So here we go… another blog inspired by vulnerability. Again, it wasn’t something that I exactly wanted to share (because it does put me in a bit of a negative light) but the Lord had continued to put it on my heart to write about. The pinnacle of my internal battle was when two of the members of the team that I am currently with (Melissa & Andrea) both posted blogs related to this topic. The Lord said “come on Shelbs, if they can be open enough to share so can you.”
Singleness… has a bit of a negative ring to it, doesn’t it?
Throughout my life as a collective, I wouldn’t say I necessarily “struggled” with this. (But then again, I might have admitted it to the right person.) I would have said, I have been through my fair share of relationships & heartbreaks. The most recent, the most difficult heartbreak to push through. However, if someone would have asked me directly about singleness, I probably would have given you the typical answer “I am fine with being single.” & “I am completely content in my relationship with the Lord.”
But, that was a lie & I subconsciously knew it.
So there has definitely been times that theoretically I have been “single.” But my friends have never referred to me as the “single” friend. Which before this trip was a slight offense to my pride but over the duration of this trip the Lord has revealed to me otherwise.
So yeah spoiler alert, I haven’t been single until this trip.
As the Lord has brought healing to the most broken parts of my soul from different circumstances that have happened in my past, He has also brought so much to light. The bad relationships that I had with men in my earlier years left me with this gaping void in my heart. In turn, this void left me always seeking out men’s affirmation and attention. Even when I was “single,” I always had someone I was interested in, talking to, or on the back- burner. Which, in all reality, isn’t truly being single.
As I have grown in self- awareness on this trip, I know that my personality type when in an unhealthy state is a manipulator. So I was manipulating men into giving me the attention and affection I was so desperately craving. Around the time of month 3 on this trip the Lord convicted me (hardcore) on the way I had been treating the men in my life. During a long walk with God, I was processing through some pain of previous relationships (mostly complaining) & the Lord spoke. “You have no forgiveness in your heart, when you have treated my children the exact same way.” Talk about A WAKE UP CALL, HOLY CONVICTION. As I looked at my past relationships with men, wow I has been careless with others emotions and feelings for my own self- gratification. I repented, and finally my own pride broke. I realized God is the only person that can fill that void. That is what it means to be truly satisfied in your Creator. I made a promise to God, that I would never return to those old habits. I would respect His sons in a way that I hadn’t previously.
This year has been learning contentment in the season of singleness the Lord has put me in. He has catered so gently to my heart, and shown me what it’s like to be pursued by a real man. (Him, obviously) I have been able to serve the Lord in a different capacity that I could if I was married or in a relationship. The focus is finally off finding the “right” man and to becoming the “right” woman. For the first time in my life, I can genuinely say I am content with my singleness. It is a beautiful thing to be satisfied in the Lord. I have started praying over the characteristics I want to have as a woman which are posted below. (But I am constantly adding more)
I Want to be a Woman Who:
- Serves sacrificially, without want.
- Exemplifies love in all of her actions to everyone she encounters.
- Opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
- Is wild and free in her Savior & knows what that looks like.
- Is bold in declaring her faith to others.
- Is clothed in both strength & dignity.
- Has no fear of the future but is confident in Christ’s plan for her life.
- Does not chase after material possessions.
- Is completely confident & content with being single if that’s what it means to glorify God in her life.
- Fears the Lord & produces fruit.
- Forgives without thinking, knowing how much she has been forgiven.
Also a s/o to the men on this squad! You have shown me what it is like to have true GODLY men in my life. What it is like to have brothers in Christ, who do not have other intentions but to point me to Christ. The pressure is off. I no longer have to constantly revaluate my status in your eyes. I know you guys love me for exactly who the Lord has created me to be. So thank you. You will never know the impact you have made on my life.
So as I enter into the near future, marriage is not on the horizon or a relationship anywhere in sight.
And in the first time in my life, I can say I am okay with that.
The Lord is good and He has a plan for me.
