“How was the race?”
“How was your year?”
“How are you?”
These are just a few questions I still have no idea how to answer. You see, transition is something that is weird for everyone. It’s a bit awkward having to find “your place” again. We get comfortable with the motions and experiences…they become our new normal. Our normal is what our everyday looks like. For me, my new normal looked crazy to the American world. Wearing the same clothes everyday, volunteering to live out of a backpack, going out to talk to complete strangers…yeah, weird. But y’all, this was no longer weird for me or anyone on my squad. It was normal.
My normal looked like waking up every morning at 7 am, spending time with Jesus, and then going to do whatever He asked of me.
It sometimes looked like gardening for the local church.
It sometimes looked like spending countless hours teaching P.E to children who were forced to grow up too fast.
It sometimes looked like going to a home of a complete stranger and praying fiercely for her family.
It sometimes meant holding a sweet child who lost both of her parents and my heart grieving for her, just like I know the Father did.
In my new normal, I became the person I have always wanted to be.
I learned to love and love anyways. I learned to be bold for the Gospel. I fell in love with God ~ over and over again. I learned to love myself, even the parts I absolutely hated. I sat in my pain and I didn’t run away from it. I learned about the Father and witnessed His faithfulness come ALIVE. God stayed in love with me. I was not perfect on this race. I failed over and over and over again. I fell short and lost hope at times. But my Father STAYED in love with me. In my times of rebellion, in my times where I just forgot about His goodness, He stays with me. Can you believe that? Because I can hardly wrap my head around it.
You see, when people ask me the famous question, ”How was your year?” I could go on forever and ever. God completely transformed me. The girl who walked into month one in Colombia is not the same girl who is writing this now. Same face? Sure. Same love for romantic comedies and ice cream? You betcha.
But the difference is this,
I am no longer afraid to be weak.
I am no longer afraid to have imperfections all over me.
I am no longer afraid to give my heart away to the most vulnerable people because God is SUCH A GOOD FATHER and He pieces back together. Every. Single. Time.
That’s the biggest difference and I praise my Father for this.
So here is a moment of complete vulnerability for anyone who is reading this, because I refuse to put on mask and pretend that I am perfect.
I am really struggling. Every single day is difficult for me. My times spent with Jesus, I always find myself weeping. I am mess. I am hurting and I am in pain. I miss the community with my beautiful squad and actually loved always being around people (call me crazy) 🙂 I miss being surrounded by people who are passionate for Jesus and His call. I miss waking up every single day so ready to serve Jesus and His vulnerable ones. I miss the simplicity of living out of a backpack. I miss the beautiful brown eyes that would hold my hand like we have been friends forever. I miss the warm smiles and welcoming hugs. I miss finding family in a new place. I miss my home that I have found all over the world.
I just simply miss this life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love being with my family and friends. They have been so patient and have C O V E R E D me in grace as I adjust back into a new normal. I am so stinken’ thankful for them.
But this is the time where I am SO incredibly desperate for God. I am desperate for His love and His embrace. I am weak and I need His strength to do a lot of things right now. I am leaning back into His arms and just letting Him do what only He can do. He is my home. Y’all, I don’t know how I ever did this life without Jesus. He is my safe place.
with so much love, Shelby
