B E A U T Y
A term I have known since I was 5 years old.
I knew princesses were beautiful. I knew singing and dancing were beautiful. I knew my mom was beautiful (and still is!!). I knew the color pink was beautiful.
I loved beautiful things.
I never struggled with insecurities (I mean, what kid does?!) until I was about 10 years old. This was the first time I started to hear people say to me,
“It’s a good thing your pretty” or “at least your cute.”
This was just the beginning of a world of deep insecurity. I remember being 12 years old and I started to notice my body changing. I noticed I was no longer just naturally skinny. I noticed that I did not look like the girls that all the boys liked. This was the beginning of hating the way I look.
A few years later, I am in high school and I am beginning to feel confident in the way I look. But this is only because I am skinny and have no blemishes. The moment something pops up on my face or I begin to gain weight, I hate myself again. That’s not real confidence.
Now, I am in college. This is where everything went downhill on appearance. I became obsessed with my body. I had to look a certain way. I ate only healthy and wanted to punch myself if I even took a bite of a cookie. I would get so mad at myself if I missed a day in the gym. When I would eat cookies and pizza, I would feel terrible. I made the excuse that the only way to make myself feel better is to throw up the bad food. So I did it. And this became a constant cycle of always finding an “excuse” to throw up my food. This was the beginning of an eating disorder.
Time and time again I would make the excuse.
“It’s okay to throw up if it makes me feel better.”
I would hear the lie, “this is the only way to be perfect. This is the only way to be beautiful.”
And I wanted to be beautiful. More than anything.
Throughout my life I have always believed that my appearance was all I had to offer. I believed nobody would give me a second glance if I was not beautiful. I believed beauty was truly in my appearance. What’s a pretty heart without a pretty face? Yeah, I used to think this. In my head, beauty was always a size 2. No blemishes and tan skin. Beauty was skin deep. Cute clothes, perfect body, thick hair, straight teeth, and the perfect makeup.
That is beauty.
At least, that’s what it used to be.
—————————————————————————————————————
Here I am, 11 months into the World Race and my idea of beauty has drastically changed.
Going from South America, to Asia, to Africa, to Europe…I have been surrounded by beauty.
But not the kind of beauty you see on the magazine cover.
The kind of beauty that is found through genuine kindness and love for people.
The kind of beauty that is found through welcoming strangers in and loving them like they are family.
The kind of beauty that is found through a child with the biggest chocolate brown eyes holding your hand like you have been friends forever.
The kind of beauty that is willing to help with the little they have.
The kind of beauty that smiles at you like you are the only one they see.
The kind of beauty that shines with selfless, authentic, passionate love for people.
I have seen pure beauty.
This year, I have experienced everything that I used to consider a “major flaw” in me. I have gained weight, I have had ring worm on my face (and still currently have it all over me, whoops!), I have broken out, I have had bumps all over my body, and I have worn the most random outfit pairings. I eat the most carb loaded foods due to culture and low finances, which means all the bread, all the rice, and ALL the ramen!!
I do not look the same as I did when I left.
I was obsessed with looking perfect. I had a hidden eating disorder. I would cover my face with makeup if there was even a sign of a pimple coming up. I did not love myself. I did not love who God was designing me to be. I was constantly hiding and allowing myself to be blinded by this worlds idea of what is “beautiful.”
But who REALLY decides what is beautiful??
Because when we let this world decide, we will never be enough and will always be seeking. We will never find rest.
Are you tired? Are you tired of chasing? Are you tired of searching? Are you tired of hurting yourself just to be considered beautiful?
I am.
This year has taught me so much when it comes to what true beauty is. And trust me, I know you have heard this before. I felt the same way. I would say things like,
“I know beauty is found in the heart, but I can’t seem to find freedom and actually love myself. I can’t stop obsessing over food and my body image. I want to join every fad diet because it will fix my obsession. I want to kill myself in the gym so I can feel better. It will make me beautiful.”
I was so wrong.
The only one who can cure the obsession with my body is Christ and Christ alone. This is my sin struggle. I am open to admit this because with admitting this, there is no shame. I pray Jesus will you use this to help someone.
God is the only one who defines what is beautiful. He is the only one who GETS to decide. He created the world and said IT IS GOOD. He made creation and created with it’s own type of beauty. Creation does not diet, it does not “fix itself”, it simply exists.
I mean, look at waterfalls and sunrises…they are beautiful!! Did they try to be beautiful? No, they just are. That’s how God created them. The same is true for you and for me. God created mankind and said IT IS VERY GOOD. Meaning, even more beautiful than that waterfall or sunrise 🙂 That’s pretty darn cool. We don’t have to try to be beautiful, we just are. It is how God made us.
When our heart beats for Christ and Christ alone…that is the most beautiful we can ever be. Nothing tops it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love makeup and cute clothes. I love the gym and occasionally a salad instead of fries 😉
But y’all, this is no longer my identity. I really love people and Jesus is the core of who I am. So even with the ring worm, the slight weight gain, and the very interesting outfit pairings….I am so in love with Jesus and because of that,
I am beautiful. I am breathtaking. And God wouldn’t change a thing about me 🙂
He is good.
with so much love, Shelby
