*I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I couldn’t figure out how to compress it and still get all its depth.*
Proverbs 11:2 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”
The hike began just a couple minutes ago and I was feeling pretty good. I knew I wasn’t walking as fast as I could, but I wasn’t going too slow either. I was going at a pretty good pace and Kent, my squad leader, was right there with me asking me about what my life looked like prior to training camp. But then I looked up and we were at the half mile mark already. I looked down at my little travel alarm clock to see how much time had passed… 10 minutes. I thought, “Shoot! I need to focus! That’s entirely too long. I only have 40 minutes to go 2 miles with all this gear on my back. I gotta step it up a bit!” Kent read my mind and tried to encourage me by saying, “You’re doing good, Shonda. Just keep going. You’ll be fine. You got this!” He then went on to tell me about why he thought I would be a great asset to the squad. It all sounded great, but, honestly, I wasn’t really trying to hear all that at the moment. It was go time and I needed to make it happen, just like I’d done at home. Pride.
The 2 miles weren’t really that long or hard, but the enemy was all up in my head trying to distract me. Kent had went on to talk with someone else, people that started after me had passed me by, my mouth was dry and unquenchable, my forehead was sweating bullets, and all I could think about was that I HAD to make the time because I refused to be sent home over a simple physical requirement! And then it happened. I completed the hike… but I went over by 2 minutes. I thought, “What the heck?!! How is this possible? I should’ve listened to myself when I thought about jogging those other 2 times! Crap! All these people have been pouring into me spiritually, mentally, and financially and I just let them down.” But the first thing to pop out of my mouth as soon as I crossed the finish line was, “Kent, can I do it again? Will they let me do it again?” He said, “Shonda, you’ll be fine. I don’t think you’ll have to do it again. I’ll vouch for you. I’ll tell them I was distracting you by talking to you. Don’t worry about it.” But I did worry about it. I sat there in the grass waiting for the rest of my squad mates and beat myself up. I kept thinking about all the people I had let down. I wondered what I’d do if they sent me home. How would I explain to people that the thousands of dollars they’d sown into me would not be used by me at all? I felt totally defeated and couldn’t pull myself out of the funk. Pride.
Three days later Ashley, my squad mentor, pulled me aside and said, “I heard that after the hike you asked about redoing it.” Nervous and wondering where this was going I replied, “Yes, I did.” She then asked, “Is that still in your heart? Do you want to redo it?” “Yes!” “Okay. Well today we have some play time so during that time is when you’ll redo the hike. You can invite your squad to do it with you or you can do it alone. It’s totally up to you.” “Okay, thank you.” I immediately felt like there were a thousand sea horses, not butterflies, swimming around bumping into each other in my stomach. I was so nervous and sick to my stomach that I shed a few tears about it. I’m not a crier, especially not in public, and definitely not over something like this! But my precious sisters were right there to support me. Casey and Kirby prayed over me and assured me that everything would be okay. I also sent a text out to my awesome prayer team asking them to lift me up in prayer. Then, I told a couple other people on my squad about the redo and they asked if they could join me. “Yes, you can. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s totally up to you.” Pride.
Three hours later it was time to go do this thing again. I was joined by my other squad leader Johnna, and my squad mates Faye, Sydney, Anna, Holley, and Lyndi Jo. My goodness! The whole time I walked the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. He was like, “See Shonda, you have to relinquish your false sense of control or God will strip it from you…. You have to let your walls down so that other people can get in and help you. You can’t be everything for everyone at all times and expect to make it on your own…. You see how Sydney is pulling you right now but your feet aren’t dragging; you’re still moving them yourself? That’s what the Father and Jesus want for you. They want you to grab a hold of them and allow them to pull you even as you continue to move forward. Just because someone is pulling you doesn’t mean you’re not working…. You feel Anna pushing you from behind? That’s me pushing you to your next level. You can’t stop just because you’re tired. Souls are depending on you, and I’m not going to let you stop now….” And then WE crossed the finish line with 2 minutes to spare!!! I couldn’t do anything but drop my head, cry, and praise God for the lessons He was teaching me through this ever so humbling experience. Humility.
They wanted to take my rucksack, but I said “no.” They wanted to give me water, but I said “no.” They wanted me to sit down and rest a minute before walking back to camp, but I said “no.” You see, they had helped me enough. And in that moment I needed God to know that I had heard Him. I understood that there would be times when I would need to rely on the support of others. I understood that the battle was His and not my own. But I also understood that in my weakness He has made me strong, and in those final moments I needed to walk in the strength He had given me. I needed to throw my hands up in total surrender to Him as a reminder to myself that He is in control and I am but a vessel to be used by Him. Trust.
***I would be remiss if I didn’t send an extra special shout out to my awesome hiking buddies again. Ladies, I could not have done this without you! Thank you so much for your willingness to walk that part of my spiritual journey with me, and for sacrificing your free time to do so. Thank you for helping me learn that leaning on the love of others can be a beautiful thing. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH A BUNCHES AND THERE AIN’T A THANG YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!***
