Telling your story gives your freedom. Bringing light to the dark parts allows it to not be so dark. It allows others to stand with you and shed their light on you as well. Sooner or later, you’re not in the dark. You’re in a bright room with a bunch of people who are all looking for the same thing you are: hope.
So here’s my story.
Walking off the airplane and into the presence of 38 strangers that I would later call my family was both the most exciting and the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my entire life. I usually walk into a room of strangers with absolute confidence because I know in my mind that I am never going to see those people again in my life, but knowing that the impression I make on these people is what I have to live with for the next nine months of my life made me slightly more nervous about my decision to go on the Race.
We jumped right into the deep end the night we got there and my mind immediately went to “I’M NOT WORTHY OF BEING HERE WITH ALL THESE GREAT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON AND I DON’T SEE HOW I BELONG HERE!”. You know, the sane, reasonable thought process to have.
The thing that hit me that first night that stuck with me the entire time was Bill Swan telling us that Abandonment makes room in your life for Christ to do something like never before. See, i’ve never ACTUALLY abandoned anything in my entire life. Leaving for college was the closest to abandoning something as i’ve ever come but even still, I talked to my loved ones back home on a daily basis and I had a room full of all my things and I was comfortable in that “abandonment”.
That statement stuck with me so much that I couldn’t function as a normal person. Everything I said and did I thought “Am I abandoning who i’ve built myself up to be?” I’ve spent the better part of 19 years making something of myself. Building a reputation for myself and making this life for myself that hopefully someday my parents would be proud of. The thought of abandoning everything i’ve built up terrified me to my very core. It meant losing who I am. Well, who I thought I was, I should say.
There were many incredibly spiritually high moments, but one in particular was the second night at our evening session with Pastor Deon. “To all your sins and worries and insecurities” he says “God is waiting saying ‘COME ON HOME’. Your problem does not change His invitation.” All my worries about losing my life that i’ve built and my insecurities about the sins of my past lessened greatly that night. I wouldn’t say they completely disappeared because i’m always going to feel that small twinge of doubt in my mind when I tell my story, but i’m going to be confident because the Lord spoke life into my dead bones. The Lord spoke freedom into my bondage.
The Lord broke down wall after wall the moment I arrived at camp and I was vulnerable and insecure the entire time, even when I was beginning to walk in freedom, but the idea being grasped here was that this is my story! I get to walk in the story the Lord has written for me! One of freedom to choose the Lord daily. Freedom to listen for His still, small voice and listen to His directions. I get to make the decision everyday to let go of control over my life and allow God to change me into a better person each day. I choose to acknowledge the things that have happened to me and that i’ve done to myself in the past and allow God to use those things to bring light to His forgiveness and protection and overall glory in the dark and scary times. I choose to forgive myself for the things i’ve done and I choose to forgive others who have hurt me. I am no longer held in chains of shame and sin. I walk in freedom and in confidence knowing that what I do is nothing compared to what Jesus did. He gave His life for me so I now give mine for Him.
If I had to sum training camp up real short, it would be just that my fear of losing myself and of being judged for my past and the fear of not being accepted was absolutely outweighed by the love and understanding of my teammates which is ultimately from the Lord. Thanks for showing me Jesus, friends. Thanks for walking beside me in my understanding of freedom and pushing me to be more open with my story.
Now i’m off to Guatemala real soon with 5 other women whose love and passion for the Lord is contagious and I can’t wait to see how God works in the lives of my team as well as the people we come in contact with.
