Wow. I can’t believe that I have been home for a little over two months. Sometimes I question whether or not it was all a dream?
There has been so much change in my life. First of all the Lord had opened up some amazing opportunities right before I left for the Race that I was pretty stoked about and excited about pursuing. However, I did not feel a peace in my Spirit and as I approached it in prayer, the Lord gave me two pretty hard no’s.
As I had mentioned in my previous blog, I was having a difficult time transitioning, and I was pretty frustrated that the Lord had shut down both options. I was living in a perpetual state of turmoil, struggling to find community and the purpose in being home. As I was searching and to be completely honest, a little angsty towards the Lord, of course He completely blew my expectations out of the water. A few weeks later, I was offered a residency position at my church, which a few short weeks later turned into a full-time job. I am now the administrative assistant at the East Campus of Biltmore Church. I truly believe the Lord wanted to see if I would be obedient in the no’s, because He had something so much better in store for me. I absolutely love my job, and adore the staff I work with and their families. I also started back classes for graduate school, for my masters in School Counseling. I joined a connect group, bought a new car, and I am now attempting to find a house to rent. So as you can see, my life has been a whirlwind the past two months! The Lord has blessed me immensely, and shown He is such a faithful Father.
But amidst all of the busyness and craziness, I’ve realized something.
I’m lonely.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, much less those who read my blog.
Yet, I think there is beauty in vulnerability and expressing the impact community has had on my life this past year. Although it drove me completely bonkers at some points, there is no denying that community took on a completely different meaning for me this year. I lived alongside 28 other human beings 24/7 for an entire year. We did ministry together, broke bread together, fought for one another, encouraged other, called each other higher, laughed together, cried together, mourned together, and most of all loved one another. They became my family. They were people who knew me inside and out, knew my story, and all that the Lord had done in my life.
So yeah, it has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do leaving them. Our mentors tried to explain the hardship of leaving that behind. You think you are prepared, but it’s one thing hearing it, but completely different experiencing it first hand.
I am fighting for community here.
But I am not gonna lie…
It’s hard.
People are so individualistic and set on doing their own things here. Yes, I know the Lord has given me the innate desire and ability to bring people together. But heres the thing, I don’t always want to be the annoying person always asking everyone to hang out. I feel like I have tried telling people I need community, but no one is really hearing me out. I know that it’s not possible to recreate what I had this past year, but I wish I could show other the importance of what it actually means to live alongside one another. Maybe I just don’t know how to vocalize that I feel lonely, or maybe its my inner 2 coming out of not wanting to ask others for help, but here I am on my blog expressing exactly what I feel. If I’m being honest, I barely even feel like I have close friends here.
Here’s what I know though. The Lord listens and hears our desires. I do believe He is going to bring others together to create this community. He is faithful, and desires to see his Sons and Daughters live this out when we are asking according to his will. Just continue to pray that I can be patient, and continue to pursue old & new friendships while I am walking through this transitional faze.
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” -1 John 5:14
“How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” -Psalms 133:1
