Disclaimer: This blog is real, raw, honest, and at some point will probably offend you. Know that my intentions aren’t to offend. My intentions are to let this blog be a conversation between me and The Lord. A place for me to word vomit all over the page as I begin to process all that he is teaching me. So if you’re looking for perfection, please look away, you wont find it here. If you are looking for a human who is broken, who is in constant need of the strength of Jesus, someone who falls short, someone who needs grace, then that’s what you’ll find here.
I’m lying on the ground after a run to clear my mind and I come back with all the same thoughts as before, a mind that is racing, and a heart that is heavy. So, I decide to lay in the floor, cry the tears I’ve been fighting back all day, and listen to one song on repeat. As I stare here at this blank screen trying to make sense of all that I’m feeling right now, floods of emotions are overwhelming me. Anxiety, confusion, anger, fear, doubt, stress, just to name a few.
Now, I know none of these emotions are from The Lord. Not a single one of them. I know these feelings are from the enemy. And I’m ready to claim victory over every one of these emotions in the name of Jesus.
I’m a youth minister to middle and high school students and I counsel them on what to do with their emotions all the time, but when it comes to me it seems so different. The thought, “you aren’t supposed to feel this way” creeps in my mind and literally paralyzes me. So, as I write this, I am currently paralyzed. And my prayer is that by the end of it, God will heal my paralysis, and encourage you to let him do the same with yours.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “what the heck is wrong with Shelby?” Let me tell you what’s wrong. I am feeling forty shades of guilty for being overwhelmed right now. I shouldn’t feel this way, I should be marveling in all that God is doing and teaching me. Because here lately, God has been showing out by showing me what a great support system he has given me. Family, friends, co-workers, all who believe in me and this mission God has for me. It’s truly humbling to know I can’t do it by myself and to see God rise up an army of helpers to make these numerous fundraisers work. I am so thankful for all the many willing hearts who have journeyed beside me these past few months.
I should be jumping up and down in gladness because of all that the Lord is doing, so why am I overwhelmed with all these emotions? In the midst of all this thankfulness, this shadow seems to be over my head as a constant reminder of all the things that are lingering and completely out of my control:
“You have two fundraisers left. There is no way you will raise that much money”
“Congratulations, you have enough to meet the first deadlines and start the World Race journey, but not enough to stay for the whole 11 months”
“How are you going to fundraise when you’re half way around the world?”
“You are going to be so distracted by fundraising that you are going to miss out on ministry while you’re in those countries.”
“How are you going to feel when you don’t have enough and you don’t get to stay for the duration of your trip?”
I’m tired of having the hard conversations. I am sick of fundraisers. I am sick and tired of living in a world that is fueled by money. I am sick and tired of asking people to help me, whether it is with their time, or with their treasure.
Its like I want God to do it for me, I want him to lay it on people’s hearts so that I wont have to. I want people to hear, and do, without me having to beg.
These have been the thoughts and prayers I’ve voiced to the Lord for the past few days. And his response has been the same each time I’ve cried out.
“It is worth it”
My initial thought was “duh, Lord I know it is worth it. “
When he said it again:
“It is worth it”
“Okay, Jesus, I get it, it’s worth it. Now could you please tell me why? Could you please tell me how? Could you please take this from me?”
His response:
“It is worth it”
He must have told me this 20 times today alone. But obviously I didn’t get it, so he was repeating himself again, and again, and again. That’s yet another thing I love about Him, He is so patient with me. He’s patient despite my stubbornness, despite my pride, despite when I say, “I got it, now what?” He is that still small voice who repeats himself until I get it.
So now, as I am writing this blog, praying fervently that the Lord would give me some revelation as to why. His answer remains the same. And I thank God that He remains the same. He remains constant. He remains who He was, who He is, and who He will always be. He remains who He says He will be, because that’s one of His many promises.
So instead of glancing over the words he spoke to me I really pray over them. I pray the words, “it is worth it.” Over, and over, and over again. I write it down. I stare at it. I speak it aloud. I listen to God as He speaks it.
And then it hits me, “Who am I to ask the Lord to take this from me? Who am I to want the easy way out? Who am I to question his reasons? Jesus himself, in all his anguish on the cross said to the Lord, ‘not my will, but yours be done Lord.’ In the midst of all his suffering, all his anguish, all his heartbreak, all of his millions of emotions, He never asked why. He simply obeyed. He simply did what the Father asked him to do, knowing that God was working even his torture, for good.
Jesus wants me to know it is worth it. Not because of what I can see, but because of the trust I have in Him.
2 Corinthians 4:18 “ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”
So, right now I vow to no longer be overwhelmed by what is seen, or rather what is not seen in my missions profile account. I’m going to fix my eyes on Jesus, because he will last forever, and He will be enough for me. Tomorrow morning, or maybe even later this afternoon I will have to repeat that vow and mean it all over again. It’s a daily decision, not a one and done deal.
Jesus loves me too much not to want the best for me. He loves me too much to see my days wasted away paralyzed by the emotions that come from the enemy. He whispers to me, “it is worth it.” What Satan intends for bad, He is going to use for good. It is working together, or preparing me for something down the road.
So as I finish up this blog, I will no longer be held captive by the paralysis of fear, confusion, anxiety, stress, doubt, or anger by the things I see on earth. I will keep my eyes on Him and allow him to speak sweet whispers into my soul.
Until next time know this:
IT IS WORTH IT
(No matter what it is in your life, it is worth it. And instead of focusing on all that doesn’t make sense; focus on the promise of Jesus to use EVERYTHING for our good!)
Just to show off more of God’s greatness, the song I was listening to tonight…. Its worth a listen. It couldn’t be more perfect to what the Lord is teaching me. It’s been my favorite for almost a month now thanks to my fellow wonderful B squaders. It’s worth your time to listen to it and let God speak volumes to your soul through it.
Here is the link, and here are some of the lyrics that spoke to my soul tonight:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
“You do it all it in love, that I may know you in your sufferings. Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless your name. Though you ruin me, still I will worship. Sing a song to the one who is all I need. “ – Shane and Shane
“Do not loose heart, but take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach his word to yourself every morning, until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”- John Piper
