“See ya later” has never really something that comes “easily” for me. I mean, I know most everyone struggles with saying goodbye or see ya later, but for me it’s always been kind of weird. As I told my girlfriends a couple weeks ago, I have a tendency to pull away rather than lean in and experience the emotions associated with farewells. Just a few days ago I had to say farewell to my family and friends. It was particularly difficult, mentally and emotionally, to leave one of my best friends. I was so torn at my send-off party. I wanted to cry and all that, but it didn’t happen. Like, the emotions and words were there, but the physical manifestation just didn’t happen. I’m usually not a crier, but for some odd reason I really wanted to poke out my lips and let the tears flow. Nothing.
A few minutes ago my squad mates and I found out that our dear Johnna, one of our squad leaders, would no longer be leading us. God decided to bring some things up in her and begin to deal with them so she has decided to stay behind and allow Him to work some things out in her. I commend her because with India just 1 day and a wake-up away I probably would have been like, “Really God?! Can we not handle this while I’m out with the squad? I mean really. Surely I can lead and you work on me at the same time!” Did she fight it? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I truly appreciate her willful obedience and transparency with us. Please be praying for her as God takes her on this unexpected journey. Please be praying for our other squad leader, Kent, that he will walk in courage and confidence as God has shaped him for such a time as this. Please be praying for my squad mates as we walk through yet another grieving process. Today was also the day the several of them had to say final goodbyes to their parents. And, during training camp we lost 2 squad mates for other spiritual and physical reasons. There’s a lot that’s happened in, to, and through my awesome squad since we individually said “YES” to God’s call to the World Race. Yet we continue to push forward rather than allow ourselves to be pulled back.
This afternoon I cried. As Johnna started her time of sharing with “I have something I need to talk with you about” I knew it wasn’t going to feel good so I began to shake my head. She continued sharing and the tears welled up in my eyes. I fought them back as long and hard as I could, but still they fell. “Why are they falling now, God?” I quickly wiped them away and tried to regain my composure. I did to an extent but once I opened to share a piece of my heart with her the tears began to fall again. I think that is something I am going to have to get used to, something I’ll grow to accept as I continue this journey for the next 11 months, and into life beyond. As I type this I am reminded of Jesus’ promise to us: “Truly, truly, I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will be turned into joy” (John 16:20).
So as you walk whatever your journey may be, know that it’s okay to cry, that it’s okay not to cry, and that all you experience is for a reason. Trust God’s process. Trust that He loves you unconditionally. Trust that even when the path you’re on takes an unexpected turn, He is right there with you. Just throw up your hand and with a smile on your face say, “See ya later” to the person you used to be, to the things that have hindered you from being the person God created you to be. Then happily cry out, “HELLO NEW LEVEL!”
*Johnna, I love you dearly and I cannot thank you enough for the hours you spent praying for me, diving into the Word to share God’s heart with me, and walking those 2 miles out of pride and into humility and victory with me! You are a true gem and I will be forever grateful for you.
