I will fight for you, I choose YOU!
For the fist time in what seems like forever I heard those words but not only did I hear it, I felt it. These were the words spoken over me by the 19 other women that committed to go on this journey with me…
The only light I could see was the fire in the middle of our camp circle as we sang in unison. It was a time of fellowship and thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for all that God was doing in each of our lives and the many blessings that were only beginning to unfold. But as time time passed my heart began to feel overwhelmed. The term ambivalent is the closest I can get to explain. Like a heightened state of awareness and frustration. MY thoughts began to unravel.
Frustration–
God I know you invited me here. I hear your voice loud and clear with every step I take but right now all I feel is alone.
Disappointment–
God no one here is like me. They won’t understand the way you speak to me and I don’t always have the best words to explain. I don’t belong here. But if not here, where you’ve asked me to be, then no where.
And this choice, this journey is not just for me. It is symbolic of the change you want to bring through me for my family and the many spheres you have placed me.
Annoyance–
God the very skin on my face and scalp is on fire! Nothing I do seems to bring it any relief and I’m only in Georgia. All my bodily sensitivities; how is this going to work!?
Help me to be stronger than this. To live worthy of your honor and the support of so many who helped get me to this point! Help me to not only start but finish this race.
Isolation–
God I keep having cycles of these thoughts. It feels inappropriate to share but there is no where to go expect to be among them. I can’t hold it all in but its scary to let it all out in front of them.
Before I knew it, I began to weep and share sound bites of the storm raging within me. The group response was immediate as they came around with a strong embrace and begin to pray. Reflecting God’s all consuming love that gives purpose…identity.
I heard God say:
I will fight for YOU, I choose YOU….
-When you feel weak and don’t see your value. I will speak it back over and into you.
-When you feel out of place, on the outside. I will remind you that your place is here with me because I choose you.
-When you feel incompetent like your words are not enough. Know that my grace is sufficient, I give you what you need!
-When the storm rages and you feel overwhelmed. Come to me, don’t bare it on your own.
–When your mind is clouded and you think I’m gone. Remember I am there! My goodness/presence is always all around you.
-When you feel misunderstood and can’t even make sense of yourself! Know that I formed you so I am the one that understands you best. You are beautiful!
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth”. -Psalms 139:13-15
Conclusion:
There are surely low moments but God can bring comfort and restore perspective through it all just as he showed up through my team. I am grateful for the many men and women I now call my Adventures In Missions family. I believe that God specifically placed me to serve with this team of beautiful women. I look forward to the journey ahead of us!
Check out the video below by my Ministry team member Hannah!
Please help me get to the next fundraising goal by donating $25-100. If each reader donates, I would be that much closer. My deadline is fast approaching September 22nd but I have a little wiggle room to get the money in by launch (Oct. 6th).
