Unsure of the Unknown
Biggest Update:
I am apart of a new ministry team called Walking Humbly In Power (WHIP).
We are soo excited to finish this season of ministry strong and united!!!
Our squad has finished Cambodia debriefing our final months with World Race. We are now entering month 9 of ministry. This translates to exactly 3 more months on the field left, 12 weeks, or 90 days. Adventures In Missions and our leadership team wants the entire squad to transition well. To get us there they have been equipping the squad with tools as we face decisions for our next steps. It’s been cool beginning to look boldly into the future of ministry on the field and dreaming about the possibilities beyond this year. To be honest the adjective BODLY is the exact opposite of what I feel right now. It is daunting and I battle being swallowed up by anxiety, fear, and shame:
Anxiety because immediately upon returning, I will need to find a place to live, job to support my responsibilities, and a way to plug into healthy Christ centered community (inside/outside of the physical church). Some of these answers may seem obvious for another person but for me I’ve learned that the easiest choices are not necessarily what God has for me. SO, I desire God’s best; to continue seeing his character revealed in/through my life and be fulfilled within his plans. The coolest part is that he knows my heart better than I do. I can trust that “his plan” is good. (Psalms 119:68)
Fear because I realize too many of the relationships I’ve chosen to pursue and prioritize in the past had left me empty. The worst part is I thought it was normal, so much so I didn’t understand I was missing anything and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed. I’m still learning how to ask for what I need and it’s a gift to be in a community that can/wants to give it. This journey has taught me the importance of pursuing deeper connection and life in Jesus but also showed me what brokenness looks like in myself and the world. The kind of brokenness that stems from never knowing love or being so far disconnected from the love you once knew. I don’t want to go back or acquiesce to that old pattern of living. Once freed, I want to stay free and share it with others. (Gal. 4:9)
Shame because the people pleasing side of me does not want to disappoint ANYONE. Especially after the many sacrifices that gave me a chance to be here on this journey and now being fully funded. This step was huge not only for me but so different than anyone I’ve ever really known. People believed and were encouraged by the steps of faith I’m choosing to take and chose to give sacrificially from whatever they had. On the other side there is also the unrealistic pressure and expectations I tend to put on myself. I don’t know how to release that, perfectionism. (Psalms 119:96)
But in the face of uncertainty I want to use this space to share a testimony that moves me to tears…
My family has chosen to support God’s work in my life by helping me fundraise over $2300. It took communication, teamwork, unity, and a sacrificial faith that humbles me. This is a representation of more healing to come.
(From my understanding)
My Great Great grandparents were sharecroppers in North Carolina. My Great Great Grandma Savannah was a midwife in her county of (insert) North Carolina. I was told she delivered over half the population of black babies in her county and the midwives also had other responsibilities within the community; talk about influence!
Her daughter, my Great Grandmother Eloise Fuller grew up and decided it was time to move up North. She ended up in New Jersey and started taking nursing jobs. Slowly more and more of my family moved to different places on the East Coast. Faith in Jesus was always ingrained in her and somehow she started a storefront church where she was the Pastor. This church became one church within a network of churches from the south with a similar story of migration. Later the church was passed on to my grandma.
Flash forward to (my birth year) the 90’s; an era of high top fades, shoulder pads, and the running man my family was the type that turned many a moment to a time of warm fellowship. The focal point of this momentum was my Great Grandma Eloise. She had a laugh that people loved, cooked from the heart, and loved people well; so well they always wanted to be around. It was always an open invitation and even after she died some of that legacy continued with my Grandma (Shirley Hodges) around family church services, following basketball (Chicago Bulls and the New York Knicks), church conventions, gospel music and the love of food. It was never really about just my family, food, music, church conventions, or basketball. The essence of life for my family is understanding the love of Jesus then sharing the truth of his character and power everywhere you go through the way you live!
This legacy of Christ Centered living was passed on to me by my mom (Gloria Hodges) and now ,by saying yes to the World Race, I’m adding on to the very same legacy that started with my Great great grandmother. Simple acts of faith and obedience are a constant testimony that shines light on the full picture of God. This kind of thinking and connection is made all throughout the old testament, but now I see it for myself. In the face of my concerns, I’m glad God keeps giving me sneak peeks into his overall plan for my life. There is always something greater in the works. This time the sweetest part is to see it happening within my own family.
