Pursuit.
Such a funny word, I know.
Pursuit is the act of pursuing.
So what does that even mean?
It’s a verb. Meaning it’s active. Something that you engage in. Something that you follow up or proceed with.
Currently, I have experienced this lack of pursuit. While I do believe my feelings are valid, I believe the enemy chooses critical areas of our life to attack and turn into a lie.
When I left in January I knew things would be different with my friendships in the States. Long- distance anything can be difficult, because it requires effort on both sides. However, I did not anticipate the pain that would come in waves each month, when you feel that there is no effort of pursuit from people you considered “close friends” at home. I see life continuing on without me like I never existed. These thoughts combined with the new season I have stepped into on the race, I felt like my friendships had shifted (in not a good way), sent me on a downward spiral.
“no one cares about me at home”
“there’s something wrong with you”
“you are not worth the pursuit”
These lies caused me to become even more frustrated, because I realized the enemy is attacking old wounds that I felt I had already dealt with. Soon realizing, I am on the spiral, and uprooting an even deeper aspect of a lie I have been led to believe my entire life.
I’m not worth the pursuit.
The Lord has walked me through a lot of aspects of my worth. Which I have vocalized many of these through my blog. The biggest coming to believe I am worthy of marriage.
So why now am I struggling with the lie that I am not worth the pursuit?
As I started processing with the Lord, He started to convict me (in a good way).
“Shelby, is my pursuit not enough? I pursue you every single day my daughter, even to the point of death on a cross. Every day I choose you my beloved, even when you don’t choose me. Even when you run away from me, I am right behind you to catch you when you fall.”
Wow, this put things into perspective. Do I really pursue the Lord with everything I have?
Not even close.
Israelites get a bad rap because they did not reciprocate the pursuit of the Lord at all. But, every single stinkin’ day, I put things before Him. But in all honesty, we all do. We put our friends, job, money, relationships, even netflix etc. in front of our relationship with the Lord.
REALITY CHECK
So after a nice long talk with Poppa, and repenting of all the times I did not pursue Him. He led me to share this lie I was believing with my team.
Why?
Because when you speak a lie out into the open, the enemy no longer has a foothold in your life. No longer can bitterness take root in your heart.
So I did it and voiced the way I was feeling.
So much freedom.
Although, yeah I still struggle with these thoughts, its out in the open.
I have a community who can speak truth into my life.
Sorry Satan, not today.
As I was sitting in a café yesterday, this song by Lauren Daigle came on my radio and was a perfect description of everything I have been experiencing. Below, I have the lyrics, as well as the youtube video.
You say:
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just a song of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am week
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don’t belong, Lord you say I am yours
And I beieve, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe
The only thing that matters now is everything you say of me
Cuz in you I find my worth in you I find my identity
You say I am loved when I cant feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am week
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don’t belong, Lord, you say I am yours
And I beieve, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe
Taking all I have now I’m laying at your feet
Cuz you have every failure, God, and you have every victory
You say I am loved when I cant feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am week
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don’t belong, Lord you say I am yours
And I beieve, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe
And I beieve, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe
Once again, thank you for visiting the inner workings of the mind of Shelby Downing. I pray that I am able to reach others who could be feeling the same way all for God’s glory! You. Yes YOU are worth the pursuit. Anything, or anybody that tells you otherwise is a lie straight from the depths of hell. As my squad mate Vielka would say, take that lie and “kick em’ back to hell!”
xoxo
