So i mail ordered a husband from God. Since i was about 14 years old i have been planning for my husband. Writing him letters, saving him pictures, praying for him and talking to God about him all the time. I have come to the conclusion that i have desired him more then i have God. Instead of seeking a relationship with God purely out of a desire for him there has always been a thought that when i was “ready” and in a place of maturity with God that He would let me have a husband. That would be my reward if you will. And that is such a lie. But its a lie that more then just I believe. As i have come to find out, there are many women out there that have this mentality. “Someday i will get to this place where God will say ‘You are ready! Here you go’”. And thats not how it is at all. I should be seeking Him whole heatedly. Yes it is a desire of my heart to one day have a husband and i believe that God will honor that. But he doesn’t have to. I may be called to a life of singleness. But either way i should devote my time with God to fully Him and only Him. Pursue Him like my only husband, as if i were never to get a husband. Passionately and whole heartedly pursue Jesus as my Beloved and husband as if there were no other. This is a new concept to me. Because i have been devoted to finding “my man” for over 5 years now. So much so that i have thought on several different occasions, “this is the man i am going to marry!” and i start to spin wild fantasies in my head. Instead of focusing on men as my brothers and who they are in Christ, i have always had this stupid girl reflex of “is this my husband?” somewhere in the background.
When i was in the Dominican Republic God really spoke to me and told me that i needed to stop creating all of these fake scenarios in my head and focus on the now. Nothing past what was happening right in front of me. If i forced myself to focus on the man right in front of me and nothing else i could finally see what God was doing in his life. Not what our life would look like, or how he would be the best father or the best husband ever.
Stop. Come away with me. You are mine. I want you all to my self. Let me be your secret keeper. Tell me about all of this, instead of going to your friends and encouraging further fantasy. I want you to be completely mine. I’m jealous for your heart and your affections.
As God whispered these things into my heart, i began to slowly change. I began to trust that if whoever God wanted me to marry, He would bring him to me in His perfect time. That he would pursue me. Not the other way around. So all i have to do is trust God. That His timing is perfect. His plan is flawless. He loves me. He wants all of me. And He is waiting with arms open for me to take the offer and fully embrace Him. Allowing myself to be fully enveloped in His loving arms. He is waiting for me, just as He is waiting for you. I am still learning how to let Jesus love and romance me. He is patiently teaching me. It may be new and uncomfortable at times, but He is always patient and kind. And He loves me. Thats all that i care about.
