Warning: I have no idea of what I’m going to type after this sentence. That being said, the rest of this blog will be quite real and raw. Proceed with caution, I suppose.
I’ve retyped this next paragraph close to twenty times. Hm.
We receive so that we can pour out. Blessed to be a blessing to put it into familiar terms. I’m a firm believer of this. It isn’t out of obligation that we should give; it’s out of the love of bringing glory to the Father. I think the one thing the Lord is really showing me with this trip is just how much He has created my heart to follow His. (This is basically the main point of my blog. In a sense I was foreshadowing, but you can just stop reading here because the rest is just how I came to figure this out.)
I’ve been struggling lately because it seems as if this race isn’t exactly structured the way I thought. Now, it isn’t a bad structure by any means, but I’m finding it’s not what I signed up for. Let me clarify even further – this trip, for many, is helping them to find their identity in Christ, do some ministry, work through personal issues, to learn leadership skills, etc. With most of what I named comes a lot of self-focus (not in an unhealthy way) and if there is one thing I came for it was to stop focusing on myself. You can imagine my odd disappointment when realizing all of this.
The more I was hearing about how the Lord loves me, or having to take time to just work on myself in any way, the more frustrated I was becoming. I was getting angry because I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life focusing on myself. I’ve spent the last five years being poured into by so many people. It’s my turn to pour out. I signed up for this trip to yes, receive from the Lord, but also to give out of the many things He’s already given.
My heart is jealous for the Lord.
Last month I found myself offended often because I felt like I was being made to focus on myself. I felt like this trip was becoming just about me and what the Lord could give me, but I had come for an entirely different reason. We would sing songs about how the Lord loves us. We would encourage one another in gifts. Tell each other how beautiful the Lord thinks we are. Wanting to be romanced and wooed by the Lord. We would pour into one another, but I didn’t feel a balance of what was coming in going out.
I helped lead worship one night, and I was just so frustrated because not one song in the list of songs I had to choose from were just songs to exalt God. Yes, the exalted God. He’s a good, good Father, and I am loved by Him. He loves us, oh. These are so true, but I wanted a song that really just was about Him and not me in anyway. My heart was jealous for the Lord being praised for who He is and not what He gives.
Disclaimer: My squad is very much in love with the Lord. They are very selfless, too.
To plow through everything the Lord has been showing me through this frustration – I wasn’t necessarily in the wrong, but I wasn’t necessarily in the right.
Where I’m currently at is this…
I’m in a place of not wanting to write anything because I feel like the ratio of glory to me to glory to God is more in favor of me – not what I want. I’ve been reading through the gospels and really paying attention to Jesus’ ministry and His character. As a man Jesus gave full glory to the Father in everything He did. When Jesus did things He didn’t make sure that someone was writing it down, or recording it. I want to be like Him. When I do things for the Father, when the Father uses me to do things I don’t want to worry about making sure I have all the details of the story or that someone is standing with a camera. What I want is for the Lord to see Himself at work in His daughter. I want Him to see His work through me. I no longer want to be seen. If the Father isn’t seen in me, if when people look at me they see Shaylee first, than I’m doing something wrong. Nothing else matters but the Lord, His glory, and His will.
The other end of the stick…
The Lord wants to walk with us so intimately, and His love for us runs so deep, how could one not talk about it all the time? I’ve gone to this extreme of saying, “No, if it’s about me (or in this case my squad), I don’t want to hear it.” I think that in my jealousy for the Lord I’m risking shutting down what He’s speaking into others. He has spoken His love into me. He has affirmed my identity. I’ve walked through healing with the Lord in ways that maybe some of my squad hasn’t. Where I was wrong was where I started to assume they were in the same place I was, but they aren’t. It isn’t a bad thing that they aren’t. The Lord has shown them things that maybe I need to come to know, and He has shown me some things that I can share with them.
We aren’t all on the same page as one another when it comes to our walk with the Lord. When I was where some of them are, my church patiently walked with me. In fact, they still patiently walk with me because I’m not where most of them are. It isn’t a bad thing. The Lord is showing me that there is just as much ministry to happen within the squad as outside of it. There is a healthy balance to be found, and we’re still looking for it. That’s a good thing. We’re walking it out together.
I have no idea how to finish this blog because the Lord is no where closed to finished showing me how much He wants my heart to be for Him and Him only. I can’t give you a conclusion as to feelings I’m having because He hasn’t given me the conclusion yet. I can leave you with the encouragement that I am growing, I am seeking, and the Lord is showing me some pretty cool things. This is where I’m at right now. Most of it is a jumbled mess, so I’m sorry if none of this made any sense.
