting abused by my uncle. I couldn’t go anywhere without him watching or calling me names. He made me feel like I was the person committing the crime and that I was the one triggering his emotions; in reality, it was him who couldn’t face the fact that he was hurting his niece, an innocent girl.
It terrifies me to see him and look into the eyes of the man that destroyed my childhood innocence. It terrifies me to be in his presence. But what terrified me even more was the fact that if I couldn’t forgive him of his wrongdoings than I would be held victim to him forever and I would be trapped in the events of the past. I can’t say that I let go of all of the pain because abuse cannot be undone, but I have let go of all the hate I felt toward him and toward myself. He is a child of God just as much as I am and he’s deserving of forgiveness. I pray everyday that He will accept not only my forgiveness but that of the heavenly Father’s too.
I wish I could say that my testimony was near being finished but that’s not the case. My testimony is only just beginning.
Facing Demons
Due to work stress my dad developed severe depression and would hide away in his room with a blanket over his head. As a child I thought that it was normal for the father to work from home and to be too busy to play with his kids. After seeing my friends with their fathers I was saddened by the fact that my own father didn’t play catch with me, or laugh while watching a silly movie, etc. My mom distracted herself with work and when she got home her attention was on what needed to be done in the house. I felt alone, like I had no one to talk to about my struggles, I just needed someone to comfort me.
After some time a dark presence surrounded me and my family. We all began to experience Satan breaking us down, putting fear into our minds, and tearing us apart. On more than one occasion he would tempt me into drawing strength from him and not on God. I didn’t recognize that it was evil surrounding me at the time I just thought that I was somehow making it through each day without completely breaking.
Shortly after we moved to Kalamazoo my parents began fighting…a lot. My family was shattered. It was difficult to watch my parents argue, hit their palms against the table out of anger, slam the door behind them as they went out to “talk.” For me it was even more difficult to watch my siblings break apart as a whole and each individually. As I would tuck them into bed each night I would wipe away their tears, kiss them each on the forehead, and assure them that everything was going to be alright. I would listen to the cries of hurt and innocent children while I sat on the stairs praying that God would make it stop, that He would heal my family, that He would take away all of the pain. But day after day it continued until my parents were separated. How was this an answer to my prayers? I asked for healing and now they were split apart. We could only see my dad a few days a week and on those days he was angry, or crying, or saying hurtful things to us. This wasn’t an answer to prayer, how could it be?
I needed a person I could talk to and that I could trust, but my parents were not the people I could turn to for help, my best friend avoided talking to me because she couldn’t handle my family’s issues, there wasn’t a youth leader or anybody at church I could talk to, and I felt like God didn’t listen to my prayers and cries for help so I stopped talking to Him altogether. I was abandoned and forgotten..stuck in a darkness where there was no hope in sight. I convinced myself that death would be better than staying here; if I died my parents would get back together because they would have to lend support to each other to get through the loss of a child. I thought I would be doing my family a favor by killing myself when in reality I would be doing them damage.
God tested my faith in Him in so many ways that year. He allowed my parents to be separated, He allowed my uncle to continue abusing me, and now He allowed my childhood friend to pass away.
Goodbyes Are Never Easy
There she was a little girl in the driveway pretending to be a veterinarian and asking me to hand her the tools to make the doggy feel better. Eating popsicles on the front porch and talking about how excited she was to start school in the fall. Singing in choir together and celebrating accomplishments with pizza parties. And now she was gone. The only thing left of her was our memories and pictures. It wasn’t fair that she had to die in a fatal car accident, she was one of the kindest, most pure-hearted people I had ever met. When the world needed a person like Katie the most she was taken away.
What kind of friend was I to leave our friendship melting like the popsicles in the summer heat on the porch that day?? I wasn’t there to celebrate her accomplishments with her. I wasn’t there to cheer her on from the sidelines. I wasn’t there for her as she lay on the bed unconscious and dying. I thought of myself as a horrible person and that such a person as myself didn’t deserve to live the life that Katie deserved to live. I convinced myself that I should’ve been the one in her place; She deserved life, I didn’t.
