So I sat down to blog probably about a week ago, and have really struggled with what to write about. I think this is mostly because I knew exactly what the Lord had put on my heart to talk about and I didn’t necessarily want to. Honestly, because it required a lot of vulnerability (which unfortunately has been a common theme this past year, or I guess you could say fortunately – depends on which way you look at it). So prepare yourself once again for the inner workings of Shelby Downing’s mind and the verbal processing via my blog.
To give some background, we have to go back to about three weeks ago, which brings us back to 8 years ago. So grab a drink and prepare yourself for the ride.
Sara (aka my squad leader) and me were having a one- on- one to talk about stepping into my new role as a raised up squad leader. (side note, Sara the bee’s knee’s) After we had finished talking responsibilities, she asked me if I needed any deliverance or inner healing (if you have any questions about either of things, just message me – definitely WR lingo) Sara and I went through some inner healing together about the spirit of perfection that has resided in my life. As I was processing with the Lord, Sara would ask me questions and allow the Lord to speak into the situation. One of the final questions is where the Lord WRECKED me (in a good way). As I was about to share with Sara what the Lord had said, she abruptly stopped me. The Lord had put the impression that at that time she wasn’t supposed to know what He had spoken to me. (WHAT?? I was really on a roll sharing my heart) I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do.
The Lord wanted me to not only share with her, but everyone.
This is where the vulnerability comes in because this isn’t super easy to share with everyone.
But here it goes, because I am going to be obedient to the Lord.
Sooo… I’m not really going to go through the inner healing session just for the sake of the length of this blog. If you want to know more, just ask! I am just going to jump right into where the Lord WRECKED ME.
Sara had asked something along the lines of “what do you think the Lord is saying?”
So here it goes:
“Shelby, I am such a proud father. Just take a moment to reflect on where you have come from and where you are now. Reflect on that, your story is POWERFUL. Everything that you went through in the past had a purpose, all in preparation for this moment now. You are so strong my daughter, and there are even greater things ahead for you.”
The past couple of weeks have been a lot of self reflection with the Lord. He put it on my heart to share part of my story on my blog and to share ALL that He has done in my life to bring me to this point. All GLORY be to God.
So my childhood up to middle school was pretty great for me, thus the fast forwarding to my freshman year of high school. I grew up in church and had the fundamental idea of who the Lord was but didn’t really “know” Him. I had always been a “good” girl, and had friends, but I had this deep rooted desire to be liked by my peers. One of the friends that I had been close to since elementary school, became friends with more of the “popular” crowd in the school. So naturally, I followed her. These people were not a good influence at all, but more than that horrible friends. But, I knew that if I wanted to fit in and be “liked,” I was going to have to follow their lead. At age 15, I had my first experiences with weed and alcohol. I started to “party” in order to fit in with this crowd. To sum up this time in my life, the best way I know how was that darkness fell over my life. These people I was “friends” with spoke many lies into my life. The lies combined with the lifestyle I was living, created a perfect environment for me to fall right into deep depression. I found no value in myself or my life. I would drink and smoke to “escape” from reality. I became numb to everything. I started to self- harm just in order to feel “something.” I internalized the “junk” in my life and my only escape was to journal everything.
This continued for about a year until my mom found my journal (which was hidden under the guest bedroom mattress). I still remember the day clear as day, when my mom came to pick me up from school. As soon as I got in the car she set the journal in my lap, tears streaming down her face. After a short conversation, she told me that I was going to start seeing a counselor. The thoughts were racing in my mind. I had failed her as a daughter. I was a failure. I can’t even imagine how she felt in that moment. Even thinking about it now, tears come to my eyes. Shortly after that, I started going to a counselor, but I would not open up. I felt that nobody could help me. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at age 16, which led to being put on medication. I felt helpless.
At the end of my junior year through some pretty rough circumstances I let go of these friendships that were causing me so much pain. However, I ran right into verbally and physically abusive relationships that continued into college. My freshman year I had finally stopped smoking weed but was still drinking. Honestly, looking back I am not sure how I made it through that first semester of college. I was at rock bottom, I was in a very bad relationship and in the darkest part of my depression. I thought about taking my life a lot. Every day it was a struggle to get out of bed.
