if i’m going to be real, life is hard; like really, really hard. some days i look at the future with pure excitement knowing that God is going to blow my mind in the coming months. i look at the future with joy knowing that i’ll be in the center of God’s good and perfect will. i look at the future with complete satisfaction knowing that He will provide for me in ways i can’t even imagine. so ya, some days i look at the future and think about all the ways God will show up and all the ways God will grow me and i am filled with an overwhelming eagerness to just go. but despite all that, there are times when doubt, fear, and reluctance prevent me from grasping those undeniable truths of God’s present and future goodness. there are times when i look at the future and all i see is heartbreak. there are times when i look at the future and doubt my own strength. there are times when i look at the future and fear that i won’t find the same solid, christ-centered friendships like the ones i find so much support and laughter in now. there are times when i look at the future and simply don’t want to leave behind all the people, places, and things i have now. there are times when i look at the future and all i see is sacrifice. there are times when i look around and see how God has literally given me everything i have ever wanted and prayed for in this season of my life: in a few days i’ll finally get my own room in my family’s brand new house. in a few hours i’ll sit in LA traffic for 30 mins to listen to one my favorite pastor’s ever and fellowship with the best people i have ever met. in a few months i could’ve potentially been attending my dream school. a couple days ago my friend drove to my house to drop off flowers and chick-fil-a and also pray over me because i felt overwhelmed. a couple days ago i played mario kart and watched movies with people who used to be strangers but are brothers to me now. life is hard because it’s hard to let these relationships, memories, and routines go. it’s hard to constantly sacrifice when i’ve yet to fully experience the other end of the deal. it’s hard to make the most of the present moment while preparing for the next. it’s hard pouring into both current friendships and future ones. it’s hard keeping up with texts from friends i consider family and texts from strangers i will consider family. it’s hard moving my whole life into a new 1,700 square foot house while simultaneously moving my whole life into a 65 L bag. it’s hard packing for church camp while also packing for a training camp that’s only one day later. it’s hard acknowledging the goodness of the future when the present is perfect in every way i could’ve dreamed plus some. so in the midst of all the “it’s hard”s, i’m learning to fight to see the blessings and promises of surrender. every day im fighting to see the relationships, places, and routines i have as signs of God’s faithfulness to create beauty and not just as one time things that i’ll never be able to enjoy anywhere else. i’m fighting to see the amazing blessings God has entrusted me with as gifts over which He is sovereign to give, sustain, and take away. i am fighting to believe that in the midst of my hurt and confusion God is working all things together for my good and equipping me with the strength i need to live fully in the present, prepare wholeheartedly for the future, cheerfully sacrifice, and boldly go for the sake of following Him into the perfect unknown.
a couple months ago i watched a live video of some world racers in guatemala worshipping our Heavenly Father around a bonfire. a couple weeks ago i sat around a bonfire with my closest brothers and sisters in Christ doing the same. the parallel between the two scenarios was striking and i couldn’t help but compare the scenes in my head. there i was, a couple weeks ago, on the beach in california, surrounded by my best friends, as the smell of smoke and songs of praise filled the air. yet there i will be, a couple months from now, on a field in guatemala, surrounded by my best friends, doing the same.
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that night on the beach we sang “do it again” and a couple lines stuck out to me like never before:
waiting for change to come
knowing the battles won
for you have never failed me yet
change is happening and change is coming, but i can laugh without fear of the future because God is Yaweh. He is the One Who Is and the One Who Causes, and He has shown me full well that i can securely place my trust in Him as He guides me through the shadows of this tunnel to a light that only He knows. so yes, life is hard, but i wouldn’t change a thing for He works all things out for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose.
