It’s really no surprises to some of you but sometimes I worry. Okay, I admit it I worry a lot and this worry tends to start forming into anxiety. It gets to a point where I start picking at the sides of my nails until it’s just raw skin or I start tapping with my fingers against a hard surface. I try to do just about anything to get rid of the anxiety. My anxiety starts to come when I start to think or worry about college, the future, finances, the future, Holidays, and the future. Even sometimes my anxiety gives me anxiety.
A couple months ago my sister and I went to Hobby Lobby to go find a birthday present for my Mom. It was in September, and there were Halloween decorations which are pretty normal for that time of year, there were also some Thanksgiving decorations which are okay but still a little early for that time. My sister and I were just walking around Hobby Lobby when we made a fateful decision of turning down a random aisle. To some of you the scene that lay before me, may not have looked bad but for me in that moment caused me so much anxiety because what lied before me was a whole aisle full of Christmas decorations. There were nutcrackers and garland, snowman and snowflakes, lights and a whole lot of Santa’s. From the minute that I saw what was before me, I could already feel my heart racing and my breath becoming more frequent. It felt like adrenaline was being pumped through my body and I couldn’t stop it.
Now don’t get me wrong or anything I like Christmas and what Christmas actually stands for, but I don’t like how each year we become closer with the world and more distant from God. I’ve never really liked the leadings up to Christmas anyhow, such as Christmas music, and I never understood why they started playing Christmas music even before Thanksgiving. I pretty much avoid Christmas until the week of Christmas.
Anyways back to the story. It took me about 15 to 20 minutes to finally get over my anxiety attack, to get over that feeling of adrenaline being pumped through my body. Now I have had a couple of anxiety attacks before that, my first one being senior year getting my SAT scores back, yes they were that bad, or what my interpretation of bad was. My first class period everyday was my Christian Discipleship class. I got an email from College Board that morning saying that my SAT scores were back. I excused myself from class and went to the bathroom because our school has a zero tolerance policy with phones being on during class hours. Anyways I checked and calculated my scores and as I looked at the number before me, I could feel the blood draining from my face and my breath slowly start to dissipate, because I knew that those scores were not going to be good enough to get into the college that I wanted. I sat in the bathroom crying and shaking as I added up the numbers again and again with the same result each time. I sat in the bathroom for maybe 10 or 20 minutes looking at the scores like they could possibly change right before me. I finally regained my composure and went back to class like nothing had happened even though deep down I felt awful because I felt like I had let myself down.
In those two very different moments, I started to feel the weight of the world on my back, and it was crushing me. I kept looking to the future for answers but all along the answer was in front of me, in the now. God. Now I know what you’re thinking “How can you possibly see God though Christmas decorations”? Well, see it took me a little while to figure both out. When I got back my SAT scores the question’s that were running through my head were. “How will I get into college? Is it too late to retake the SAT? Who will accept me? How will this affect my college plans? Will I get scholarships?” The one thing that I never thought was, “Is going to college Gods plan for me?” Not once did I ask Him, because going to college right away was always something that I was going to do no matter what the cost, but here’s the thing going to college right away was not His plan for me. I fought Him tooth and nail to go but once I finally let go I saw what God was trying to point me to. It took me 8 months of me fighting God to understand that college can wait, but God can’t.
Now the questions running through my head when I saw the Christmas decorations were “How will I tell my parents I will not be spending next Christmas with them? Will they allow me to leave on a 9-month mission trip? What will happen when I leave? What will they think of me?” You see I hadn’t told my parents about the 9-month mission trip I wanted to embark on. I wasn’t being honest with them or myself. I had completed the application for the World Race somewhere between the end of July and early August, and now it was September and I still hadn’t told them. I wanted to tell them how excited I was to go but I was also so anxious on how they would react to me wanting to leave. It took just about everything I had to tell them, but I did it. I had to let go of my fear to see where God was pointing me. Although the reaction I got out of them was not exactly what I wanted, I’m still here writing to you aren’t I?
Do I still have anxiety attacks? Yes, but it’s taking me less time to figure out what I am running from and less time to understand Gods purpose for me. From the time my God knit me in my mother’s womb He knew I would be writing about this to you and for some amazing reason, I think that’s pretty awesome.
