So, tonight I had a mini-freak out. I know it might sound silly but I’ve been feeling A LOT of pressure to start making head way in what I need to do for the Race (support raising, blogging, getting stuff together) and I know it’s my own doing. I just kind of melted down and began doubting this decision.
I feel like I need to blog but I don’t feel like I’m good at it. I mean how do I write my thoughts on paper without addressing it to someone. English/Languages Arts class was never my favorite. If I’m writing, give me a name to write too. In addition, how do I know I’m writing what YOU want to know, what YOU want to hear? And, how do I let myself be vulnerable? I mean you don’t know me. You don’t see where I’ve been, where my heart its, what my relationship with God is like. All you see are the words on the screen. How do I know you’re not judging me? Does it really matter anyway?
Oh wait, it’s not about me! It’s about Him! It’s about me obeying HIM! It’s about what He can do through Me if I let Him!
See, I realized this, again, when I decided to pick up my Bible before bed. I have multiple Bibles I read from and I was drawn to a particular one. I picked it up and I noticed a paper clip in the side. This is what I saw:
“Get out of your country,
From your family
And from your father’s house,
To a land that I will show you.
I will make you a great nation;
I will bless you
And make your name great;
And you shall be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
And I will curse him who curses you;
And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”
-Genesis 12:1-3
And then I saw this, “How can I become a more obedient child of God?” in the margin and it dawns on me…Obedience…That’s my problem. I’m so used to controlling everything I have done in my life. I mean there are times when I have relied on God but not fully and I need to get out of my “comfort zone” and away from the familiar to be totally reliant on God.
By disobeying God, I’m missing out on blessings. That’s like free presents at Christmas time. And that’s REALLY GOOD presents, the stuff you REALLY want. Now, why would I want to miss out on Free really good presents? That’s just silly.
So, here I am God. Totally devoted to you. Scared to death but totally devoted to you. This isn’t going to be easy and I know I’m going to really go to battle with you. I don’t want to but I know I will. So I ask that you will break me. Help me learn to obey you no matter how uncomfortable and odd I might feel. Help me learn to trust you. I may not understand you or the direction you are leading me but I know you only have my best interest at heart and you have much bigger plan that I will ever know. God, use me to reach and bless others like you have blessed me. Help me to obey.
