The past 4 months have been full of growth, full of rice, full of sweat, full of squad mates becoming family. They have been full.
Something that I have been learning since my junior year of college is what it looks like to fearlessly pursue the Lord. Fearless is the motto of the cycling team I coached. Fearless was the attitude I learned to take when I began my journey with the race. I think about Peter. He was a pretty bold guy. He sees Jesus on the water and steps out. And even though he gets distracted (spoiler alert!) and starts to sink, he still cries out to Jesus. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that small detail. Sometimes you step out in faith, its really cool for a little bit, but then you hear it – the fear, the doubt, the anxiety. You take your eyes off Jesus and you begin to sink.
So often that is the place I get stuck. I feel myself sinking and I throw my arms up in defeat. But what would life look like if, like Peter, I reset my focus, and grabbed the hand of the Father who is already reaching out for me.
The night before we left the Philippines, we stayed at a hostel closer to the airport with some of our squad mates. The hostel had a pool that had a slide and a balcony jump. The balcony jump was about 3 stories up (and yes it was there on purpose). After about an hour, I decided it was time to jump from the balcony into the pool. I climbed the stairs and remembered the instructions from the people who had done it before—don’t look down. When I reached the top, I looked down.
An hour went by and I remained standing staring down into the pool. Anxiety that started with a simple jump grew into anxieties I hadn’t struggled with for years. Self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, fear of people’s opinions, fear of failure. Countless people came up and encouraged me and stood with me. A good friend of mine, who had served with me all month and also has struggled with anxiety came up and began speaking life over me and declaring freedom over things he didn’t even know were running through my head. He began praying that the anxiety would leave me and that I would have the boldness and fearlessness to jump. I had him count down from 11 because it felt like a significant number. The only number I heard was 11 and the next few seconds are all a blur. The water covered every inch of my trembling body.
I didn’t have to jump. I could have easily walked back down the stairs. And if I had chosen that option, I would not have failed.
But God did not give me a spirit of fear. He says that when [I] pass through the waters , [He] will be with [me]; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm [me]; when [I] walk through fire [I] will not be burned, and the flame shall not consume [me] — Isaiah 43. And so I jumped into His arms and into His truth. Even as my focus left the eyes of the Father and I began to sink, I was not overcome by the waves of fear and the winds of anxiety.
This is a lesson I have been learning over and over again. I got this tattoo as a reminder of the simplicity of what fearlessly pursuing the Lord looks like. Reset the focus, keep your eyes on Him.
with love,
Shelby
