Warning, this post is about to get really deep and honest really quick.
I am not a stranger to depression and anxiety.
Growing up, I was always a chunky, awkward, self conscious kid who really wanted to be “popular” but didn’t really have any friends. I wen’t to private school until I was in the 4th grade, and it was then that I transferred to Brandon Elementary. The kids here had been going to school with each other since they were in kindergarten, and then here I came, awkward, fat, and weird. Needless to say, not many people wanted to be my friend. It was at this early age that I began to experience depression and self hate. I went to middle school, all my friends had boyfriends, and I was still fat and weird. It was in the 6th grade that my suicidal thoughts began, and I began carving words such as “stupid” and “fat” onto my body because I hated myself for being those things. As I grew up, I learned how to hide it, but I never truly loved myself. Throughout high school, I always felt the need to have a guy around to tell me how much I was worth, because I hadn’t yet found my true value or identity in Christ.
Fast forward several years to my freshman year of college. In October 2012, I met a guy and fell head over heels for him. He was cute, charming, funny, romantic, knew all my dark secrets, and he loved me the same. I began to find my worth in him. Unfortunately, as his feelings for me faded, so did my perception of my value and worth. He and I dated for about a year, but at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, he and I broke up. I was a wreck. As dramatic as it sounds, my whole world had crashed around me. I had allowed myself to become so dependent on him for my worth that when he left, I felt like my life was not worth living anymore. A week before we broke up, I had been diagnosed with depression, and everything spiraled downwards after that. During the months after our breakup, I turned to sex, drugs, and alcohol to ease the pain. I spent a lot of my nights under the influence because it was too hard for me to be sober and deal with the pain. I turned to other guys to receive validation, but at the end of the night, I only felt more empty and worthless. I can honestly say that this was the lowest I have ever been. Since then, I have had several pivotal moments that led me to where I am today.
Pivotal Moment #1
After Fall semester, I came home for a bit during Christmas break and my parents and I hashed it out. Everything was on the table and it broke their hearts. I have never seen my mother cry harder than she did that night. I began to realize that I was not alone. My actions were not only affecting me, but they were hurting the people who loved me the most. Although I despised it at the time, I began to change my habits. I started putting separation between myself and the things of my past and I started to seek God’s face. I wasn’t seeking very hard, but He took the little bit that I gave Him and began to show himself in mighty ways.
Pivotal Moment #2
In February, I joined my college ministry from church and attended the Passion conference in Houston. I was reluctant at first, but my pastor was persistent and I didn’t really have an option. Before attending, I had begun to view my relationship with Christ differently than I ever had before. Instead of relying on a guy to give me worth, I began to read what Christ had to say about me. I began spending time with Him like I would a boyfriend, and I began to treat myself with the same love, compassion, and grace that I would have shown a guy if I were invested in a relationship. This changed my life. This particular conference happened to be on Valentine’s Day, and I knew that it was by no accident that God had me there with Him. The overwhelming love and joy that I felt was beyond anything I had ever experienced in a relationship. Yes, I was single, but I was getting to spend my Valentines Day surrounded by 20,000 other believers in the beautiful presence of my Savior. It was at this conference that God really spoke to me. I wanted to change my ways, but I felt like I could never shake the weight of who I had become. It was during this weekend that Christ showed me that I am a new creation. I had always believed in His forgiveness, but I didn’t let Him take away my shame or my guilt. I was letting it identify me and it was tearing me apart. During the conference, God spoke to me new life and He made it clear that He was going to use me in mighty ways, if only I would allow Him.
Pivotal Moment #3
Sometime in March, I had the day off and I was enjoying it by sitting on the couch creeping on people’s Facebook. Somehow, I ended up on a friend of a friend of a friend’s Facebook which lead me to their blog where she shared about her previous trip on The World Race. Curious, I searched the name and landed on the Adventures.org webpage. I started reading about their trips and I became so overwhelmed with emotion. I was tired of being surrounded by so much pain from my past, and I was afraid that if I stayed where I was, I was going to fall back into my previous ways. I had prayed for a way out, and God had provided. At this point, I didn’t know if the trip was for me or not, but I felt compelled to apply anyways. As I filled out the application, I began to cry. It was so overwhelming to me that God would even provide me this opportunity.
I waited for what seemed like an eternity, and 3 weeks later I received a phone call. I had multiple interviews over the course of a few weeks, and on April 2nd I learned that I had been accepted into The World Race Gap Year and that I would be leaving this September. SO MUCH JOY. I cannot begin to explain how much relief flooded me at this moment. I had prayed that God would give me a way out of my pain, and not only did He answer, but he answered in a MIGHTY way. A year ago, this trip was not even on my radar. I had planned to spend this summer with my boyfriend, but instead, I am preparing to spend 9 months overseas. I never dreamed that God would give me this opportunity of a lifetime. In a few short months, I will be trading my home for a backpack and a tent. I will be leaving my family and my friends and I will be spending 9 months with people I have never met before. I will be travelling all over the world getting to love and serve those who the world has cast aside. I have the opportunity to share love and hope to people who are lost and broken. I have the opportunity to change the world…but God has the opportunity to change me.
I know that I am where I am today ONLY by His mercy and His grace. If it were not for love and redemption of my Savior, I have no doubt that I would still be stuck in the pits of depression. He has rescued me and He has set me free! In September of 2013, I was the lowest I have ever been. In September of 2014, I will be leaving to travel the world. How awesome is that!?
All of this to say…Look at what My God can do.
To those that are lost, lonely, and broken….I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to feel surrounded by darkness, pain, and hate. I know what it’s like to hate yourself and not want to live another day. But by the grace of God, I also know what it’s like to live in the light. I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by love. I know what it’s like to feel valued and worthy. I know what it’s like to be redeemed. I know what it’s like to experience grace abounding, and I owe it all to my Savior.
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares The Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Today as I sat in the audience of Leadercast 2014, I heard God speak to me loud and clear. As I listened to a woman speak of how she rescued a young homeless boy, all I could think about were the millions of orphans and lost children that God has called me to love. I heard God say “I have big plans for you. You will change the world.”
I don’t know what He has planned for me. I don’t know what my future will look like, and I don’t know where I will be in the next few years. All I know is that it will be good. I know that God has called me to great things, and I know that He will take care of me.
No matter what, life is good when He is in control.
SO, this is my broken story. This is how I got to where I am. This is how far Christ has carried me. I am here only because of Him, and I cannot wait to see where He carries me from here.
