So I’m discovering something…. I scared silly about this trip! I doubt there is a person plagued with as much self-doubt, worry and stress as myself. One would think that a missionary is a person of great faith, always trusting that God is in control and never has a second thought about stepping out into the unknown…. At least, that’s what I always thought. I’m discovering the exact opposite. I mean, according to all definitions, I’m going to be a “missionary”: I’m leaving my home to follow God’s call and to share His gospel with the nations. But I certainly don’t feel like a “missionary”! Isn’t a “missionary” an example of faith, someone who takes God at His word and never questions it? A “missionary” doesn’t have doubts, he does not dare question God or hesitate to follow His call. Of course not! How can I be a “missionary” when I feel like a little girl, wandering around in the maze of her mind, running into dead ends, freaking out at all corners and clinging onto what I think is “secure.” I am not a shining example of faith when I feel like panicking over every detail and imagining tragic endings to this adventure (Mom, Dad, please don’t get any ideas, I’m bad enough on my own).
As I draw ever closer to training camp on the 22nd, I’m SOOOOO nervous. I have met many of my fellow racers already, all amazing, godly young people on fire for God, and every single one of them has only been friendly and supporting to me, yet I’m hesitant to meet them and find myself lacking! As far as I know, I’m the baby of the group, and I’m afraid of falling short of christian giants far more mature then myself (albeit, most of them have only about 3-4 years on me). The more I think about this thing, this adventure, this RACE, the more I find myself inadequate. I’m not a “missionary”.
I’m scared. I’m terrified. And yet, I think that’s exactly where God wants me. God doesn’t want a know-it-all, a christian who has all the answers. He wants a humble servant who submits to correction. God doesn’t want a planner with every detail figured out. He wants a flexible follower who will go where He leads. God doesn’t want a fantastic budget so that His people’s needs are always met. He wants a people who will give back everything they have been given and trust him to provide.
God doesn’t want a “missionary”.
He wants ME.
Which is good….. ’cause I’m afraid that’s what He’s getting! =)
