Coughing incessantly. Choking because the dry coughs are so violent that air can’t reach the lungs. Choosing between using words sparingly or simply not talking at all or not caring and still trying to carry on a conversation even though the voice is literally gone.
That’s been my reality for exactly one month now. It started at training camp when I felt the beginnings of a cold coming on. I took some Emergen-C and drank water with honey in it and took a couple vitamin C pills. I thought I had caught it soon enough because the preliminary symptoms subsided. And then it happened. We had to spend a night away from camp at a state park without our tents in the pouring rain. It rained for hours and hours and the smoke from the fire my squad mates built filled and agitated my lungs. And then the rain stopped just as I decided to go to “bed.” A few of us laid across a pile of ruck sacks and day packs and tried to go to sleep. Just as I drifted off, a few mates came and woke me up trying to get their packs. It got cold. Really cold. Two days later my voice was gone. Like completely gone where I could barely get out any sound and my squad had to listen closely to hear what I was trying to say. It’s been a month now and my voice is still gone. It’s not nearly as bad as it was, though.
Last weekend some of my girlfriends and I went to the Heart to Heart women’s conference hosted by Heather Lindsey, founder of the Pinky Promise Movement, in Atlanta. My good friend Rudi and I always try to have a heart of expectancy for a move of God, and I tend to have something specific that I’m trusting Him for. This time, all I said was, “God, I want my voice back by the end of this weekend.”
The second night of the conference the Holy Spirit prompted me to go pray with one of my friends. I was a little reluctant because she was somewhere in the front of the room and I was in the back. Mind you, there were 2,000 women in attendance. How was I supposed to find her? But, I was obedient. Eventually I found her, but another lady was praying for her so I just came in agreement with them. But then something shifted. My mouth opened and words began to come out but they were not my own. It was like all the things my friend was longing to say to God came from her heart and through my mouth. When she was calm enough I went back to my seat and sat down. I thought, “Whoa! That was weird.”
A few minutes later, my friend beside me turned to me with a shy look on her face and said, “I think I’m supposed to ask you to pray for me.” I just looked at her as she stood above me looking down at me. I thought to myself, “Umm okay. She’s not gonna say what she wants prayer for? I wasn’t thinking about you. What am I supposed to pray?” I stood up and held her hands as I looked off into space wondering what to say. And then it happened. As I looked into her eyes, still holding her hands, my mouth opened and the words began to flow. Again, they were not my own, but a cry from the depths of her soul to our sovereign Father. When the Holy Spirit finished I sat down again and thought, “What in the world is going on?!”
After I had been sitting for a couple minutes, I decided to ask one of my other friends to pray for me. So I got up and went over to her. I put my hands out in front of her and smiled. She smiled back and stood up taking my hands in her own. Just as I opened my mouth to ask her to pray for me, God’s heart for her came out. The longer He spoke to her through me, the heavier my chest felt. It was like as he lifted some things from her heart and took them on as His own, I physically felt the weight of it all. But as soon as He finished, the weight immediately left my body as well. I couldn’t do anything but cry as I left her in His presence and walked back to my seat.
I later thought that the weight I felt must be how God feels all the time. I then thought about how many of us pray, “Lord, give me your heart for your people.” That’s a huge task. Be sure and intentional about how/what you pray.
I sat there overwhelmed by the way the Holy Spirit used me, and the fact that He chose me to reach these beautiful women. “Why me? What in the world, Jesus?” I got up to go find some tissue and on the way I saw a man sitting peacefully. For some reason he really stood out to me but I just went about my business, found the tissue, and went back to my seat. When I sat down, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to go speak to the man I had seen. I was like, “No way, God. I don’t know him. And there’s a girl with him. I’m not about to have anybody looking at me crazy. Uh unh, nope.” But He wouldn’t let it go so I had to be obedient. I’m so glad that I did go share what God gave me for him because he and his wife ended up being the sweetest couple and such a blessing to me! Not only that, but my obedience encouraged the wife to walk in obedience as well. It’s so funny how God orchestrates things.
On Sunday after church, as my friend Rudi and I stood talking I realized that God has answered my prayer. I wanted Him to give me my voice back by the end of the conference, remember? While He didn’t fully heal my physical voice as I was hoping, He did something even greater. He restored my spiritual voice.
My spirit, much like my body after a month of coughing, had been ravaged by sin, mistrust, and lack of quality intimacy with God. For the last couple months, I had been wondering why He was sending me on this mission journey. It seemed that everyone on my squad knew exactly why they were going. But all I knew was He told me to sign up and so that’s what I did. God showed me at the conference that the reason He wants me to go is to be a voice for the hearts of the people we come in contact with and for His heart to be shared with them. That, I think, is the greatest gift I could have received – a sense of purpose as I “go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.” (Mark 16:15)
So, I want to encourage you. God hears your prayers and He knows the desires of your heart. Continue crying out to Him, trusting Him, and being obedient. You never know how your obedience, or lack thereof, will impact someone else. The second friend that I prayed with told me later that the Holy Spirit told her to ask me to pray with her long before she actually asked me. Her obedience allowed God to break some things in her, and gave me the opportunity to submit to His will, experience a depth of intimacy that I hadn’t had before, and realize a portion of my purpose. Finally, allow God to be God in your life. It may not look or feel the way you had hoped, but He will answer your prayers. He knows what you need.
*Ladies, I strongly encourage you to check out http://www.pinkypromisemovement.com/. Pinky Promise is an incredible ministry created to empower women to honor God with their lives.
**Men, I encourage you to check out http://www.themancaves.org/. The Man Cave’s purpose is to inspire men to live Christ-centered lives.
