Today was one of the hardest days of my life. Today I stepped out in boldness but also timidity at the same time. I stepped out in a room full of my friends and told them the truth.
I no longer know who I am anymore. I’m lost. Scared. Confused. I parade around with an angelic halo over my head, but in reality I’m broken. I try to act one way to impress one person, then act another way to impress someone else. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be here. The race isn’t for me. I’m not making a difference. I’m fake. I’m someone who just wants to be noticed for what he’s doing, not for what God’s doing. I’m just someone who is on an adventure and that’s it. Nothing more, nothing else. I’m not loved. I’m not worthy of being loved. I know it’s not true, but I’ve let my truth takes God truth and turn it into something it’s not. I’m far away from God, my quiet time is very rare and I’ve never felt this way before. I call God my best friend, but I treat him like a stranger. I talk about Him as if he’s a huge part of my life, when the truth is I struggle even praying to Him. Because of that, I don’t feel I’m fit to be in this squad or on this team. I feel like I’m not worthy enough to be loved by my team, by my squad.
I sat there this morning, pouring out these thoughts to my squad, crying because I literally just felt so much pressure to try and be someone I’m not. I sat there, doing my best to fight back the tears, as my squad loved me like no group of people have ever loved me before.
“That might be your truth Shawn, but that’s not the truth of Jesus.”
“You’re about to step into a whole new season of freedom.”
“Literally tell the devil to shut the hell up.”
“You are God’s best friend, and He freaking adores you.”
What’s funny about all of this, is I struggle a lot with words of affirmation, even though that’s my number one love language. Someone said “Let’s all say something encouraging about Shawn that we see in him” and my immediate response was “I hate this. One of the reasons I wasn’t going to share this is because I didn’t want people to feel like I was doing this just to get attention.” Someone then replied with something along the lines of “affirmation is a door to freedom.”
“Shawn, you give great hugs”
“You’re a protector”
“You’re genuine”
“You’re powerful”
“You’re handsome dude”
“You’re passionate”
“You have authority in the spiritual realm”
“You’re a mouthpiece for God”
As they were saying these things about me, I think for the first time in my life, I began to believe them. These people, whom I have known for two months, and some who I have only hung out with a little bit, were speaking and sowing truth into my life.
My teammate Abby, said “Shawn, WHATS cool, is that God thinks all of that about you, times infinity. He loves you so much.”
Something I’ve been praying throughout today is “God, who do you say I am? At the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Everything else can pass away, but who do you say I am?”
I’m still waiting on an answer. And that’s ok. I’m willing to wait. I’m willing to go through a season of waiting to be able to actually step out in truth. Not in my truth. But in God’s truth.
Dont let brokenness rule your life. Don’t let fear rule your life. Don’t let shame rule your life. we have so much more to live for than that.
Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying for me. I am currently in Bangkok for squad debrief, and I will be leaving for Malaysia on Dec 2nd. With that being said, I have a deadline of 13,000 on Nov 30, and I only need 240 dollars to meet that deadline. Also, with that being said, that means I am only 5,000 short of my total goal, which is freaking crazy! God is so good and so cool! If you would like to donate, or know someone who would like to donate, please click the donate button above or share this link with your friends, whether it be via email or social media. Also, I know the link for my youtube didn’t work last time, so if you type this link in to your browser, it will take you to my channel.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU0pfZ-LbBCz03-CTlw4OBg
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Romans 8:18 NIV
Peace and blessings be with you.