That same summer I lost another childhood friend..but this time to suicide. By now I felt like a complete failure. I wasn’t there to support or help either of these girls when they may have needed me the most. As I sat through Renee’s funeral I couldn’t help but think that if I went through with my plan this funeral could have been mine. Kneeling down beside her casket during the visitation hours all I could see was the little girl who ran around the zoo with me, eating McFlurries, and spraying sparkly bodyspray on ourselves so that we could be beautiful. I had no idea that she was hurting inside; I knew she had a difficult life but she was always so joyful.
Hugging her mom and her brothers and offering them my condolences was heartbreaking. However, when I walked out of the church after her funeral my viewpoint of life had completely changed. After seeing her family in so much pain and hearing that her little brother would sit on her bed and just cry broke my heart and made me realize that it would do the same to my family if I committed suicide too. I knew that I couldn’t follow through with my plan anymore but I had to get help.
Another Trial, Another Day
In the fall of 2016 I transferred to a private Catholic school. It was my safe-haven from my life at home. I dreaded hearing the bell ring at the end of the day because I knew what I would be going home to and that place I called home brought me immense pain. In addition to my parents fighting and me stepping up as a parental figure I also had to focus on academics. I also found out that one of my siblings was diagnosed with several mental illnesses in which she had to go to clinics to seek help. Furthermore, I began having anxiety attacks and eventually ended up in the hospital due to a protruded xiphoid that resulted in me missing two weeks of school and having to sit out of any physical activities for a solid month. Talk about trials..God was playing whack-a-mole with me and man He’s a pro at that game because I was getting hit a lot.
In the midst of all of that I heard God talk to me in a dream asking me to surrender to Him and to trust Him with all of the burden I had been carrying for so long. The dream was so vivid that it almost felt real, and in a sense it was. The hand of God reached down for me when I was at my lowest and He held onto my hand and helped me stand back up. I knew then that I needed to begin stabilizing myself and let myself be open to God.
Breakthrough
My senior year of high school I decided to be homeschooled and take a few classes at the community college. During my first few semesters at KVCC I talked to another dual-enrolled high school student about my religious beliefs. While I was pretty set in my ways I felt the Lord tugging at me and encouraging me to ask more questions and seek more answers. So that’s what I began doing. I attended a Christian youth group with my fellow classmate and he introduced me to several people who could help answer some of my questions. Might I add that being a Catholic in a room full of Christians raising their hands and dancing to the worship music was a very strange and somewhat uncomfortable experience for me. I just stood in a crowd watching everyone like what the heck is happening?? I eventually got comfortable enough to be one of those hand-raising dancing Christians too though haha.
Since the day I stepped foot inside of Radiant I have been radically changed. In the past, even though I would go through the routines of praying and worshiping at youth group, I felt the same dark presence surrounding me that had haunted me for years. Eventually, I recognized the source I was drawing strength from was disguised as something good when in reality it was bad. At that point in my life drawing strength from that source was a habit and it was extremely difficult to break. Repeatedly, I would submit myself to regain this strength until I felt numb and until any presence of evil was funny to me. To my friends and on social media I would joke about surrendering to my demons while in reality I was doing just that.
Then Pastor Zach, the youth pastor at Radiant, talked to me about some of the struggles I was facing and he told me that a breakthrough was coming. Breakthrough. A word I’d never used before or even thought about..but it was coming after me and it was going to break my chains and set me free. Weeks later, I talked to a couple of prayer leaders about this darkness that had been following me and how I wanted to draw my strength from God but it felt impossible when there was a barrier in the way. They prayed over me and helped me pray the prayer of Salvation and it was like the chains broke instantly. I just stood there sobbing with my arms outstretched asking God for His mercy and for His redemption. It was in that moment that I knew God is a merciful Father. He does answer prayers but sometimes not in the ways we expect Him to. He is stronger than any darkness and only through Him will our chains be broken and our souls set free.
This summer I will get the opportunity to declare Jesus as my Savior at Radiant. My journey is just beginning and I could never be more excited! I cannot wait to share my faith with the people of Central America this fall and grow stronger in my faith as well.
