When I was a kid I had this blanky that my mom made for me while she was pregnant with me. That blanky was my go-to for years and years… more than I care to admit actually. I had to have it in order to sleep well. It was a comfort when I needed to cry over someone hurting my feelings. It held my hand as I watched scary movies and laughed with me when my cousin fell in the kitchen while running in his socks. It helped prop my head up just perfectly in bed, and caught every single tear that fell from my eyes. The very sight of the blanky made me feel safe, loved, and cherished. Several times my parents and sister tried to hide it from me to wean me off of it, but it never worked. One time I forgot it at an aunt’s house when we’d went out of town and I made my parents have her ship it to me… that was the longest week of my life! LOL That blanky was my friend, my confidante, my cheerleader, my safe place. As long as I had my blanky I knew everything would be okay.
It’s amazing the trust and reliance we place on objects. Think about how much you depend on your cell phone, laptop, planner, car, or glasses. I know of a girl that forgot her phone on her counter when she left home to go on vacation with several girlfriends. By the time she realized it, they were already an hour away. She made the group turn around and drive back so that she could get it because she “couldn’t” go 3 days without the phone. They almost missed their flight… for a phone!
I used to be that way about my planner. If I didn’t write things down I had no clue what was going on in life! I used to think that I had to have every little thing planned and that I had to do things a certain way, or else I wouldn’t attain the desired outcome. Ask anyone that knew me a couple years ago and they can tell you that EVERYTHING was in my planner, and that events were highlighted based on categories – school, work, social, miscellaneous. It was serious business! I had to be in control. I needed to be in control or else the world would crumble to pieces.
As the time draws closer for me to leave the country, God is showing me myself more and more, little by little. Or maybe He’s been trying to show me all along and my eyes are finally open enough to see. Some things, like my strength in Him, are nice to know, while others, like the depth of my “need” to be in control, are not so pretty. Through conversation with a dear friend this week, I realized that there are many things that I feel I have no control over so the things that I feel are within my grasp I take them quite seriously. I do believe, though, that in the 182 days since I accepted the call to go on this mission trip, I have slowly begun to loosen my grip on the reigns of this thing called life. And, while sometimes difficult, it has been quite freeing.
No longer do I have a plan for the next five years of my life. No longer am I overly concerned about when, where, or how I will obtain my counseling licensure. No longer do I dwell on vision that I was so sure God gave me as a teenager wondering how the rest of it will fit. No longer do I worry incessantly about my niece, nephew, and Godchildren. By way of the Holy Spirit, God is graciously teaching me that many of the things I concerned myself with were not my responsibility, that I do not have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, that although He’s given me a burden for families, it is not my job to fix them but rather to point them to the Fixer.
Day by day I’m learning what it really means to “cast my cares on Him,” and believe that He does indeed care for me. That He cares about every little thing that grabs my attention and that, if I let Him, He will handle them all. So, here I stand, head bowed and hands raised in total surrender to God. He is becoming the friend, my confidante, my cheerleader, my safe place that my blanky once was. And I am resting joyfully in His arms.
