As of today, I have exactly 100 days until launch! (Which also happens to fall on my birthday!) When I first applied for the World Race and told my mom about the projected launch date she said, “Wow, God has you written all over this trip.” That got me thinking—if a year ago, someone had asked me what I would be doing after graduation, I never, EVER would have said I’d be serving internationally as a missionary. In fact, I remember distinctly saying in middle school that I would never be a missionary because it’s too dangerous and didn’t feel confident enough in my own faith. Isn’t it funny how God works?
One of my areas for personal growth is relying on others to care for me, including God. I like to think that I have my stuff together and know what decisions to make to better my life, but in the past year I have quickly learned I can be very wrong. I enjoy free will. I like control. Success makes me feel strong. But all of those things deprive me from resting in God’s embrace. I deprive myself from being and feeling loved; I deprive my Father from being my father. The thing I always seem to forget is that God can see the big picture: He sees where I’m headed before I even have a thought. Our Heavenly Father gave us the gift of free will, but sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own “wants” that we overlook the signs God gives to guide us towards His path.
I always thought I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted the job security, the stable pay, the benefits, the whole nine yards. I had it all planned out since I was 16. I thought I was responsible and on my way to success. My first year was a breeze, but my second year was a nightmare. I would study for hours but couldn’t remember what I had just read. I tried studying in groups, alone, highlighting, flashcards, but nothing seemed to work. I felt like a total failure! School had never been an issue for me yet all of a sudden it was my biggest concern. I dreaded going to class and would get sick from stressing over the exams. My plan was flawed and I became so focused on material success that I ignored who I was meant to be.
At the time, I was so bitter and confused about why my plan didn’t work, but now I couldn’t be happier that I was wrong. I found a career I am passionate about and am about to be a part of something much bigger than me. And looking back, I can see how all the puzzle pieces of my life have fit together to where I am now–and that it was all God’s plan. I truly believe that if I hadn’t come to AU, I probably wouldn’t have heard about the World Race. I came to Anderson University during a choir trip, and couldn’t stop thinking about it until I came to college. Through AU, I took the trip to Australia that changed my life, was a part of the best department, and heard about the World Race. In my opinion, the fact I couldn’t stop thinking about visiting AU was no accident. Sure, I chose to come to AU on my own free will, but I was also following God’s nudge towards His path.
Giving up control is something I will continually have to work on. It just seems natural, but it brings me so much stress. Although I don’t always understand and have my worries, I have never felt more free than when relinquishing my fears to the Lord. With my launch approaching, I am beyond excited, but I’m scared too. I know I will see such sadness, I will miss home, I will be without the luxuries I’m blessed to have, I will be a part of a totally new community, and I will be learning so much about myself that it scares me. I don’t mean I’m scared as in terrified, but more as in I’m jumping in, head first with God and am gonna free-fall with Him. Whenever trouble arises, it’s hard to understand God’s plan, but that is why we must trust Him despite our questions and doubts. Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Such a seemingly simple statement, but a hard thing to accomplish. Trusting God can take practice–sometimes it really might feel like you’re free-falling–but He always guides us. Even in the hardest of times, if we listen, we can find His road again.
