As you may (or many not) know, I spent the first six months of the Race as a team leader. I was surprised when I was asked at Training Camp, because I am one of the youngest and had just switched onto the squad but nonetheless I accepted. In all of our training for leadership they talked about how to stay healthy and avoid ‘burnout’ through out the Race. Being my young prideful self I decided I was going to do everything possible to stay a team leader the whole 11 months.
Fast forward 5 months to this past month in Swaziland.
I was having a typical meeting with our squad leaders just to check in on everything. Not too far into the conversation they ask me how I was doing/ feeling with leadership. My typical response of “good, everything is going well, challenging but still growing.” spilled out of my mouth and I didn’t think twice. They kind asked again but then started to talk about seasons of leadership and how rest is a good and healthy thing. I quickly hit the defensive and started to think about everything I could have done wrong in the last 5 months. They assure me that they were not planning to take me out of leadership and that I had done nothing wrong, but I should to take some time and refocus my attention on the Lord and His leading. I agreed to do so, but still felt like a child who was just scolded. (Remember that pride we talked about earlier)
That afternoon I spent a few hours out on my favorite rock praying, questioning, and trying to listen to the Lord. I was not happy; I did not want to think about stepping down as a leader that was the one thing I was trying to avoid. I didn’t want to look or feel like I had failed or was not strong enough to finish the race as a team leader.
But this is what the Lord spoke to me,
“Your strength is not what is in question, your heart and others hearts are. I know you are a good leader, I gave you the gift of leadership, but I gave it to others also and they need a chance to grow in this time. I have taught you so much as a leader on this race and you will continue to be one, but on your own account not because you have to be, trust me in this. I have more to show you and teach you. Don’t doubt my faithfulness. You cannot see the road ahead, but I can. Trust me to lead you there. This change is not punishment or that I am taking something from you, I am opening up a new door for your race. Do not fear. I am with you. Keep your eyes on me.”
After some prayer (and pouting) I knew He was asking me to surrender leadership. He would not force me to, and neither would my squad leaders. I did not hit a burnout point, but I was given the opportunity to work on resting in the Lord and to trust even when I did not understand.
It was not an easy or quick decision. I questioned and fought the whole time, but even when I had almost convinced myself I didn’t hear God and I shouldn’t step down, the voice in the back of my head kept saying, “It’s your choice, but you know what I spoke to you.”
I could chose to hold on and push through the race as a team leader and the Lord would redeem it and work through it, but I could also surrender the idol I had placed on being a leader and see what He has planned for this time.
It was humbling standing before the leadership, my team, and then the squad to tell everyone I was stepping down. But the response of love, support and encouragement I received only strengthened the assurance of my decision.
I am now on team ‘Afresh’ (a co-ed team for the first time on the Race) and God has already been challenging me and my heart in new and deeper ways. I know this is where I am supposed to be and could not be more excited for the next 4 months!
