Recently I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional depression and spiritual attack. I have felt super discouraged and defeated and wondering if what I am doing is even worth it. I even stayed awake all night in bed sweating as fear and voices that said “You’re not good enough” “Why would they want you on their team?” “You aren’t going to raise enough money”, these voices swirled through my head to the point where i literally stayed up for 30 hours feeling completely drained. The spiritual attack hasn’t been this strong i a long time. But I know why. It is because I haven’t been close to Jesus. I put Him on a shelf and thought ‘I can do this on my own.’ I have never been so wrong in my life.
I wrote this poem a few years ago, thinking that it represented my life then. I now realize, that I needed this poem for myself now more than ever.
As this garden of scars spreads across my heart,
And the flowers fail to blossom,
As the thorns of this world dig deeper and deeper,
It seems that I have forgotten.
The roses don’t bloom, the daffodils don’t grow,
And the color of my heart is no longer white as snow.
The cherry red of my sin makes the garden of my heart look so appealing,
Yet I know it for what it is.
A trap.
A lie.
A false sense of self to where I think that I’m ok. To where I think that I’m not doing anything wrong.
And God is a forgotten tree, hiding amidst the blood stained greenery.
Where did I go wrong?!
How could I be so blind to let my sin overtake that which God had made new?
Oh, thats right, I forgot, while God was working his plan for me, the devil had a plan too.
Every rose is not without it’s thorns,
And I had forgotten that ever since I was born,
That I was born with sin.
That I was born human.
That I was born imperfect.
But yet God, the author of all things good, chose to make my life his canvas. His garden.
He handpicked me to become a masterpiece.
But not just any masterpiece.
He called me HIS OWN.
As His own, I was special, I was set apart, I was redeemed.
However, I got so lost in being free,
I forgot how to be me.
As I masqueraded around with an angelic halo over my head and a smile on my face,
I hid away the thorns that I started to embrace.
I forgot how to live as Christ did.
I forgot to make Christ my first love.
And in doing so, I no longer had my eyes set on above.
As my scarlet ocean began to drown me, as I began to flounder in the ineptitude of my faith.
I began to see the scarlet as a ways of making my garden beautiful, of making my garden become in essence a wraith.
A ghost of who I was.
An image of holiness,
But in reality brokenness.
I began to put on a front where I would walk in my own garden and not even recognize my own self.
And so the question remains.
Will I continue to let the scarlet stained garden tarnish my heart,
Or will I let God in again, to give my garden a fresh start?
I know God is for me. I know He will never leave or forsake me. Whats super crazy is the verse I put on my shirts for the world race has been popping up like crazy not just in my life, but in a lot of my squads lives too. God has been so faithful to remind that “He does not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline. I think something I have been learning is I have the first two down pretty well. But I read those last two words, and I thought to myself, am I disciplined? DO i get in my word and pray everyday? Nope. Do i follow God as if my whole life depends on it? Nope. Ive mainly been sitting back just doing me. How can I expect God to move in my life if I am not moving with Him? Can God still move even if I don’t? Absolutely if it is in His will. However, God is not my genie here to grant my wishes. God is my father, here to make sure that I am known and loved. Here to make sure I have someone to trust. Here to HELP carry my burdens, not carry them for me. Here to WALK WITH me in my struggles, not watching from the other side. This next poem actually coincides perfectly with what I believe God is telling me right now.
I am the remnant.
A remnant chosen by grace.
A remnant that has been misconstrued by the world into hate mongers and hypocrites,
Whose very intentions are to make Christians look like the enemy.
The common misconception that my “perfect imperfection” is due to a lack of attention,
So i turn to the resurrection and i cry on my knees
“God, forgive them, they know not what they do!”
But inside, I’m mentally screaming,
“God forgive me, because I can’t even seem to worship you.”
I’ve turned my eyes from your throne,
My gaze is no longer cast on heaven alone.
My eyes wander across social media,
Instilled with the nagging fear that I’m missing out on life
If I’m not up to date with the latest trends,
Or if I’m not hanging out with my friends,
That life isn’t right.
If gaming isn’t apart of my everyday routine,
And if I can’t even keep my car looking pristine,
Who am I anymore?
And all of a sudden God makes my window a door,
And I hear a voice proclaim,
“You were who you wanted to be,
A version of yourself that created no melody,
No song erupted from your heart,
Your heart was being stretched, in essence it was being torn apart.
I’m calling you out from that place,
I’m calling you into the wild,
Where freedom is found, and fear is erased.
You are a conqueror! You are a king!
You are made whole by the grace I bring
Remember how I called you to be apart of the remnant, the last chosen few?
The time is now coming where people are going to use my WORD to make punishments that are undue.
I need you to rise up,
‘Fan into flame the gift of God’, it says in 2 Timothy 1: 6
So begin lighting a fire to one of the biggest wicks ever created.
The very wick I instilled in you was not meant to be covered.
It was not meant to be hidden.
NO! It was meant to be a beacon of hope to the lost
To let everyone know no one is forbidden!
My kingdom is for any who will accept my name,
So bare my name on your heart and have no shame.
I want MY light to shine through you so bright, that the whole world sees,
That love isn’t about emotions, that it’s about ME.”
Wow. God, wants to utilize me, to be his flame.
To be a light so bright
That I would go out and transform the night,
Into a paradise of HIS LOVE!
“Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” states John 1: 5
So how can darkness hope to extinguish me if Jesus is my light?
How can darkness take ahold of me if the light I have is slowly shrinking it to nothing?
Simple answer.
It. Can’t.
Light will always prevail.
No matter how twisted the darkness becomes,
No matter how much the darkness try’s to look like light,
The darkness will never succeed.
That is guaranteed because for on our behalf’s Jesus will always intercede.
And for that I am grateful, for I know to whom I owe my allegiance.
The one who conquered first, whose love increases in exceedance,
The one who staked a claim in my life and gave me a second chance.
Ya, You know, Jesus?
He’s my one true romance.
I hope this post finds you encouraged and trusting that God has a plan, and that there’s a purpose through the pain. What we see as a setback God sees as a setup. So trust in Him. Always.
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