Mid- semester I moved into a new room with a girl I had went to high school with. Little did I know, this would change my life FOREVER. (God knew exactly what He was doing.) After living with her a while, she invited me to church (I probably hadn’t been in 3 years). After contemplating if I should go or not, I figured what do I have to lose??
So that Sunday night I went, and guys it was seriously EVERYTHING that I needed to hear. The general gist of what the preacher taught on was the fact that the Lord allows His strongest soldier’s to go through the hardest battles. BUT, even in the midst of the battle He never leaves your side. God allows things to happen in your life as a pruning process for your future ministry. We can reach others through our story. All of this was resonated so beautifully with my soul. Tears were welling up in my eyes. If that wasn’t enough- the leader of the ministry got up on stage and said that it wasn’t planned but he felt like someone really needed to hear John’s testimony. Cue in the waterworks. I remember calling my mom that night, crying, telling her that I had been living my life wrong all of these years. I experienced God was for the first time in my life. Over the next couple of months, I got involved in a small group and really started to understand who Jesus was and what He had done for me. It was a complete 180. I stopped drinking, and started reading my bible. I had finally gotten out of the bad relationship I was in and pursuing friendships with Christians. People that I was friends with before could tell I was different. Even though I still struggled with my depression and anxiety, I had new joy, a new zeal for life. I was happy for the first time in forever. My sophomore year of college, I started leading my own small group and joined leadership in my college ministry. That continued through my junior year and the Lord continued to heal my heart. I got to disciple other girls and show them how great Jesus is and how sweetly He pursues us. I was making disciples who make disciples. My senior year I got asked to co-lead the woman’s ministry with my best friend Jessica. I also started dating a really great guy, and had my first experience with a “Godly” relationship. I got to pour into our women’s leadership team and into our college ministry as a whole. I learned so much during these 3 years.
After I graduated, I was going to take a season of rest away from ministry. But here’s the thing, I could not stay away from ministry as hard as I tried. So over the summer, I started serving in our high school ministry back at home. I got to lead an amazing group of juniors in high school and pour into them during such a fundamental period of their life.
One thing the Lord has taught me is that your testimony doesn’t just end when you start following Jesus, so welcome to part two.
About 8 months after I graduated, I went through a really hard break up and a falling out with my parents. I moved out and fell hard. I went through a period of about two or three weeks doubting God’s goodness and how this could happen when I was giving the Lord my “all.” I started to fall back into my depression. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t a really, really hard place to be in. I felt broken. I was feeding into lies from the enemy. I realized I hadn’t been giving Him my “all” that I had put other things before Him. From experience, God will take away everything until He is the only thing in your life. Yet, the Lord STILL pursued my heart. I started to pick up the pieces once again and refocus my mind and priorities. I STARTED pursing the Lord. Through this, I was able to pour myself into my high school girls and my young singles small group. Over the summer, I went to a camp as a counselor for my girls. This was when the Lord called me into ministry (such a cool story, ask me about it!) When I started praying through what that looked like is when I was called to go on the World Race. The next months were a whirlwind and in January I left for my 11 month adventure.
In my short five months on the race, I HAVE GROWN SO MUCH. The Lord has healed me from so many different things in my past I had suppressed. I can honestly say I am a NEW person. I have started to hear the Lord’s voice so clearly and honestly He has become my best friend. The Lord has shown me my gifting’s and how I can use them on the field. I have experienced Him in new and beautiful ways. Now he has allowed me to come into a squad leader position where I get to do what I am passionate about! I get to pour into others and show them how good my God is! I get to make disciples who make disciples in all nations!
So when the Lord said to me “remember how far you have come,” all I can do is cry because of God’s goodness. He has been such a good, good Father. He never gave up on me but pursued me no matter what. I have come so far with HIM walking beside me the entire way! So why in the world would I keep what the Lord has done in my life to myself?!
The Lord rewrote my story.
He can rewrite yours too.
