There is a huge downfall to living in a Christian environment and receiving encouragement all the time. It’s called the self-righteous syndrome.
After being told so often that we are worthy we start to believe it.
“You’re right, I am a good person! In fact I think I might be better then most.”
And this thought is confirmed again and again as those around me continue to tell me how good I’m doing, or how much God is moving in my life, or how awesome my calling is that I start to see myself as this great person. Worthy of this praise and forget that I am a sinner. And that I still have a pile of crap that I’m standing on claiming to be perfect and with no struggles. And the sad part is I have come to believe that lie.
I’m perfect. I’ve got this Christian living down. I don’t need to work on things so I’m going to “help” other people figure their stuff out. When all I am really doing is pointing a finger and judging that person in all the places they aren’t living up to this impossible standard of perfection I have created for them. And then I have the right to be frustrated with them for failing to measure up. Failing to reach the place of completion that I have obviously reached. How arrogant.
This lie is so easily overlooked. It’s so easy to live with it and never know it’s there. Until all of the sudden no one can do anything right and I am the only person that seems to know what to do. I am the only person that seems to have it all together and I am frustrated with everyone.
Obvious to any one on the out side is that I am in fact the one with the problem. I am the one who struggles to love people where they are. I am the one holding these ridiculous standards over people and trying to “fix” them. I am the one who is trying to be the judge. I am the one withholding mercy. And in doing so, I am saying “I know how do be more loving than you” or whatever you want to substitute for love. And that is a blatant lie!
How did I get here?? I allowed the fame of being a “good person” get to me. I allowed myself to take the glory that actually belongs to God.
I am a sinner.
I am dirty.
I have struggles! And I will never come to the day when I can say, “Oh awesome, that was the last struggle I had to uncover! Now I can focus on the little things.”
NO!!
I am a sinner!
I will never be perfect!!
I will always have more crap to uncover. Always!
And I will never be better than anyone else.
I can’t emphasis this enough. I will never be better than anyone else. Never. No matter where they are in life.
I will never be this person that has it all figured out. If I ever get to that place, then I don’t need God. I don’t want to be there!! I want to rely on God every day of my life!
My team leader told me something that I am beginning to understand more and more. If he had to be a wretched sinner for the rest of his days and have people look down on him, but have to rely on the mercy of the Lord every day then he would rather do that then spend his life being seen as this good person to be praised.
I don’t want to be praised. I don’t want to be seen as better then anyone else. Because I’m not. I am a sinner. I am a person who struggles. I am a mess. And it’s beautiful because in this place I can see my filth and I can feel my Father’s love.
“Your love is more important to me than your calling. Love me first.”
I’m sorry for focusing on my calling. I’m sorry for focusing on what you have given me and forgetting about you. Lord, help me to remember my place. I want to love you first.
